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Pastimes : Jokes -- Ignore unavailable to you. Want to Upgrade?

To: Gordon Quickstad who wrote (1818)	3/22/1999 10:19:00 AM
From: Barney	Respond to of 2733

An investment counselor went out on her own. She was shrewd and diligent, so business kept coming in, and pretty soon she realized she needed an in-house counsel, so she began interviewing young lawyers. "As I'm sure you can understand," she started off with one of the first applicants, "in a business like this, our personal integrity must be beyond question." She leaned forward. "Mr. Peterson, are you an honest lawyer?" "Honest?" replied the job prospect. "Let me tell you something about honest. Why, I'm so honest that my father lent me fifteen thousand dollars for my education and I paid back every penny the minute I tried my very first case." "Impressive. And what sort of case was that?" The lawyer squirmed in his seat and admitted, "He sued me for the money."

To: Gordon Quickstad who wrote (1818)	3/22/1999 7:30:00 PM
From: Barney	Respond to of 2733

Three friends--an Irishman, an Italian and a Polish fellow were walking past their favorite bar. They noticed a new sign in the window which read, "Free drink to anyone who can name a drink I can't make" signed Joe, the bartender. Well, they couldn't pass up an opportunity for a free drink---so the Irishman goes in and says, "Joe, I'll have an IW please." The old bartender says, "Sure enough Mr. O'Reilly, I'll get you your Irish whiskey!" So O'Reilly pays for his drink and goes out and tells the Italian that Joe had outsmarted him. "I'll give him one he won't know," said the Italian. So he goes in and says, "Joe, I'll have an IWW." "OK Mr. Garibaldi, I'll get you your Italian white wine!" said Joe. So, the Italian pays for his drink and goes out and tells his Polish friend that Joe had outsmarted him too. So the Polish guy goes in and says, "I;ll have a 13." Joe looks and him in disbelief saying,"Well, Mr. Dumkowski, I guess I owe you a free one---what is a 13 anyway?" Dumkowski says, "You should have figure that one out---it's a 7 and 7.

To: Gordon Quickstad who wrote (1818)	3/22/1999 7:33:00 PM
From: Barney	Respond to of 2733

Top US holiday destinations according occupations ************************************************* Artists: Painted Desert, Arizona Athletes: Olympia Heights, Florida Candy Makers: Carmel, Indiana College Professors: University City, Missouri Ecologists: Green Bay Wisconsin Firefighters: Smokey Mountains Fortune tellers: Palm Springs, California Geologists: Stone Mountain, Georgia Gossip Columnists: Grapevine, Texas Helicopter Pilots: Hoover, Alabama Home Builders: New Castle, Pennsylvania Jewelers: Pearl City, Hawaii Landscapers: Garden City, Michigan Lawyers: Accident, Maryland Loan Officers: Fairbanks, Alaska Lumber Jacks: Thousand Oaks, California Manicurists: Finger Lakes, New York Optometrists: Plainview, New York Pastors: Chapel Hill, North Carolina Pianists: Florida Keys Podiatrists: Arches National Park, Utah Politicians: Dodge City, Kansas Prostitutes: Pleasure Ridge, Kentucky Real Estate Salesmen: Loveland, Colorado Refrigerator Repairmen: Chilum, Maryland Retired Army Officers: East Point, Georgia Sailors: Marina, California Sheriffs: Marshalltown, Iowa Tree Trimmers: Long Branch, New Jersey TV Evangelists: Paradise, California

To: Gordon Quickstad who wrote (1818)	3/22/1999 8:01:00 PM
From: Barney	Respond to of 2733

