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Pastimes : Jokes -- Ignore unavailable to you. Want to Upgrade?

To: treetopflier who wrote (1625)	3/4/1999 12:27:00 PM
From: P.S.N.	Respond to of 2733

Engineers and Managers A man is flying in a hot air balloon and realizes he is lost. He reduces height and spots a man down below. He lowers the balloon further and shouts, "Excuse me, can you help me? I promised my friend I would meet him half an hour ago, but I don't know where I am." The man below says, "Yes. You are in a hot air balloon, hovering approximately 30 feet above this field. You are between 40 and 42 degrees N. latitude, and between 58 and 60 degrees W. longitude." "You must be an engineer", says the balloonist. "I am", replies the man. "How did you know?" "Well", says the balloonist, "everything you have told me is technically correct, but I have no idea what to make of your information, and the fact is I am still lost." The man below says, "You must be a manager." "I am", replies the balloonist, "but how did you know?" "Well", says the man, "you don't know where you are, or where you are going. You have made a promise, which you have no idea how to keep, and you expect me to solve the problem. The fact is you are in the exact same position you were in before we met, but now it is somehow my fault." ----------------------------------------------------------------------- PSN

To: treetopflier who wrote (1625)	3/4/1999 12:30:00 PM
From: P.S.N.	Respond to of 2733

LIFE'S LAWS *********************************************************************** 1. the two most common elements in the universe are hydrogen and stupidity. 2. If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you. 3. Money can't buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with. 4. Deja moo: The feeling that you've heard this bull before. 5. Psychiatrists say that 1 of 4 people is mentally ill. Check three friends. If they're OK, you're it. 6. Nothing in the known universe travels faster than a bad check. 7. A truly wise man never plays leapfrog with a unicorn. 8. It has recently been discovered that research causes cancer in rats. 9. Always remember to pillage BEFORE you burn. 10. If you are given an open-book exam, you will forget your book. 11. Corollary: If you are given a take-home test, you will forget where you live. 12. The trouble with doing something right the first time is that nobody appreciates how difficult it was. 13. It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others. 14. TJ's Law: You can't fall off the floor. 15. The average woman would rather have beauty than brains because the average man can see better than he can think. 16. Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence on society. 17. Vital papers will demonstrate their vitality by moving from where you left them to where you can't find them. 18. Law of Probability Dispersal: Whatever it is that hits the fan will not be evenly distributed. ----------------------------------------------------------------------- PSN

To: treetopflier who wrote (1625)	3/4/1999 12:34:00 PM
From: P.S.N.	Read Replies (2) \| Respond to of 2733

Y2K & PAID VACATION TIME *********************************************************************** From: Automated Payroll Processing Dept. Date: January 1, 2000 Subject: Vacation Pay Dear Valued Employee: Our records indicate that you have not used any vacation time over the past 100 year(s). As I'm sure you are aware, employees are granted 3 weeks of paid leave per year or pay in lieu of time off. One additional week is granted for every 5 years of service. Please either take 9,400 days off work or notify our office and your next pay check will reflect payment of $8,277,432.22 which will include all pay and interest for the past 1,200 months. ----------------------------------------------------------------------- PSN

To: treetopflier who wrote (1625)	3/4/1999 12:37:00 PM
From: P.S.N.	Respond to of 2733

THE ACCIDENT *********************************************************************** A woman and a man are involved in a car accident, and it's a bad one. Both of their cars are totally demolished. Amazingly, neither of them are hurt. After they crawl out of their cars, the woman says: "So you're a man, that's interesting. I'm a woman. Wow, just look at our cars! There's nothing left but fortunately we are unhurt. This must be a sign from God that we should meet and be friends and live together in peace for the rest of our days." The man replied: "I agree with you completely. This must be a sign from God!" The woman continued: "And look at this, here's another miracle. My car is completely demolished but this bottle of wine didn't break. Surely God wants us to drink this wine and celebrate our good fortune." She then hands the bottle to the man. The man shakes his head in agreement, opens it and takes several swigs from the bottle and then hands it back to the woman. The woman takes the bottle, immediately puts the cap back on, and hands it back to the man. The man asks: "Aren't you having any?" The woman replies: "No. I think I'll just wait for the police..." ----------------------------------------------------------------------- PSN

