The Wizard of Is
The Frumious Bandersnatch has obtained an early treatment for a movie that
Monica Lewinsky is shopping around Hollywood. Her pitch is based on updating the
classic MGM film, The Wizard of Oz. Last week we presented Part II of her script.
Part III of the treatment follows:
[Monica, the Scarecrow, the Tin Woodsman, and the Cowardly Lion have been sent by
the Wizard of Is to retrieve the cigarette lighter of the Wicked Witch of the Really, Really
Extreme Right. The four friends head out to National Airport, to catch the Delta Shuttle up
to New York, where the witch keeps a castle, sort of as a little pied-à-terre. When they are
deplaning in New York, they are accosted by airport security, whom they recognize to be
the witch's flying monkeys in disguise. The monkeys deliver a subpoena to Monica,
requiring her to come to the Wicked Witch's castle. Simultaneously, they stage a ferocious
verbal assault on the rest of her friends.]
Monkeys [to Scarecrow]: What about those donations from the Buddhist temple? What
about those phone calls from the White House? Just what proof do you have that global
warming is happening? How do you spell potato?
[These questions knock the stuffing out of the Scarecrow.]
Tin Woodsman: I'm declarin' war on you monkeys, and anyone who supports your
unconstitutional usurpation of our rights!
Cowardly Lion: If Cowardly Lion were just a few years younger…
[Monica is taken away by the monkeys. The Tin Woodsman and Cowardly Lion run over
to help the Scarecrow. They frantically try to rebuild his self-esteem.]
Tin Woodsman: Boy, it feels really hot here! Must be that global warming you keep
talking about.
Cowardly Lion: Listen, anyone can mistake a Buddhist temple for an Elk's Lodge.
Scarecrow: Why, You're right. I feel better already!
[Meanwhile the Wicked Witch interrogates Monica.]
Wicked Witch: So you want to call your lawyer, eh? Instead, I think that a little torture is
in order. We're going to let you browse in our shopping mall here, but we've canceled all
your credit cards! Ha, ha, hack, hack.
[Meanwhile, her friends follow the strong smell of cigarette smoke until they come to a
fashionable Upper West Side apartment building, which is guarded by jack-booted thugs.
When the guards aren't expecting it, Monica's friends are able to start a meaningful dialogue
with them and convince them to run away and join Americorps. They put on the thugs
abandoned uniforms and sneak into witch's castle. They search through the building and
eventually find Monica. The four run for their lives as the witch and her armies pursue.
Finally, up on the rooftop garden, National Review, R. Emmett Tyrrell and Michael Kelly
close in from the right, Christopher Hitchens and The Nation from the left, and the four
friends are trapped by the witch's evil forces.]
Wicked Witch: I've got you all now. Cough, cough.
Tin Woodsman: You're just in league with Big Tobacco to overturn the will of the
American People! We're not afraid of you.
Cowardly Lion: Yeah! Who's afraid?
Wicked Witch: You, lion… you don't have any courage at all. I bet you can't even…
hack, hack, perform.
Cowardly Lion: All right, all right, I admit it… I have the courage to admit that I do suffer
from erectile dysfunction!
Wicked Witch: How about a smoke, Scarecrow? [She holds out her lighter towards him.
Just as the witch goes to light up, Monica presents her with an indoor smoking ban.]
Wicked Witch: Ah! I'm craving! I'm craving! [Slowly she melts, her voice getting shriller.]
Does anyone have some Nicorette? Help me, I'm withdrawing! [Eventually she shrivels up
into a pile of cigarette ashes and slowly blows away in the breeze, leaving behind her lighter.
The leader of her army comes forward.]
General: She's gone. You've saved us all from that miasma of second hand smoke. Thank
you Monica! Please accept this lighter as a token of our appreciation.
[The foursome heads back to the Emerald City. They are ushered in to see the Great Is.
Again the stereo is blaring as the mirrored ball shimmers. The heavy scent of musk fills the
air. They show him the lighter and demand that he fulfills all their needs. The Wiz breaks
down and tells them that he acted inappropriately and he may have misled them. Amazingly,
the residents of the Emerald city cheer the Wiz, and he is more popular than ever. As a
reward for all they have done, The Wiz gives them some inexpensive trinkets that he picked
up in Martha's Vineyard the previous summer.]
Wizard of Is: You, scarecrow, think you're problem is that you don't have a brain. My
friend, that's no obstacle in life. You just can't let people think you're such a stuffed shirt --
you've got to loosen up a bit! To you I give the phone number of Dick Morris's "girlfriend."
You, Tin Woodsman, believe that you need a heart. Not true, not true! I've found all I need
to handle things on the home front is a roll of strong duct tape. This'll keep your wife's
mouth shut on all those Sunday morning talk shows.
Cowardly Lion, there's no reason to have courage. Fifty million in Chinese campaign
contributions and a pile of hush money did the job for me! I hereby grant you this certificate
that states that, if you had those things, you would have been Prez of the Forest.
By the way, all of you should make sure that you hide these. You might have to return them
to my secretary later, in fact.
Monica: And what about me, Mr. Wizard? [She bats her eyelashes at him.]
Wizard of Is: Baby, baby, I was comin' to you. I'm really going to do it -- take you away
with me back to Arkansas. You wait right here, and I'll go get Is Force One warmed up.
[Wizard leaves. They wait several minutes. The rumble of a jet passing by is heard
overhead.]
Monica [crying]: Oh my God! The big creep dumped me! Now I'll never get home.
[Her friends attempt to comfort her. >From out of a soap bubble, Vernon, the Good Witch
of the Sensible Center, appears.]
Vernon: The Wizard sent me, with a message for you. He wants you to know that you've
always had the power to go home. All you need to do is repeat after me, "No one ever told
me to lie."
Monica: No one ever told me to lie. No one ever told me to lie. No one ever told me to
lie.
[She falls into a trance, and awakens in a bed back in the Watergate. Around her is a
crowd of worried faces.]
Monica: I'm home!
Marcia Lewis: Of course you're home, dear. You just had a nasty bump on the head.
Monica: No, I went to the strangest place. You were there, Mr. Vice-President, and you,
Mr. Carville, and you, too, Senator Dole.
Ginsburg: Now, now, Monica, you've had a bad dream. Let me kiss your inner thigh, and
you'll forget all about it.
Gore: And Monica, just remember, even if that dream was real, it was all just a private
matter anyway.
[Everyone has a big group hug. String music swells, and we fade to black.]
© 1999, Gene Callahan and Stu Morgenstern Contributing Editors |
