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Pastimes : Don't Ask Rambi -- Ignore unavailable to you. Want to Upgrade?

To: Rambi who wrote (20043)	3/23/1999 10:09:00 PM
From: Jacques Chitte	Respond to of 71178

I rather doubt the Gut Girls will show up wearing thongs.

To: Rambi who wrote (20043)	3/23/1999 11:10:00 PM
From: JF Quinnelly	Read Replies (1) \| Respond to of 71178

Q. Airline fares are very confusing. How, exactly, does the airline determine the price of my ticket? A. Many cost factors are involved in flying an airplane from Point A to Point B, including distance, passenger load, whether each pilot will get his own pilot hat or they're going to share, and whether Point B has a runway. Q. So the airlines use these cost factors to calculate a rational price for my ticket? A. No. That is determined by Rudy the Fare Chicken, who decides the price of each ticket individually by pecking on a computer keyboard sprinkled with corn. If an airline agent tells you that they're having "computer problems," this means that Rudy is sick, and technicians are trying to activate the backup system, Conrad the Fare Hamster. Q. When should I arrive at the airport? A. You should arrive two hours before your scheduled departure time, so that you will be among the first to know that your flight has been delayed due to mechanical problems. Q. What do they mean by "mechanical problems"? A. They mean that the pilot cannot find his magic feather. Q. What precautions will be taken to insure that there is no terrorist bomb aboard my aircraft? A. The airline agent will ask you a series of security questions shrewdly designed to outwit terrorism, such as: "Did any terrorist unknown to you give you a bomb to carry on board this plane?" Also, if you have a laptop computer, they may ask you to turn it on, thus proving that it is not a terrorist bomb. Q. But couldn't a terrorist easily put a bomb in a computer in such a way that the computer could still be turned on? A. Shut up. Q. What happens to my carryon baggage when it goes through the X-ray machine? A. There is a man named Karl crouching inside there who paws rapidly through your belongings. Q. Looking for terrorist bombs? A. No. Soiled underwear. Q. How much carryon baggage am I allowed to take? A. In the past, passengers had to be able to physically lift the luggage to carry it on to the plane. But that restriction has been eliminated, thanks to the discovery, by the luggage industry, of wheels. Today, passengers routinely board airplanes towing suitcases the size of sleeper sofas. On a recent TWA flight from St. Louis to Atlanta, a passenger boarded with a Volkswagen Jetta, which he was able to get into the overhead storage bin after just seven hours of shoving. Q. What is that thumping noise you sometimes hear after takeoff? A. That is Vomax, Hell Demon of the Cargo Hold. It is nothing to worry about. Q. Why do they make you bring your seat back to the full upright and locked position? A. Because they do not like you.