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Pastimes : Jokes -- Ignore unavailable to you. Want to Upgrade?

To: Gordon Quickstad who wrote (1869)	3/28/1999 11:39:00 PM
From: Barney	Read Replies (1) \| Respond to of 2733

A nun dies and goes to heaven. St. Peter says to her, "I'm sure you've lead a virtuous life, Sister, but before I can let you into heaven, you must answer one question. "What," asks St. Peter, "were Eve's first words when she saw Adam?" "Boy," says the nun, "that's a hard one." "That's right!" says St. Peter, and the pearly gates open wide.

To: Gordon Quickstad who wrote (1869)	3/28/1999 11:42:00 PM
From: Barney	Respond to of 2733

Redneck Computer Glossary "Hard drive" -- Trying to climb a steep, muddy hill with 3 flat tires and pulling a trailer load of fertilizer. "Keyboard" ---- Place to hang your truck keys. "Window" ------ Place in the truck to hang your guns. "Floppy" ------ When you run out of Polygrip. "Modem" ------- How you got rid of your dandelions. "ROM" --------- Delicious when you mix it with coca cola. "Byte" -------- First word in a kiss-off phrase. "Reboot" ------ What you do when the first pair gets covered with barnyard stuff. "Network" ----- Activity meant to provide bait for your trout line. "Mouse" ------- Fuzzy, soft thing you stuff in your beer bottle in order to get a free case. "LAN" -------- To borrow as in, "Hey Delbert! LAN me yore truck." "Cursor" ------ What some guys do when they are mad at their wife and/or girlfriend. "bit" --------- A wager as in, "I bit you can't spit that watermelon seed across the porch long ways." "digital control" -- What yore fingers do on the TV remote. "packet" ------ What you do to a suitcase or Wal-Mart bag before a trip.

To: Gordon Quickstad who wrote (1869)	3/28/1999 11:43:00 PM
From: Barney	Respond to of 2733

IN THE NEWS GATORS TO FACE SEMINOLES WITH PETERS OUT The Tallahassee Bugle MESSIAH CLIMAXES IN CHORUS OF HALLELUJAHS The Anchorage Alaska Times GOVERNOR'S PENIS BUSY [should be "Pen Is"] The New Haven Connecticut Register THANKS TO PRESIDENT CLINTON, STAFF SGT. FRUER NOW HAS A SON The Arkansas Plainsman CLINTON PLACES DICKEY IN GORE'S HANDS Bangor Maine News STARR AGHAST AT FIRST LADY SEX POSITION The Washington Times CLINTON STIFF ON WITHDRAWAL The Bosnia Bugle LONG ISLAND STIFFENS FOR LILI'S BLOW Newsday ORGAN FESTIVAL ENDS IN SMASHING CLIMAX San Antonio Rose PETROLEUM JELLY KEEPS IDLE TOOLS RUST-FREE Chicago Daily News TEXTRON INC. MAKES OFFER TO SCREW COMPANY STOCKHOLDERS The Miami Herald MARRIED PRIESTS IN CATHOLIC CHURCH A LONG TIME COMING The New Haven Connecticut Register GOVERNOR CHILES OFFERS RARE OPPORTUNITY TO GOOSE HUNTERS The Tallahassee Democrat WOULD SHE CLIMB TO THE TOP OF MR. EVEREST AGAIN? ABSOLUTELY! The Houston Chronicle

To: Gordon Quickstad who wrote (1869)	3/28/1999 11:44:00 PM
From: Barney	Respond to of 2733

