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Pastimes : Jokes -- Ignore unavailable to you. Want to Upgrade?

To: richard surckla who wrote (1834)	3/26/1999 10:31:00 AM
From: Barney	Respond to of 2733

For my birthday this year my wife purchased a week of personal training sessons for me at the local health club. Though still in great shape from when I was on the varsity chess team in high school, I decided it was a good idea to go ahead and try it. I called and made reservations with someone named Tanya, who said she is a 26-year-old aerobics instructor and athletic clothing model. My wife seemed very pleased with how enthusiastic I was to get started. They suggested I keep an "exercise diary" to chart my progress. Day 1: Started the morning at 6:00 AM. Tough to get up, but worth it when I arrived at the health club and Tanya was waiting for me. She's something of a goddess, with blond hair and a dazzling white smile. She showed me the machines and took my pulse after five minutes on the treadmill. She seemed a little alarmed that it was so high, but I think just standing next to her in that outfit of hers added about ten points. Enjoyed watching the aerobics class. Tanya was very encouraging as I did my sit ups, though my gut was already aching a little from holding it in the whole time I was talking to her. This is going to be GREAT. Day 2: Took a whole pot of coffee to get me out the door, but I made it. Tanya had me lie on my back and push this heavy iron bar up into the air. Then she put weights on it, for heaven's sake! Legs were a little wobbly on the treadmill, but I made it the full mile. Her smile made it all worth while. Muscles ALL feel GREAT. Day 3: The only way I can brush my teeth is by laying the tooth brush on the counter and moving my mouth back and forth over it. I am certain that I have developed a hernia in both pectorals. Driving was OK as long as I didn't try to steer. I parked on top of a Volkswagen. Tanya was a little impatient with me and said my screaming was bothering the other club members. The treadmill hurt my chest so I did the stair monster. Why would anyone invent a machine to simulate an activity rendered obsolete by the invention of elevators? Tanya told me regular exercise would make me live longer. I can't imagine anything worse. Day 4: Tanya was waiting for me with her vampire teeth in a full snarl. I can't help it if I was half an hour late, it took me that long just to tie my shoes. She wanted me to lift dumbbells. Not a chance, Tanya. The word "dumb" must be in there for a reason. I hid in the men's room until she sent Lars looking for me. As punishment she made me try the rowing machine. It sank. Day 5: I hate Tanya more than any human being has ever hated any other human being in the history of the world. If there was any part of my body not in extreme pain I would hit her with it. She thought it would be a good idea to work on my triceps. Well I have news for you Tanya - I don't have triceps. And if you don't want dents in the floor don't hand me any barbells. I refuse to accept responsibility for the damage, YOU went to sadist school, YOU are to blame. The treadmill flung me back into a science teacher, which hurt like crazy. Why couldn't it have been someone softer, like a music teacher, or social studies? Day 6: Got Tanya's message on my answering machine, wondering where I am. I lacked the strength to use the TV remote so I watched eleven straight hours of the weather channel. Day 7: Well, that's the week. Thank goodness that's over. Maybe next time my wife will give me something a little more fun, like a gift certificate for a root canal.

To: richard surckla who wrote (1834)	3/26/1999 10:48:00 AM
From: Barney	Respond to of 2733

Q)What is the difference between a Secretary and a Personal Secretary? A)The Secretary says,"Good Morning,Sir" and the Personal Secretary says,"Its Morning,Sir".

To: richard surckla who wrote (1834)	3/26/1999 11:58:00 PM
From: Barney	Read Replies (2) \| Respond to of 2733

One day St. Peter was sitting at the steps of the gates to heaven, fiddiling with his fingers, then suddenly he hears "excuse me sir, i recollect your supposed to let me in heaven." St. Peter looks up and he sees Forrest Gump. So he stands up tall and starts by saying, "in order for me to let you in, i must ask you 3 questions." Forrest says, okay hit me." St. Peter asks," How many seconds are in a year?" It takes Forrest some time to answer and then he comes up with,"Okay, im ready now." St. Peter says well give me your answer." Forrest says,"there are 12 seconds in a year." St. Peter asks,"Well how did you come up with that answer?" Forrest replies,"Well sir, see i took my time on this one and i thought about it over and over in my head and i thought, hey, Jan. 2, feb. 2, mar. 2..." St. Peter says, "Well that answers pretty good so i'll give you the next one. How many days of the week start with the letter 'T'?" Forrest replies, "Hhuumm....okay sir my answer is today and tomorrow" Well St. Peter doesn't want to know were that answer came from so he lets it swing by. St. Peter asks the third question, "Whats God's first name?" Forrest was thinking on this one really hard, so he asks "Can I go back to earth and think about this one?" St. Peter says okay you got 2 days." so Forrest went to earth and then came back 2 days later and he came back running and screaming, " I got it, I got it," all out of breath he says to St. Peter, " It's Howard." St. Peter looks puzzled and asks, "How did you get that?" Forrest says, " I found it in the Bible, it read: Our father, who art in heaven, HOWARD be thy name."

