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Pastimes : Jokes -- Ignore unavailable to you. Want to Upgrade?

To: Barney who wrote (1653)	3/4/1999 12:04:00 PM
From: P.S.N.	Respond to of 2733

NOW THAT'S CHICKEN *********************************************************************** A man was driving along a rural road when he realized he had to make a phone call. He was miles from a pay phone so he decided to stop in at the next farmhouse he found. As he was driving up the driveway he noticed a three-legged chicken racing along the road!. He followed the chicken and clocked it at 45 miles per hour. When the man got to the farmhouse he asked the farmer about the chicken. The farmer replied, "W'all, when I was at the uneeversitee I studied geenetics. Round these parts we love chicken and we're all partial to the drumstick, so I thought I'd see if I could make a three-legged chicken. So, here tis." The man was quite impressed. He asked, "How does it taste?" The farmer replied, "Don't know. Ain't none of us been able to catch one yet." ----------------------------------------------------------------------- PSN

To: Barney who wrote (1653)	3/4/1999 12:08:00 PM
From: P.S.N.	Respond to of 2733

IF COKE WAS LIKE MICROSOFT ----------------------------------------------------------------------- After the recent Anti-trust hearings, Bill Gates recently compared the software market with the soft drink market. He says Microsoft is struggling to survive but that the beverage giant will be on top forever because the Department of Justice doesn't pick on them. Of course, Bill should be careful not to give Coke any ideas. We might end up with a scenario like the following: Joe: (walking into McDonalds) Hi, I'd like a Big Mac. Cashier: Okay, here's your Big Mac and here's your Coke. That'll be $3.99. Joe: Uh, I don't want a Coke. Cashier: Sorry, they're bundled. Joe: What? I'm not paying for a Coke! Cashier: You don't; the Coke is free. Joe: But wasn't a Big Mac $2.49 last week? Cashier: Sure, but this latest Big Mac is far more innovative. It's got integrated Coke! Joe: I already bought a Snapple across the street... I'm not going to drink the Coke. Cashier: Then you can't have the burger. Joe: Okay, fine, I will pay the $3.99 and throw the Coke away. Cashier: Oh, you can't do that. They're seamlessly integrated. Totally inseparable. Joe: How can that be? They're two totally separate things! Cashier: No, watch. (takes Big Mac, dunks it in a tank of Coke) See? Joe: Why did you just do that?! Cashier: It's a benefit to the consumer. Otherwise you'd end up with two different, inconsistent tastes. This way you're assured of a continuous taste across all your foods. Joe: Aaarrgh! ----------------------------------------------------------------------- PSN

To: Barney who wrote (1653)	3/4/1999 12:10:00 PM
From: P.S.N.	Respond to of 2733

WINE QUOTES Women: "Men are like fine wine. They all start out like grapes, and it's our job to stomp on them and keep them in the dark until they mature into something with which you'd like to have dinner with." Men: "Women are like fine wine. They all start out fresh, fruity and intoxicating to the mind and then turn full-bodied with age until they go all sour and vinegary and give you a headache." PSN

To: Barney who wrote (1653)	3/4/1999 12:15:00 PM
From: P.S.N.	Respond to of 2733

SOCIETY'S BURNING QUESTIONS *********************************************************************** If Fed Ex and UPS were to merge, would they call it Fed UP? I believe five out of four people have trouble with fractions. If quitters never win, and winners never quit, what fool came up with: "Quit while you're ahead?" Do Lipton Tea employees take coffee breaks? What hair color do they put on the driver's licenses of bald men? I was thinking that women should put pictures of missing husbands on beer cans. I thought about how mothers feed their babies with little tiny spoons and forks so I wonder what Chinese mothers use. Perhaps toothpicks? Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office? What are we supposed to do? Write to these men? Why don't they just put their pictures on the postage stamps so the mailmen could look for them while they delivered the mail? Never agree to plastic surgery if the doctor's office is full of portraits by Picasso. If it's true that we are here to help others, then what exactly are the OTHERS here for? You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive. Clones are people two. If a man says something in the woods and there are no women there, is he still wrong? No one ever says "It's only a game," when their team is winning. If you can't be kind, at least have the decency to be vague. Ever wonder what the speed of lightning would be if it didn't zigzag? Nostalgia isn't what it used to be. Think "honk" if you're telepathic. Last night I played a blank tape at full blast. The mime next door went nuts. If a person with multiple personalities threatens suicide, is that considered a hostage situation? If a cow laughed, would milk come out her nose? ----------------------------------------------------------------------- PSN

To: Barney who wrote (1653)	3/4/1999 12:20:00 PM
From: P.S.N.	Respond to of 2733

WHAT EVERY DOG SHOULD KNOW! *********************************************************************** I will not eat the cats' food, before or after they eat it. I will not burn rubber through the open car window and into the fast food restaurant, no matter how good it smells. The computer's mouse is, unlike a real mouse, inedible. I will stop trying to find the few remaining pieces of carpet in the house when I am about to throw up. I will not throw up in the car. I will not steal used sanitary napkins from the bathroom garbage. I will not roll on dead seagulls, fish, crabs, etc. I will not eat other animals' poop. I will not lick my human's face after eating animal poop. I will not roll my head around in other animals' poop. "Kitty box crunchies" are not food. I will not eat any more socks and then re-deposit them in the backyard after processing. The diaper pail is not a cookie jar. I will not eat the disposable diapers, especially the dirty ones. I will not chew my human's toothbrush and not tell them. I will not chew crayons or pens, 'specially not the red ones, or my people will think I am hemorrhaging. When in the car, I will not insist on having the window rolled down when it's raining outside. I will not drop soggy tennis balls in the underwear of someone who is sitting on the toilet. We do not have a doorbell. I will not bark each time I hear one on TV. I will not steal my Mom's underwear and dance all over the back yard with it. The sofa is not a face towel. Neither are Mom and Dad's laps. My head does not belong in the refrigerator. I will not bite the officer's hand when he reaches in for Mom's driver's license and car registration. I will not play tug-o'-war with Dad's underwear when he's on the toilet. I do not need to suddenly stand straight up when I'm lying under the coffee table. I will not roll my toys behind the fridge. The garbage collector is NOT stealing our stuff. I must shake the rainwater out of my fur BEFORE entering the house. ----------------------------------------------------------------------- PSN

To: Barney who wrote (1653)	3/4/1999 3:45:00 PM
From: Mad2	Read Replies (1) \| Respond to of 2733

Indians and Pole's A businessman boards a flight and is lucky enough to be seated next to a gorgeous woman. They exchange brief hellos and he notices she is reading a manual about sexual statistics. He asks her about it and she replies, "This is a very interesting book about sexual statistics. It identifies that American Indians have the longest average penis and Polish men have the biggest average diameter. By the way, my name is Jill. What's yours?" He coolly replies, "Tonto Kawalski, nice to meet you."