To: treetopflier who wrote (1625)	3/4/1999 12:40:00 PM
From: P.S.N.	Respond to of 2733

1000 VALENTINE DAY CARDS *********************************************************************** A guy walks into a post office one day to see a middle-aged, balding man standing at the counter methodically placing "Love" stamps on bright pink envelopes with hearts all over them. He then takes out a perfume bottle and starts sprays them all. His curiosity getting the better of him, he goes up to the balding man and asks him what he is doing. The man says, "I'm sending out 1,000 Valentine cards signed, 'Guess who?'" "But why?" asks the man. "I'm a divorce lawyer." ----------------------------------------------------------------------- PSN

To: treetopflier who wrote (1625)	3/4/1999 12:42:00 PM
From: P.S.N.	Respond to of 2733

THE OLD LADY AND THE BANK PRESIDENT *********************************************************************** A little old lady went into the Bank of Canada one day, carrying a bag of money. She insisted that she must speak with the president of the bank to open a savings account because, "It's a lot of money!" After much hemming and hawing, the bank staff finally ushered her into the president's office (the customer is always right!). The bank president then asked her how much she would like to deposit. She replied, "$165,000!" and dumped the cash out of her bag onto his desk. The president was of course curious as to how she came by all this cash, so he asked her, "Ma'am, I'm surprised you're carrying so much cash around. Where did you get this money?" The old lady replied, "I make bets." The president then asked, "Bets? What kind of bets?" The old woman said, "Well, for example, I'll bet you $25,000 that your balls are square." "Ha!" laughed the president, "That's a stupid bet. You can never win that kind of bet!" The old lady challenged, "So, would you like to take my bet?" "Sure," said the president, "I'll bet $25,000 that my balls are not square!" The little old lady then said, "Okay, but since there is a lot of money involved, may I bring my lawyer with me tomorrow at 10am as a witness?" "Sure!" replied the confident president. That night, the president got very nervous about the bet and spent a long time in front of a mirror checking his balls, turning from side to side, again and again. He thoroughly checked them out until he was sure that there was absolutely no way his balls were square and that he would win the bet. The next morning, at precisely 10am, the little old lady appeared with her lawyer at the president's office. She introduced the lawyer to the president and repeated the bet "$25,000 says the president's balls are square!" The president agreed with the bet again and the old lady asked him to drop his pants so they could all see. The president complied. The little old lady peered closely at his balls and then asked if she could feel them. "Well, Okay," said the president, "$25,000 is a lot of money, so I guess you should be absolutely sure." Just then, he noticed that the lawyer was quietly banging his head against the wall. The president asked the old lady, "What the hell's the matter with your lawyer?" She replied, "Nothing, except I bet him $100,000 that at 10am today I'd have The Bank of Canada's president's balls in my hand." ----------------------------------------------------------------------- PSN

To: treetopflier who wrote (1625)	3/6/1999 4:01:00 PM
From: P.S.N.	Respond to of 2733

A blonde decides to try horseback riding, even though she has had no lessons or prior experience. She mounts the horse unassisted and the horse immediately springs into motion. It gallops along at a steady and rhythmic pace, but the blonde begins to slip from the saddle.In terror, she grabs for the horse's mane, but cannot seem to get a firm grip. She tries to throw her arms around the horse's neck, but she slides down the side of the horse anyway. The horse gallops along, seemingly impervious to its slipping rider. Finally, giving up her frail grip, she leaps away from the horse to try and throw herself to safety. Unfortunately, her foot has become entangled in the stirrup and she is now at the mercy of the horse's pounding hooves as her head is struck against the ground again and again. As her head is battered against the ground, she is mere moments away from unconsciousness when........... the WalMart manager runs out to shut the horse off. PSN

