MONICA'S NEW MOVIE - Part 2 The Wizard of Is
The Frumious Bandersnatch has obtained an early treatment for a movie that Monica Lewinsky is shopping around Hollywood. Her pitch is based on updating the classic MGM film, The Wizard of Oz. Last week we presented Part I of her script. Part II of the treatment follows:
Monica, having left Medialand, comes to a crossroad on the Easy Way Out. Next to the crossroad is a field of organic corn with an old scarecrow (played by Al Gore) on a post.
Monica: Oh dear! Which road should I take?
Scarecrow: You could take the road to the left. [Monica is startled to hear the scarecrow speak.] That would win you the support of minorities, environmentalists, labor, and feminists. On the other hand, it could cost you the soccer moms. The road to the center will win them back, and garner business support, but could cost you your base. I've been stuck here for seven years trying to decide the right way to go.
Monica: Why has it taken you so long to decide?
Scarecrow: It's because I have no brain! My head is filled with straw.
Monica: Well, I'm off to Emerald City to see the Wizard of Is. He's going to help get back home. Maybe he can give you a brain!
Scarecrow: That would be wonderful! Can you help me down?
[She assists him off his perch.]
Monica: What would you do, if you had a brain?
Scarecrow: What would I do?
[Breaks into song.]
I could wile away the hours Expandin' government powers And talking acid rain I could tax your every dollar Until I make you holler If I only had a brain
[Dances with Monica.]
I'd be solvin' global warmin' Great policies I'd be formin' And feelin' all your pain [Monica sings:] With the thoughts you'd be thinkin' You'd remember who was Lincoln If you only had a brain
[During the dancing they've lost their bearings, and they head off willy-nilly back up the road Monica had just come down.
They wander off down a side road, and come to a swamp where they stop to catch crawdads. They find a tin woodsman (played by James Carville) seized up and covered in slime. Through his rusted lips he tells them he needs hog grease rubbed all over him so that he's nice and oily. After they oil his jaws, he begins a non-stop stream of talk. He tells them about growing up poor, and how it's left him damaged.]
Monica: Damaged? But you look… [She looks him up and down.] Well… you don't look sick, anyway.
Tin Woodsman: Listen. [Bangs on chest.] It's hollow -- no heart.
Monica: No heart? Why, that's terrible!
Tin Woodsman: You're telling me!
[Sings.]
I'd stop spendin' all my hours Trashin' Gennifer Flowers And tearing Jones apart I'd cooperate on the double -- Not pay off Webster Hubble If I only had a heart
There'd be no more Corporal Cueball No longer would I stonewall Or call Ken Starr a fart I just might get some nookie >From my little right-wing cookie If I only had a heart
[Setting off down the road together, they enter a rather mean-spirited part of the forest. Tattered social nets hang from twisted trees. Slimy drops of ill-gotten wealth trickle down onto the hunched backs of the proletariat. The throbbing, shamanisitc drumbeats of voodoo economics fill the air.]
Monica: Do you think there are any right-wingers in this part of the forest?
Tin Woodsman: Oh, I imagine so.
Scarecrow [shuddering]: What kind of right-wingers?
Tin Woodsman: Oh, perhaps some paleo-cons, or populists, or free-marketers. But mostly old lions, pro-lifers, and hawks.
All: Lions, pro-lifers and hawks, oh my! Lions, pro-lifers and hawks, oh my! Lions, pro-lifers and hawks, oh my! Lions, pro-lifers and hawks, oh my!
[A lion, played by Bob Dole, leaps from behind a tree.]
Cowardly Lion: Roar! Roar! Giant tax cuts! Roar!
Tin Woodsman: You mangy ol' pole-cat. More tax giveaways for your fat cat friends, hey?
Cowardly Lion: Don't say that! I'm terrified of people saying that!
Monica: You're afraid of what people might say?
Cowardly Lion: The Cowardly Lion is afraid of a lot of things. The Cowardly Lion is afraid of his own poll numbers! The Cowardly Lion is afraid of all the urinals being taken at the public restroom. He's so scared that he hasn't been able to perform properly for Mrs. Lion in months. [Sotto voce.] In fact, I can't even remember where my den is located.
Monica: I'm sure the Wizard can help you find some courage. We're going to see him at the Emerald City.
Cowardly Lion: May Cowardly Lion join you?
Scarecrow: Sure! Let's go.
[All four head down the road. They eventually arrive at the Emerald City, and, after some difficulties and a makeover from Vanity Fair, find themselves waiting outside the Wizard's inner office.]
Monica: Mr. Lion, what would you do if you were President of the Forest?
Cowardly Lion: If I were Prez of the forest Not rep, not veep, not judge All my affairs would be private No Limbaugh, no Goldberg, no Drudge I'd command each thing in the forest Wear it star, wear it cross, wear it fez And the press would watch what it says If I, if I were Prez
Monica: Mr. President, you wouldn't be afraid of anything?
Cowardly Lion: Not a thing!
Scarecrow: Not even an independent counsel?
Cowardly Lion: I'd give him a good trounsel!
Tin Woodsman: Not even a Grand jury meeting?
Cowardly Lion: I'd give them all a good beating!
Monica: Not even a flashed thong?
Cowardly Lion: My Viagra would make me strong!
[The door to the wizard's inner office opens, emitting clouds of dry ice smoke. They find themselves in a room with a disco ball, leopard-print wallpaper, and shag carpeting. In the far corner is a heart-shaped whirlpool. In the center is a large water bed over which is a mirror. "Disco Inferno" blares from an 8-track quadraphonic stereo: Burn, baby, burn Disco inferno!
The floating head of the wizard appears before them. He has slicked-back hair, silk shirt open to navel, hairy chest, gold chains.]
Wizard of Is: I am the potent and virile Is. How dare you come before me! (All except for you, Monica, you sweet little thing.) [Winks at her.] What is it you want from Is?
Tin Woodsman: Well, it all started with an over-zealous special prosecutor…
Wizard of Is: Quiet! Is knows what you came for! If you want my help I'll expect some payback.
Monica: Payback?
Wizard of Is: Yes, yes… a very minor thing, really. The Wizard wants you to bring back the cigarette lighter of the Wicked Witch of the Really, Really, Extreme Right-Wing.
Scarecrow: Bring back her lighter! Why, we couldn't even pry that from her dead fingers.
Wizard of Is: Go! And don't come back without that lighter!
[Great clouds of tax return audits rise around the Wizard. The four companions flee the room in terror.]
End of Part II
© 1999, Gene Callahan and Stu Morgenstern Contributing Editors |