What Women Should Know About Men 1. If you think the way to a man's heart is through his stomach you're aiming to high. 2. Women don't make fools of men -- most of them are the do-it-yourself types. 3. The best reason to divorce a man is a health reason: you've got sick of him. 4. Never trust a man who says he's the boss at home. He probaly lies about other things too. 5. A woman's work that is never done, is the stuff she asked her husband to do. 6. If you want a nice man go for a bald one -- they try harder. 7. Go for younger men. You might as well -- they never mature anyway. 8. There are only two four letter words that are offensive to men -- "don't" and "stop" (but not used together). 9. Men are all the same -- they just have different faces so you can tell them apart. 10. Definition of a man with manners -- he gets out of the bath to pee. 11. Whenever you meet a man who would make a good husband, you will usually find that he is. 12. Scientists have just discovered something that can do the work of five men -- a women. 13. There are a lot of words you can use to describe men -- strong, caring, loving -- they'd be wrong but you could still use them! 14. Men are like animals -- messy, insensitive and potentially violent -- but they make great pets! 15. Mens brains are like the prison system -- not enough cells per man. 16. Husbands are like children -- they're fine if they're someone else's.

To: Gordon Quickstad who wrote (1869)	3/28/1999 11:45:00 PM
From: Barney	Respond to of 2733

Sex Lives The minister was passing a group of young teens sitting on the Church lawn and stopped to ask what they were doing. "Nothing much Pastor." replied the one lad. "We just seeing who can tell the biggest lie about their sex life." "Boys ! Boys ! Boys !" he intoned. "I'm shocked. Why when I was your age, I never even thought about sex at all." They all replied, pretty much in unison, "You win Pastor!"

To: Gordon Quickstad who wrote (1869)	3/28/1999 11:47:00 PM
From: Barney	Respond to of 2733

Top Five Reasons Why Computers Must Be Female 5. No one but their creator understands their internal logic. 4. Even your smallest mistakes are immediately committed to memory for future reference. 3. The native language used to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else. 2. The message, "Bad command or filename" , is about as informative as "If you don't know why I'm mad at you, then I'm certainly not going to tell you." 1. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it.

To: Gordon Quickstad who wrote (1869)	3/28/1999 11:52:00 PM
From: Barney	Read Replies (1) \| Respond to of 2733

Pick up lines You must be a daisy, because I have the incredible urge to plant you right here If you were a new hamburger at Mc Donalds..They'd call you McGorgeous Just call me milk cause I'll do your body good Your body's name must be Visa, cause it's everywhere I want to be. Can I buy you a drink or do you just want the money? I may not be Fred Flinstone, but I bet I can make your bed rock. I'd like to screw your brains out....But apparently someone beat me to it. What kind of clothes do you have on, Windex? Because i can see myself in your pants. You may not be impressed with me right now but you notice I'm the only one talking to you. Excuse me I'm a bird watcher and I'm looking for a big breasted bed thrasher, have you seen one? You want to play house? You be the screen door and all slam you all night long. If you're going to regret this in the morning we can sleep until the afternoon. Oh exuse me I thought that was a braille name tag. Excuse me do you want to fuck or should I appologize? You may not be the best looking girl here, but beauty is only a light switch away. Hi, I'm a necropheliac, so how good are you at playing dead? You must be Jamaican, cause you're Jamaican me crazy. So what time do I wake you up in the morning? I brought you this rose so the rose would know what real beauty is. If you were blue and I was yellow, my favorite color would be green. Was you dad a theif? No. Then who stole the stars from the sky and put them in your eyes? If you don't kiss me now I'm going to throw up. Baby do you know cpr? because everytime I see you my heart stops. You are as beautiful as the venus de milo...except for the arms. Are those erasers in your bra or are you just happy to see me? I didn't know angels flew so low If I had the power to creat the perfect woman, I'd leave you just the way you are. You know I'd tell you anything to get you here. Did you spill your drink on me or did i wet myself? Hi, my name is Mr Leonard, are those real? I could poke your eye out from here. Excuse me, I was just admiring your lung capacity. I'm looking for a lovely successful business woman whose hobby is housework. I'd marry you tomorrow if we could have the honeymoon tonight Hello...the name is Mr leonard...and I'm extremly rich. If that doesn't work I try this...hey baby I'm a missionary and I'm looking for a position.