To: treetopflier who wrote (1625)	3/6/1999 4:02:00 PM
From: P.S.N.	Read Replies (1) \| Respond to of 2733

The San Francisco Zoo has an elephant named Calle who has a chronic illness, requiring medication. The zoo people couldn't get Calle to take her dose orally, so a Cal pharmacologist developed a suppository. The 10-inch-long, four-pound, cocoa-butter bullets are crafted by the good folks at Guittard Chocolates in Burlingame. aministering the DAILY medication takes five zoo workers, including one person to distract Calle with treats and one person who wears full-arm glove to "deliver" the medicine. FIVE people have jobs worse than yours! Now stop bitching and get back to work. PSN

To: treetopflier who wrote (1625)	3/6/1999 4:03:00 PM
From: P.S.N.	Respond to of 2733

A new two-year degree is being offered at LIFE UNIVERSITY that many of you should be interested in: BECOMING A REAL MAN. That's right! In just six quarters you, too, can be a real man. FIRST YEAR Fall Schedule: MEN 101 Combating Stupidity MEN 102 You Too Can Do Housework MEN 103 PMS: Learn When to Keep Your Mouth Shut MEN 104 We Do Not Want Sleazy Underthings for Christmas Winter Schedule: MEN 110 Wonderful Laundry Techniques MEN 111 Understanding the Female Response to Getting in at 4AM MEN 112 Parenting: It Doesn't End with Conception MEN 113 Get a Life; Learn to Cook Spring Schedule: MEN 120 How NOT To Act Like an Ass When You're Wrong MEN 121 Understanding Your Incompetence MEN 122 YOU, the Weaker Sex MEN 123 Reasons to Give Flowers SECOND YEAR Fall Schedule: SEX 101 You CAN Fall Asleep Without It SEX 102 Morning Dilemma: If It's Awake, Take a Shower MEN 201 How to Stay Awake After Sex MEN 202 How to Put the Toilet Seat Down Winter Schedule: MEN 210 The Remote Control: Overcoming Your Dependency MEN 211 How Not to Act Younger Than Your Children MEN 212 You, Too, Can Be a Designated Driver MEN 213 Honest-You Don't Look Like Tom Cruise-Especially naked Spring Schedule: MEN 220 Omitting @#%~&*! From Your Vocabulary MEN 221 Fluffing the Blanket After Farting is Not Necessary MEN 222 Real Men Ask for Directions MEN 223 Thirty Minutes of Begging is Not Considered Foreplay PSN

To: treetopflier who wrote (1625)	3/6/1999 4:08:00 PM
From: P.S.N.	Respond to of 2733

At a recent computer expo (COMDEX), Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer industry with the auto industry and stated, "If GM had kept up with technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving twenty-five dollar cars that got 1000 mi/gal." Recently General Motors addressed this comment by releasing the statement, "Yes, but would you want your car to crash twice a day?" IF MICROSOFT BUILT CARS..... 1)Every time they repainted the lines on the road you would have to buy a new car. 2)Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no reason, and you would just accept this, restart and drive on. 3)Occasionally, executing a maneuver would cause your car to stop and fail and you would have to re-install the engine. For some strange reason, you would just accept this too. 4)You could only have one person in the car at a time, unless you bought "Car95" or "CarNT". But, then you would have to buy more seats 5)Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, was reliable, five times as fast, twice as easy to drive - but would only run on 5 percent of the roads. 6)The Macintosh car owners would get expensive Microsoft upgrades to their cars, which would make their cars run much slower. 7)The oil, gas and alternator warning lights would be replaced by a single "general car default" warning light, you would just accept this without a second thought. 8)New seats would force everyone to have the same size butt. 9)The airbag system would say "are you sure?" before going off. 10)If you were involved in a crash, you would have no idea what happened, and you would just accept this. PSN