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Pastimes : Jokes -- Ignore unavailable to you. Want to Upgrade?

To: Hart who wrote (1863)	3/28/1999 3:58:00 AM
From: Barney	Respond to of 2733

<< > Company Memorandum: > >It has been brought to management's attention that some employees >throughout the company have been using foul language during the >course of normal conversation with their co-workers and managers. >Due to the numerous complaints received from some employees >who may be easily offended, this type of language will no longer >be tolerated. We do however realize the critical importance of >being able to accurately express your feelings when communicating with >co-workers, therefore, a list of preferred new phrases has been >provided so that proper exchange of ideas and information can continue in >an effective manner without risk of offending our more sensitive >employees. > >New: Perhaps I can work late. >Old: When the fk do you expect me to do this? > >New: I'm certain that is not feasible. >Old: No fking way. > >New: Really? >Old: You've got to be shitting me. > >New: Perhaps you should check with ... >Old: Tell someone who gives a shit. > >New: Of course I'm concerned. >Old: Ask me if I give a shit. > >New: I wasn't involved in that project. >Old: Its not my fking problem. > >New: That's interesting behavior. >Old: What the fk? > >New: I'm not sure I can implement this. >Old: Fk it, it won't work. > >New: I'll try to schedule that. >Old: Why the hell didn't you tell me sooner? > >New: Are you sure this is a problem? >Old: Who the fk cares? > >New: He's not familiar with the problem. >Old: He's got his head up his ass. > >New: Excuse me sir? >Old: Eat shit and die motherfker. > >New: So you weren't happy with it? >Old: Kiss my ass. > >New: I'm a bit overloaded at this moment. >Old: Fk it, I'm on salary. > >New: I don't think you understand. >Old: Shove it up your ass. > >New: I love a challenge. >Old: This job sucks. > >New: You want me to take care of that? >Old: Who the hell died and made you boss? > >New: I see. >Old: Blow me. > >New: Yes, we really should discuss it. >Old: Another fking meeting. > >New: I don't think this will be a problem. >Old: I really don't give a shit. > >New: He's somewhat insensitive. >Old: He's a fking prick. > >New: She's an aggressive go getter. >Old: She's a ball busting bitch. > >New: I think you could use more training. >Old: You don't know what the f**k you're doing. >>

To: Hart who wrote (1863)	3/28/1999 4:00:00 AM
From: Barney	Respond to of 2733

<< >Four Catholic ladies are having coffee together. > >The first one tells her friends, "My son is a priest. When he walks into >a room, everyone calls him 'Father'. > >The second Catholic woman chirps, "My son is a bishop.Whenever he walks >into a room, people say, 'Your Grace'." > >The third Catholic woman says smugly, "My son is a cardinal. Whenever he >walks into a room, people say, 'Your Eminence'." > >The fourth Catholic woman sips her coffee in silence. The first three >women give her a subtle "Well...?" > >She replies, "My son is a gorgeous, 6' 2", hard-bodied stripper. When he >walks into a room, people say, 'Oh my God...'. > >>

To: Hart who wrote (1863)	3/28/1999 4:01:00 AM
From: Barney	Respond to of 2733

<< Dave works hard at the plant and spends most evenings >>bowling or playing basketball at the gym. His wife >>thinks he is pushing himself too hard, so for his >>birthday she takes him to a local strip club. >> >>The doorman at the club greets them and says, "Hey, Dave, how ya doin?" >> >>His wife is puzzled and asks if he's been to this club >>before. "Oh no," says Dave. "He's on my bowling team." >> >>When they are seated, a waitress asks Dave if he'd like >>his usual Budweiser. His wife is becoming uncomfortable >>and says, "You must come here a lot for that woman to know you drink >>Budweiser". >> >>"No, honey, she's in the Ladies Bowling League. We share lanes with >>them." >> >>A stripper comes over to their table and throws her >>arms around Dave. "Hi Davey," she says, "Want your usual table dance?" >> >>Dave's wife, now furious, grabs her purse and storms >>out of the club. Dave follows and spots her getting >>into a cab. Before she can slam the door, he jumps in >>beside her and she starts screaming at him. The cabby >>turns his head and says, "Looks like you picked up areal bitch tonight, >>Dave." >>

To: Hart who wrote (1863)	3/28/1999 4:04:00 AM
From: Barney	Read Replies (1) \| Respond to of 2733

<< 30 Ways to Have an Extra-Specially Fun Time At WalMart! >PLUS A GREAT WAY TO BEAT THE JANUARY BLAHS! > >1. Take shopping carts for the express purpose of filling them and stranding >them >at strategic locations. > >2. Get boxes of condoms and randomly put them in peoples carts when they don't >realize it. > >3. Set all the alarm clocks to go off at ten minute intervals throughout the >day. > >4.Run up to an employee (preferably a male) while squeezing your legs together >and practically yell at him " I need some tampons. > >5. Try on bras over top of your clothes. > >6. Make a trail of orange juice on the ground, leading to the restrooms. > >7. While walking around the store, sing in your loudest voice possible "I >smell sex > and candy" > >8. Walk up to an employee and tell him in an official tone, "I think we've >got a >Code 3 in housewares," and see what happens. > >9. Tune all the radios to a polka station; then turn them all off and turn >the volumes to "10." > >10.Challenge other customers to duels with tubes of gift wrap. > >11. Re-dress the mannequins as you see fit. > >12. Test the fishing rods and see what you can "catch" from the other aisles. > >13. Put M&M's on layaway. > >14. Move "Caution: Wet Floor" signs to carpeted areas. > >15. Set up a tent in the camping department; tell others you'll only invite >them in if they bring pillows from Bed and Bath > >16. Contaminate the entire auto department by sampling all the spray air >fresheners. > >17. Nonchalantly "test" the brushes and combs in Cosmetics. > >18. When someone asks if you need help, begin to cry and ask, "Why won't you >people just leave me alone?" > >19. Look right into the security camera, and use it as a mirror while you >pick your nose. > >20. Take up an entire aisle in Toys by setting up a full scale battlefield >with G.I. Joes vs. the X-Men. > >21. Ask other customers if they have any Grey Poupon. > >22. While handling guns in the hunting department, suddenly ask the clerk >if he knows where the anti-depressants are. > >23. Switch the men's and women's signs on the doors of the >restrooms. > >24. Dart around suspiciously while humming the theme from >"Mission:Impossible." > >25. Set up a "Valet Parking" sign in front of the store. > >26. In the auto department, practice your "Madonna" look with various >funnels. > >27. Hide in the clothing racks and when people browse through, say things >like "pick me !! pick me!!" and scare them into believing that the clothes >are talking to them. > >28. When an announcement comes over the loudspeaker, assume the fetal position >and scream, "No, no! It's those voices again!" > >29. Go to an empty checkout stand and try to check people out. > >30. Drag a lounge chair on display over to the magazines and relax. > >If the store has a food court, buy a soft drink; explain that you don't get >out much,and ask if they can put a little umbrella in it. >>