To: richard surckla who wrote (1834)	3/27/1999 12:01:00 AM
From: Barney	Respond to of 2733

Back in the 1970's, a set of triplets was born.....Tic, Tac, and Toe. They suffered from a rare medical disorder...a hiccupping disease. Tic and Tac had a mild case but Toe's was quite severe. Unfortunately, the disease was incurable. The three were as different as night and day and in-between. Tic always dreamed of being a well-known race car driver, Tac wanted to become a great football player and Toe wanted to be a famous rock and roll musician. One day, while exploring a cave, they heard a cry for help. Following the sound, they came upon a bat whose wing was snagged between 2 rocks. The three brothers carefully released the bat. Then, the bat spoke (for it was a magical bat), "Thank. you for your kindness. Ask of me, one wish each, and I shall grant it." Tic (the aspiring car racer), "I wish to be a well-known..."hic"...car driver." And POOF !!...he became Mario Andretti. Tac (the want to be football player), "I wish to be a great..."hic"...football player." And POOF !!...he became Joe Montana. Toe (the one who wished to be a famous rock and roll musician), "I wish to ..."hic"..be a .."hic"...famous rock..."hic"..."hic"..."hic". And POOF!!...he became the Rock of Gibraltar.

To: richard surckla who wrote (1834)	3/27/1999 12:02:00 AM
From: Barney	Respond to of 2733

A guy walked into a mirror store to buy himself a mirror. The clerk came up to him and asked him "can I help you?" The guy answered "yes, I'd like to buy a mirror for my apartament" so the cerk suggested a couple of mirrors to the guy but he just took a glance in the mirror and always replied "no". The clerk asked "is there any special type you are looking for?" the guy again ansewred "no" and the clerk went back to showing him different types of mirrors. But after a while of the same routine where the guy would look into the mirror and answer no, the clerk got fed up with him and asked "is there a specific default in the mirror that you don't like?" to which the guy reluctantly aswered,"well,no, it's just that they all make me look so ugly."

To: richard surckla who wrote (1834)	3/27/1999 12:08:00 AM
From: Barney	Respond to of 2733

A scientist was doing an experiment with frogs. He took a frog and placed it on a long flat surface. He then flicked at the frog and said jump. The frog jumped. The scientist wrote in a journal frog 4 legs, jump 12 in. He then proceeded to cut off one leg. Once again he flicked at the frog and said jump. The frog jumped. he wrote in his journal, frog 3 legs jump 9 in. Again, He cut off a leg, then told the frog to jump. The frog jumped. He wrote in his journal, frog 2 legs jump 6 in. The scientist cut off another leg. Then proceeded to tell the frog to jump. The frog jumped. He wrote in his journal, frog 1 leg jump 3 in. He cut off the last leg and told the frog to jump. Jump, Jump said the scientist. He then wrote in his journal frog no legs, deaf!

To: richard surckla who wrote (1834)	3/27/1999 12:10:00 AM
From: Barney	Respond to of 2733

There was this guy who had never met his girlfriends parents, so his girlfriend then set a date for him to come over and have a nice dinner party so he could meet her parents. He agreed, never told her that he had a gas problem. Well, it was that night and he totally felt like crap. His stomach hurt and he was full of gas. They were all sitting at the table and all of a sudden he let out a little fart. "Spot", yelled her mother. Oh, wasn't this guy relieved that they thought it was their family dog. Well, he had to fart again, so he did. A big loud one this time. "Spot", she yelled again. The man thought, well since they are going to blame it on the dog I will just let out one more. Slightly bigger then the last two. So he did and her mother said "Spot, this is the last time I am going to holler at you. You get your butt over here right now before he craps on you"

To: richard surckla who wrote (1834)	3/27/1999 12:13:00 AM
From: Barney	Respond to of 2733

As we all know, April 1st is that day we traditionally play practical jokes on each other. But, as we also know, when noon comes, the jokes end. Last April 1st, in a small local town, Josh and Big Hoss (the 2 rookie policemen) were patrolling the downtown business area. They decided to stop into the local coffee shop for a coffee and a donut. The time was 11:55 AM. Three minutes later, they got a call on their police radio, "33 in process, man in bank dressed as a banana." Well there was only 1 bank in town, in fact, it was just across from the coffee shop. And a 33 was an "armed robbery" but it was also just 11:58 AM and Josh and Big Hoss decided it was the dispatcher playing a joke on them. So they continued on enjoying their coffee break. At 12:01 PM, they got a second call on their radio, "Repeat, Urgent, 33 in process, man in bank dressed as a banana." Realizing it was past noon, they rushed across the street, but arrived 30 seconds after the banana split.