More trouble brewing:
David Burge, the IowaHawk
Qskldmjf, Wihizdsnvma - As fierce street fighting continued yesterday in Qskldmjf, provisional capital of war-torn city of Kldsnvma, top officials of the U.S. State Department and Defense Department considered military options including air strikes and armed occupation. The American response will be “swift and decisive,” according to Defense spokesman Col. Gerald Huismann, and will commence “as soon as we figure out who the bad guys are.”
Also under consideration are group therapy sessions “to help Kldsnvmans deal with and get past their aggression issues,” according to General Sybil Wheatley, Director of the Army's MACV-7 Rapid Psychotherapy Response Forces, better known as the “Lavender Berets.”
War-ravaged Kldsnvma first plunged into intense civil unrest in 1996, when it declared independence from Grtweklj, a former province of Ykjdsfni in the former Pqwnzxcerta.
Kldsnvman independence came as an insulting development to ethnic Grtwekljians in Kldsnvma, who practice the Azmcnplk religion which, unlike the Tinhjhdfv religion of the majority Kldsnvmans, forbids the sacrifice of goats on Thursdays.
Arms dealers with links to the military in the former Pqwnzxcerta secretly supplied heavy weaponry, including spears and tire irons, to Grtwekljian rebels in direct violation of UN conventions. The rebels argued that the arms shipments were a response to the illegal arming of Kldsnvma by Tinhjhdfvian Ykjdsfnis. This would constitute a violation of United Nations' Resolution 6703, or the “Double No-Touchback” Accords, passed in 1989.
According to eyewitness accounts, rebel Grtwekljian forces have made steady progress toward the Kldsnvma capital of Qskldmjf since August. Some CIA and NSA analysts discount these reports, since there are no visible features that distinguish Kldsnvmans and Grtwekljians, other than their hats.
“Kldsnvmans wear the traditional bright red ‘yeqfi,' while Grtwekljians wear sort of a maroon yeqfi,” explained Professor Arnold Graves, Director of the Center for Advanced Pqwnzxcertan Studies at Georgetown University. “Compounding this is the fact that neither the Kldsnvman nor the Grtwekljian language has a separate word for ‘maroon.'”
The reports of ethnic cleansing and atrocities may be simply due to a mistranslation of hat color, a Kldsnvman appeal to world sympathy, or maybe they're trying to outwit each other by switching hats.”
State Department spokesman Gene Raymond, an Azmcnplk expert, disagrees. “I have personally seen aerial photos of hundreds of destroyed oxcarts. This has all the earmarks of Kldsnvman, or quite possibly Grtwekljian, aggression. ”
Raymond concedes, however, that the oxcart destruction may be the result of the annual ‘Vhreoik' festival, in which both Grtwekljians and Kldsnvmans ritually destroy their own oxcarts.
The searing ethnic hatred between the Grtwekljians and Kldsnvmans is apparent in the views of Nwinfkai Cslnpx, 56, and Mqixzhrtpw Nmcvbu, 49, both Chicago area cab drivers.
“Grtwekljis! Stink stink! I spit on them! Ptooey!” says Cslnpx, former Prime Minister of Ykjdsfni before its collapse in 1996.
“Twenty-two dollar, O'Hare. You ride, okay?” adds Cslnpx.
Nmcvbu, former President of Pqwnzxcerta, disagrees. “I go kill Kldsnvma! Right after White Sox game!”
The alleged existence of possible reports of stepped-up fighting in former Ykjdsfni moved President Clinton last week announce increased sanctions against ethnic Ykjdsfnis in Pqwnzxcerta, until Secretary of State Madeline Albright remembered that the nation of Pqwnzxcerta no longer exists.
The realization moved the President to lobby Congress for pinpoint American carpet bombing of ethnic Ykjdsfni, Grtwekljian and Kldsnvman strongholds. The bombing would be supported by over $6 Billion in American non-military aid to anti-Ykjdsfni, anti-Grtwekljian and anti-Kldsnvman forces.
Mr. Clinton also moved to have a gradually increasing American military occupation force and ‘rap-sessions' to help work out differences between the parties, who, according to cave paintings, have been systematically killing each other since 28,000 B.C.
In his Saturday radio address, Mr. Clinton defended his efforts. “This is the single most important challenge we face as a nation, far more important than anything you see discussed on political panel shows on TV. It is so crucial that we must have undivided, uninterrupted, unimpeached leadership or millions of Americans might die.”
“Our American fighting forces will be under the leadership of Kofi Anand, UN Secretary General and a recognized military genius,” said the President. “Our occupation force will be stepped up gradually, to make sure that a whole bunch of them won't be killed all at once.”
“Finally, our unparalleled Lavender Berets will be there to make sure the Grtwekljians and Kldsnvmans know that loving each other is a valid emotion,” said a forthright Commander-In-Chief.
“We have learned the lessons of Viet Nam,” he concluded. “I pledge to you, today, that I will not send into battle a single soldier with future political viability.”
Copyright (c) 1998, David Burge
Email IowaHawk_98@yahoo.com
From "Boy, 10: The Curious Case of Jason Hartz and Other Stories," available at www.upublish.com/books/burge.htm
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