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Pastimes : Jokes -- Ignore unavailable to you. Want to Upgrade?

To: treetopflier who wrote (1719)	3/9/1999 10:56:00 PM
From: Barney	Read Replies (2) \| Respond to of 2733

BUMPER STICKERS WE'D JUST LOVE TO SEE ... Could you drive any better if I shoved that cell phone up your ASS? If you can read this, I can slam on my brakes and sue you! Jesus loves you, but everyone else thinks you're an asshole 100,000 sperm and YOU were the fastest? Your gene pool needs a little chlorine. You're just jealous because the voices are talking to me and not you! DON'T PISS ME OFF! I'M RUNNING OUT OF PLACES TO HIDE THE BODIES. JESUS SAVES . . . They Pass It To Gretzky . . . He Shoots.. He..Scores! Jesus is coming! Look busy! You are depriving some poor village of its IDIOT Save Your Breath ... You'll need it to blow up your date! Forget world peace. Visualize using your turn signal. My Hockey Mom Can Beat Up Your Soccer Mom GROW YOUR OWN DOPE, PLANT A MAN All Men Are Animals, Some Just Make Better Pets Some people are only alive because it is illegal to shoot them. I used to have a handle on life, but it broke. WANTED: Meaningful overnight relationship. BEER: It's not just for breakfast anymore. I need someone really bad...Are you really bad? Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder. All men are idiots....I married their king. The more you complain, the longer God makes you live. IRS: We've got what it takes to take what you've got. Hard work has a future payoff. Laziness pays off now. Reality is a crutch for people who can't handle drugs. Out of my mind...Back in five minutes. Hang up and drive. Smile, it's the second best thing you can do with your lips. I took an IQ test and the results were negative. Where there's a will...I want to be in it. It's lonely at the top, but you eat better. Don't drink and drive...You might hit a bump and spill your drink. We are born naked, wet, and hungry.... Then things get worse. Friends help you move. Real friends help you move bodies. Consciousness: That annoying time between naps. Ever stop to think, and forget to start again? Be nice to your kids...They will pick out your nursing home. Always remember you're unique...Just like everyone else. and the #1 bumper sticker of the week...... Honk If You Want To See My Finger

To: treetopflier who wrote (1719)	3/9/1999 11:01:00 PM
From: Barney	Respond to of 2733

A man went to confession and said, "Forgive me father, for I have sinned." The priest asked if he would like to confess his sins, and the man replied that he had used the "F-word" over the weekend. The priest said, "Oh, okay, just say three Hail Marys and try to watch your language." The man replied that he would like to confess as to why he said the F-word." The priest sighed and told him to continue. "Well, father, I played golf on Sunday with my buddies instead of going to church." The priest said, "And you got upset over that and swore?" The man replied, "No, that wasn't why I swore. On the first tee I duck-hooked my drive well left into the trees." The priest said, "And that's when you swore." The man replied, a little testily because of the constant interruptions,"No, it wasn't. When I walked up the fairway, I noticed my ball got a lucky bounce and I had a clear shot to the green. However, before I could hit the ball, a squirrel ran by and grabbed my ball and scurried up a tree." The priest asked, "Is that when you said the 'F-word'?" The man replied, "No, because an eagle then flew by and caught the squirrel in it's sharp talons and flew away." The priest let out a breath and queried, "Is that when you swore?" The man replied, "No, because the eagle flew over the green and the dying squirrel let go of my golf ball and it landed within 5 inches of the hole." The priest screamed, "Don't tell me you missed the fucking putt!!!"

To: treetopflier who wrote (1719)	3/11/1999 1:36:00 PM
From: P.S.N.	Read Replies (3) \| Respond to of 2733

Greetings, Hope you enjoy the story. It has been given to me and I hand it on to you. Clerical-types will find "homily food" in this. Jerry was the kind of guy you love to hate. He was always in a good mood and always had something positive to say. When someone would ask him how he was doing, he would reply, "If I were any better, I would be twins!" He was a unique manager because he had several waiters who had followed him around from restaurant to restaurant. The reason the waiters followed Jerry was because of his attitude. He was a natural motivator. If an employee was having a bad day, Jerry was there telling the employee how to look on the positive side of the situation. Seeing his style really made me curious, so one day I went up to Jerry and asked him, "I don't get it! You can't be a positive person all of the time. How do you do it?" Jerry replied, "Each morning I wake up and say to myself , Jerry, you have two choices today. You can choose to be in a good mood or you can choose to be in a bad mood." I choose to be in a good mood. Each time something bad happens, I can choose to be a victim or I can choose to learn from it. I choose to learn from it. Every time someone comes to me complaining, I can choose to accept their complaining or I can point out the positive side of life. I choose the positive side of life." '"Yeah, right, it's not that easy." I protested. "Yes it is," Jerry said, "Life is all about choices. When you cut away all the junk, every situation is a choice. You choose how you react to situations. You choose how people will affect your mood. You choose to be in a good mood or bad mood. The bottom line: It's your choice to live life." I reflected on what Jerry said. Soon thereafter, I left the restaurant industry to start my own business. We lost touch, but often thought about him when I made a choice about life instead of reacting to it. Several years later, I heard that jerry did something you are never supposed to do in a restaurant business, he left the back door open one morning and was held up at gun point by three armed robbers. While trying to open the safe, his hand, shaking from the nervousness, slipped off the combination. The robbers panicked and shot him. Luckily, Jerry was found relatively quickly and rushed to a local trauma center. After 18 hours of surgery and weeks of intensive care, Jerry was released from the hospital with fragments of the bullets still in his body. I saw jerry about six months after the accident. When I asked him how he was, he said, "If I were any better, I'd be twins. Wanna see my scars?" I declined to see his wounds but did ask him what had gone through his mind as the robbery took place. "The first thing that went through my mind was that I should have locked the back door," Jerry replied. "Then, as I lay on the floor, I remembered that I had two choices-I could choose to live, or I could choose to die. I chose to live." "Weren't you scared? Did you lose consciousness?" I asked. Jerry continued. "The paramedics were great. They kept telling me I was going to be fine. But, when they whelled me into the emergency room and I saw the expressions on the faces of the doctors and nurses, I got really scared. In their eyes, I read, 'He's a dead man.' I knew I needed to take action." " What did you do?" I asked. "Well, there was a big, burly nurse shouting questions at me, " said Jerry." "She asked if I was allergic to anything. 'Yes,' I replied. The doctors and nurses stopped working as they waited for my reply. I took a deep breath and yelled, 'Bullets!' Over their laughter, I told them, "I am choosing to live. Operate on me as if I am alive, not dead." Jerry lived thanks to the skill of his doctors, but also because of his amazing attitude. I learned from him that every day we have the choice to live fully. Attitude, after all, is everything. You have 2 choices now: 1. Save or delete this mail from your mailbox or 2 . Forward it to people you care about. Hope you will choose No. 2. Work like you don't need the money. Love like you've never been hurt. Dance like nobody's watching. Its gotta come from the heart...if you want it to work..... >> >> PSN