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Pastimes : Jokes -- Ignore unavailable to you. Want to Upgrade?

To: Barney who wrote (1676)	3/5/1999 11:19:00 AM
From: DScottD	Read Replies (2) \| Respond to of 2733

On Christmas morning a cop on horseback is sitting at a traffic light, and next to him is a kid on his shiny new bike. The cop says to the kid, "Nice bike you got there. Did Santa bring that to you?" The Kid says, "Yeah." The cop says, "Well, next year tell Santa to put a tail-light on that bike." The cop then proceeds to issue the kid a $20.00 bicycle safety violation ticket. The kid takes the ticket and before he rides off says, "By the way, that's a nice horse you got there. Did Santa bring that to you?" Humoring the kid, the cop says, "Yeah, he sure did." The kid says, "Well, next year tell Santa to put the dick underneath the horse, instead of on top."

To: Barney who wrote (1676)	3/5/1999 3:08:00 PM
From: Mad2	Respond to of 2733

Newspaper Headlines SOME 40% OF FEMALE GAS STATION EMPLOYEES IN METRO DETROIT ARE WOMEN, UP FROM ALMOST NONE A YEAR AGO. * Detroit News article MARIJUANA ISSUE SENT TO A JOINT COMMITTEE * Toronto Star headline PUBLICIZE YOUR BUSINESS ABSOLUTELY FREE! SEND $6. * Entrepreneur Magazine ad GATORS TO FACE SEMINOLES WITH PETERS OUT * The Tallahassee Bugle MESSIAH CLIMAXES IN CHORUS OF HALLELUJAHS * The Anchorage, Alaska Times MARRIED PRIESTS IN CATHOLIC CHURCH A LONG TIME COMING * The New Haven, Connecticut Register GOVERNOR CHILES OFFERS RARE OPPORTUNITY TO GOOSE HUNTERS * The Tallahassee Democrat WOULD SHE CLIMB TO THE TOP OF MR. EVEREST AGAIN? ABSOLUTELY! * The Houston Chronicle GOVERNOR'S PENIS BUSY [SHOULD BE "PEN IS"] * The New Haven, Connecticut Register THANKS TO PRESIDENT CLINTON, STAFF SGT. FRUER NOW HAS A SON * The Arkansas Plainsman CLINTON PLACES DICKEY IN GORE'S HANDS * Bangor Maine News STARR AGHAST AT FIRST LADY SEX POSITION * The Washington Times CLINTON STIFF ON WITHDRAWAL * The Bosnia Bugle LONG ISLAND STIFFENS FOR LILI'S BLOW * Newsday ORGAN FESTIVAL ENDS IN SMASHING CLIMAX * San Antonio Rose PETROLEUM JELLY KEEPS IDLE TOOLS RUST-FREE * Chicago Daily News TEXTRON INC. MAKES OFFER TO SCREW COMPANY STOCKHOLDERS * The Miami Herald

To: Barney who wrote (1676)	3/5/1999 8:21:00 PM
From: John Messbauer	Read Replies (1) \| Respond to of 2733

Two guys were out playing golf. They tee off and one drive goes to the right and one drive goes to the left. The first guy finds his ball in a patch of buttercups. He grabs a club and takes a mighty swing at the ball. He hits a beautiful second shot, but in the process he hacks the hell out of the buttercups. Suddenly a woman appears out of nowhere. She blocks his path to his ball and looks at him and says, "I'm Mother Nature, and I don't like the way you treated my buttercups. From now on, you won't be able to stand the taste of butter. Each time you eat butter you will become physically ill to the point of total nausea." The woman then disappears as quickly as she appeared. Shaken, the guy calls out to his buddy, "Hey, where's your ball?" "It's over here in the pussy willows." The first guy screams back, "DON'T HIT THE BALL!!! DON'T HIT THE BALL!!!" ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------ Two men waiting at the Pearly Gates strike up a conversation. "How'd you die?" the first man asks the second. "I froze to death," says the second. "That's awful," says the first man. "How does it feel to freeze to death?" "It's very uncomfortable at first", says the second man. "You get the shakes and you get pains in all your fingers and toes. But eventually, it's a very calm way to go. You get numb and you kind of drift off, as if you're sleeping.How about you, how did you die?" "I had a heart attack," says the first man."You see, I knew my wife was cheating on me, so one day I showed up at home unexpectedly. I ran up to the bedroom, and found her alone, knitting. I ran down to the basement, but no one was hiding there, either. I ran up to the second floor, but no one was hiding there either. I ran as fast as I could to the attic, and just as I got there, I had a massive heart attack and died."

To: Barney who wrote (1676)	3/6/1999 2:30:00 PM
From: P.S.N.	Respond to of 2733

Should you receive a document with any of the following viruses, you must immediately open the window and throw your computer out. I repeat, do not ever again use your computer should it be infected with ANY of these horrible viruses. 1. Freudian Virus Your computer becomes obsessed with its own motherboard. Or becomes very jealous of the size of your friend's hard drive. 2. Lorena Bobbit Virus Turns your hard disk into a 3.5 inch floppy. 3. Tonya Harding Virus Turns your .BAT files into lethal weapons. 4. Paul Revere Virus Warns of an impending virus infection: 1 if by LAN, 2 if by C: 5. Hillary Rodham Clinton Virus Instantly turns 1K of disk space into 1 Meg. 6. Ollie North Virus Plays a patriotic .WAV while it shreds your files. 7. Joey Buttafuaco Virus Only attacks minor files. 8. Ronald Reagan Virus Saves your data, but forgets where it's stored. 9. Jane Fonda Virus Attacks your hard drive's FAT. 10. Oprah Winfrey Virus Your 200MB hard drive suddenly shrinks to 80MB, and then slowly expands to 300MB. 11. AT&T Virus Every three minutes it tells you what great service you are getting. 12. MCI Virus Every three minutes it reminds you that you're paying too much for the AT&T virus. 13. Politically Correct Virus Never calls itself a "virus," but instead refers to itself as an "electronic microorganism." 14. Ross Perot Virus Activates every component in your system, just before the whole darn thing quits. 15. Arnold Schwarzenegger Virus Terminates and stays resident. It'll be back. 16. Government Economist Virus Nothing works, but all your diagnostic software says everything is fine. 17. Federal Bureaucrat Virus Divides your hard disk into hundreds of little units, each of which does practically nothing, but all of which claim to be the most important part of your computer. 18. Adam and Eve Virus Takes a couple of bytes out of your Apple computer. 19. Congressional Virus #1 The computer locks up, screen splits erratically with a message appearing on each half blaming the other side for the problem. 20. Congressional Virus #2 Runs every program on the hard drive simultaneously but doesn't allow the user to accomplish anything. 21. Airline Virus You're in Dallas, but your data is in Singapore. 22. PBS Virus Your computer stops every few minutes to ask for money. 23. Jimmy Hoffa Virus Your programs can never be found again. > 24. LAPD Virus It claims it feels threatened by the other files on your PC and erases them in "self-defense." > 25. O.J. Virus It claims that it did not, could not and would not delete two of your files and vows to find the virus that did it. PSN