Ways to annoy your Public Bathroom Stallmate- 1.Stick your palm open under the stall wall and ask your neighbor,"May I borrow a highlighter?" 2.Say "Uh oh, I knew I shouldn't put my lips on that." 3. Cheer and clap loudly every time somebody breaks the silence with a bodily function noise 4. Say, "Hmmm, I've never seen that color before." 5. Drop a marble and say, "Oh shit!! My glass eye!!" 6. Say "Damn, this water is cold." 7. Grunt and strain real loud for 30 seconds and then drop a cantaloupe into the toilet bowl from a high place and sigh relaxingly. 8. Say, "Now how did that get there?" 9. Say, "Humus. Reminds me of humus." 10. Fill up a large flask with Mountain Dew. Squirt it erratically under the stall walls of your neighbors while yelling,"Whoa! Easy boy !!" 11. Say," Interesting....more sinkers than floaters" 12. Using a small squeeze tube, spread peaunt butter on a wad of toilet paper and drop under the stall wall of your neighbor. Then say, "Whoops, could you kick that back over here, please? 13. Say, "C'mon Mr. Happy! Don't fall asleep on me!! > > 14. Say, "Boy, that sure looks like a maggot" 15. Say, "Damn, I knew that drain hole was a little too small.Now what am I gonna do?" 16. Play a well known drum cadence over and over again on your butt cheeks. 17. Before you unroll toilet paper, conspicuously lay down your "Cross-Dressers Anonymous" newsletter on the floor visible to the adjacent stall. 18. Lower a small mirror underneath the stall wall and adjust it so you can see your neighbor and say, "Peek-a-boo!" 19. Drop a D-cup bra on the floor under the stall wall and sing "Born Free"

To: Gordon Quickstad who wrote (1818)	3/22/1999 8:08:00 PM
From: Barney	Read Replies (1) \| Respond to of 2733

Meyer, a lonely widower, was walking home along Delancy Street one day wishing something wonderful would happen into his life when he passed a Pet Store and heard a squawking voice shouting out in Yiddish: "Quawwwwk...vus macht du...yeah, du...outside, standing like a putzel...eh?" Meyer rubbed his eyes and ears. Couldn't believe it. The proprietor sprang out of the door and grabbed Meyer by the sleeve. "Come in here, fella, and check out this parrot..." Meyer stood in front of an African Grey that cocked his little head and said: "Vus? Kenst reddin Yiddish?" Meyer turned excitedly to the store owner. "He speaks Yiddish?" "Vuh den? Chinese maybe?" In a matter of moments, Meyer had placed five hundred dollars down on the counter and carried the parrot in his cage away with him. All night he talked with the parrot. In Yiddish. He told the parrot about his father's adventures coming to America. About how beautiful his mother was when she was a young bride. About his family. About his years of working in the garment center. About Florida. The parrot listened and commented. They shared some walnuts. The parrot told him of living in the pet store, how he hated the weekends. They both went to sleep. Next morning, Meyer began to put on his tfillin, all the while, saying his prayers. The parrot demanded to know what he was doing, and when Meyer explained, the parrot wanted some too. Meyer went out and hand-made a miniature set of tfillin for the parrot. The parrot wanted to learn to daven and learned every prayer. He wanted to learn to read Hebrew so Meyer spent weeks and months, sitting and teaching the parrot, teaching him Torah. In time, Meyer came to love and count on the parrot as a friend and a Jew. He had been saved. One morning, on Rosh Hashona, Meyer rose and got dressed and was about to leave when the parrot demanded to go with him. Meyer explained that Shul was not place for a bird but the parrot made a terrific argument and was carried to Shul on Meyer's shoulder. Needless to say, they made quite a spectacle, and Meyer was questioned by everyone, including the Rabbi and Cantor. They refused to allow a bird into the building on the High Holy Days but Meyer convinced them to let him in this one time, swearing that parrot could daven. Wagers were made with Meyer. Thousands of dollars were bet (even odds) that the parrot could NOT daven, could not speak Yiddish or Hebrew, etc. All eyes were on the African Grey during services. The parrot perched on Meyer's shoulder as one prayer and song passed - Meyer heard not a peep from the bird. He began to become annoyed, slapping at his shoulder and mumbling under his breath, "Daven!" Nothing. "Daven...parrot, you can daven, so daven...come on, everybody's looking at you!" Nothing. After Rosh Hashanah services were concluded, Meyer found that he owed his Shulbuddies and the Rabbi over four thousand dollars. He marched home, pissed off,saying nothing. Finally several blocks from the temple the bird began to sing an old Yiddish song and was happy as a lark. Meyer stopped and looked at him. "You miserable bird, you cost me over four thousand dollars. Why? After I made your tfillin and taught you the morning prayers, and taught you to read Hebrew and the Torah. And after you begged me to bring you to Shul on Rosh Hashona, why? Why did you do this to me?" "Don't be a schmuck," the parrot replied. "Think of the odds on Yom Kippur!"