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Pastimes : Jokes -- Ignore unavailable to you. Want to Upgrade?

To: Barney who wrote (1723)	3/10/1999 7:44:00 PM
From: Amots	Respond to of 2733

A (failed) manager is forced to quit, and he meets his successor and says to him: "Listen, I've prepared here three sealed and numbered envelopes for you. In case of difficulties open the first. If difficulties recur, open the second envelope. As a last resort, open the third one." And so he left. The newly appointed manager started to work. After some time, the problems began. So he opened the first envelope and found a letter saying: "Blame me for everything". So he did, and it helped, at least for some time. When the recipe couldn't help anymore, he opened the second envelope and found the next advise: "Start a reorganization". The advice also helped, and the manager could go on. But finally, new problems have arisen, and he had to open the third envelope and read the last letter. It said: "Prepare the three envelopes.".

To: Barney who wrote (1723)	3/11/1999 1:18:00 PM
From: P.S.N.	Respond to of 2733

******************************************************************** Ah, yes, divorce, from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man's genitals through his wallet. Robin William Women complain about premenstrual syndrome, but I think of it as the only time of the month that I can be myself. Roseanne Women need a reason to have sex. Men just need a place. Billy Crystal According to a new survey, women say they feel more comfortable undressing in front of men than they do undressing in front of other women. They say that women are too judgmental, where, of course, men are just grateful. Jay Leno In the last couple of weeks I have seen the ads for the Wonder Bra. Is that really a problem in this country? Men not paying enough attention to women's breasts? Jay Leno There's a new medical crisis. Doctors are reporting that many men are having allergic reactions to latex condoms. They say they cause severe swelling. So what's the problem? Jay Leno The post office says they're raising the price of stamps by one cent because they need to upgrade their equipment. Apparently, they're going from semi-automatics to uzis. Conan O'Brien A survey says that American workers work the first three hours every day just to pay their taxes. So that's why we can't get anything done in the morning: We're government workers! Jay Leno Electricity can be dangerous. My nephew tried to stick a penny into a plug. Whoever said a penny doesn't go far didn't see him shoot across that floor. I told him he was grounded. Tim Allen If you can't beat them, arrange to have them beaten. George Carlin I am a marvelous housekeeper. Every time I leave a man I keep his house. Zsa Zsa Gabor When I was in the Boy Scouts, I slipped on the ice and hurt my ankle. A little old lady had to help me across the street. Steven Wright After making love I said to my girl, "Was it good for you too?" And she said, "I don't think this was good for anybody." Gary Shandling The problem with the designated driver program, it's not a desirable job. But if you ever get sucked into doing it, have fun with it. At the end of the night, drop them off at the wrong house. Jeff Foxworthy ******************************************************************** PSN

To: Barney who wrote (1723)	3/11/1999 1:20:00 PM
From: P.S.N.	Respond to of 2733

Wise Words ====================================================================== Smart man + smart woman = romance Smart man + dumb woman = pregnancy Dumb man + smart woman = affair Dumb man + dumb woman = marriage Smart boss + smart employee = profit Smart boss + dumb employee = production Dumb boss + smart employee = promotion Dumb boss + dumb employee = overtime A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs. A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need. A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband. A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife. A successful man is one who makes more money that his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man. To be happy with a man, you must understand him a lot and love him a little. To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot & not try to understand her at all. Married men lived longer than single man, but married men are a lot more willing to die. Any married man should forget his mistakes, there's no use in two people remembering the same thing. Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed. Women somehow deteriorate during the night. A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't. A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, and she does. A woman has the last word in any argument. Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument. There are 2 times when a man understands a woman - before marriage and after marriage. ********************************************************************** PSN