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Pastimes : Jokes -- Ignore unavailable to you. Want to Upgrade?

To: DScottD who wrote (1677)	3/5/1999 1:26:00 PM
From: Mad2	Read Replies (1) \| Respond to of 2733

IF DEAR ABBY WERE A MAN... Q: My fiancée still has feelings for his old girlfriends. I'm afraid he will not be faithful. A: A man's capacity to love is boundless. It has been proven to increase with the number of sexual partners. Thus, by having a few other women, your partner is really increasing his love for you. Best thing to do is to buy him a nice, expensive present, cook him a nice meal and don't mention this aspect of his behavior. Q: My husband has too many nights out with the boys. A: This is perfectly natural behavior-And it should be encouraged. The man is a hunter and he needs to prove his prowess with other men. Far from being pleasurable, a night out with the boys is a stressful affair, and to get back to you is a relief for your partner. Just look back at how emotional and happy the man is when he returns to his stable home. Best thing to do is to buy him a nice, expensive present, cook him a nice meal and don't mention this aspect of his behavior. Q: My husband wants to experience three-in-a-bed-sex with me and my sister. A: Your husband is clearly devoted to you. He cannot get enough of you, so he goes for the next best thing - your sister. Far from being an issue, this will bring all of the family together. Why not get some cousins involved? If you are still apprehensive, then let him go with your relatives, buy him a nice, expensive present, cook him a nice meal and don't mention this aspect of his behavior Q: My husband continually asks me to perform oral sex with him. A: Do it. Sperm is not only great tasting, but has only 10 calories a spoonful. It is nutritious and helps you to keep your figure and gives a great glow to the skin. Interestingly, a man knows this. His offer to you to perform oral sex with him is totally selfless. Oral sex is extremely painful for a man. This shows he loves you. Best thing to do is to thank him, buy him a nice, expensive present, and cook him a nice meal. Q: My husband goes straight to sleep after making love - we have no time to talk. A: Sex is an extremely difficult task for a man. Afterwards he needs rest. In fact, the more he loves you, the more hard work his lovemaking is, and the more rest he needs. Stop putting pressure on him. Best thing to do is to buy him a nice, expensive present, cook him a nice meal and don't mention this aspect of his behavior. Q: My husband's efforts at lovemaking only last 30 seconds. A: Your husband loves you very much. He is so turned on by you that he cannot control himself. In fact, the shorter the 'effort' the more he loves you. Return this love by buying a nice, expensive present, cooking him a nice meal and not mentioning his behavior. Q: My husband is uninterested in foreplay. A: Foreplay to a man is very hurtful. What it means is that you do not love your man as much as you should-he has to work a lot to get you in the mood. Abandon all wishes in this area, and make it up to him by buying a nice expensive present, cooking a nice meal and not mentioning this behavior. Q: My husband has never given me an orgasm. A: The female orgasm is a myth. It is fostered by militant, man-hating feminists and is a danger to the family unit. Don't mention it again to him and show your love to him by buying a nice expensive present ..and don't forget to cook him a delicious meal.

To: DScottD who wrote (1677)	3/6/1999 2:33:00 PM
From: P.S.N.	Respond to of 2733

"How to Keep the Wackiness Alive in the Modern Workplace, Part I" Put a chair facing a printer, sit there all day and tell people you're waiting for your document. Arrive at a meeting late, say you're sorry, but you didn't have time for lunch, and you're going to be nibbling during the meeting. During the meeting, eat 5 entire raw potatoes. Insist that your e-mail address be "zena_goddess_of_fire@companyname.com" Every time someone asks you to do something, ask him/her to sign a waiver. Every time someone asks you to do something, ask him/her if s/he want fries with that. Send email to yourself engaging yourself in an intelligent debate about the direction of one of your company's products. Forward the mail to a co-worker and ask him/her to settle the disagreement. Page yourself over the intercom. (Don't disguise your voice.) Name all your pens and insist that meetings can't begin until they're all present. Come to work in your pajamas. Put a picture of your mother on your business card. Find out where your boss shops and buy exactly the same outfits. Always wear them one day after your boss does. (This is especially effective if your boss is a different gender than you are.) Make up nicknames for all your coworkers and refer to them only by these names. "That's a good point Sparky." "No I'm sorry I'm going to have to disagree with you there, Chachi." Suggest that beer be put in the soda machine. Include a piece of your children's artwork as a cover page for all reports that you write. (If you don't have children, draw stick figures yourself.) Schedule meetings for 4:14 pm. Encourage your colleagues to join you in a little synchronized chair dancing. Volunteer to organize the company Christmas party. Hold it at McDonald's Playland. Charge everyone $15 each. Send e-mail to the rest of the company telling them what you're doing. For example: "If anyone needs me, I'll be in the bathroom." No matter what anyone asks you, reply "OK" while nodding. Put your garbage can on your desk. Label it "IN." Plant a hedge around your cubicle. Grow mold in your coffee cup. Build models of the Seven Wonders of the World using empty soda cans. Put on your headphones on whenever the boss comes into the office. Talk in a loud voice. Remove your headphones when he or she leaves. When in conversation, no matter where you are in the office, mutter, "I think my phone is ringing" and leave. Go get a coffee. Determine how many cups of coffee is "too many." PSN