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Pastimes : Jokes -- Ignore unavailable to you. Want to Upgrade?

To: John Messbauer who wrote (1925)	4/6/1999 2:19:00 PM
From: Barney	Respond to of 2733

Food Spoilage Test FINALLY, a way to know what to pitch and what to save! THE GAG TEST Anything that makes you gag is spoiled (except for leftovers from what you cooked for yourself last night). EGGS When something starts pecking its way out of the shell, the egg is probably past its prime. DAIRY PRODUCTS Milk is spoiled when it starts to look like yogurt. Yogurt is spoiled when it starts to look like cottage cheese. Cottage cheese is spoiled when it starts to look like regular cheese. Regular cheese is nothing but spoiled milk anyway and can't get any more spoiled than it is already. Cheddar cheese is spoiled when you think it is blue cheese but you realize you've never purchased that kind. MAYONNAISE If it makes you violently ill after you eat it, the mayonnaise is spoiled. FROZEN FOODS Frozen foods that have become an integral part of the defrosting problem in your freezer compartment will probably be spoiled - (or wrecked anyway) by the time you pry them out with a kitchen knife. EXPIRATION DATES This is NOT a marketing ploy to encourage you to throw away perfectly good food so that you'll spend more on groceries. Perhaps you'd benefit by having a calender in your kitchen. MEAT If opening the refrigerator door causes stray animals from a three block radius to congregate outside your house, the meat is spoiled. BREAD Sesame seeds and Poppy seeds are the only officially acceptable "spots" that should be seen on the surface of any loaf of bread. Fuzzy and hairy looking white or green growth areas are a good indication that your bread has turned into a pharmaceutical laboratory experiment. FLOUR Flour is spoiled when it wiggles. SALT It never spoils. CEREAL It is generally a good rule of thumb that cereal should be discarded when it is two years or longer beyond the expiration date. LETTUCE Bibb lettuce is spoiled when you can't get it off the bottom of the vegetable crisper without Comet. Romaine lettuce is spoiled when it turns liquid. CANNED GOODS Any canned goods that have become the size or shape of a softball should be disposed of. Carefully. CARROTS A carrot that you can tie a clove hitch in is not fresh. RAISINS Raisins should not be harder than your teeth. POTATOES Fresh potatoes do not have roots, branches, or dense, leafy undergrowth. CHIP DIP If you can take it out of its container and bounce it on the floor, it has gone bad. EMPTY CONTAINERS Putting empty containers back into the refrigerator is an old trick, but it only works if you live with someone or have a maid. UNMARKED ITEMS: You know it is well beyond prime when you're tempted to discard the Tupperware along with the food. Generally speaking, Tupperware containers should not burp when you open them. GENERAL RULE OF THUMB: Most food cannot be kept longer than the average life span of a hamster. Keep a hamster in or nearby your refrigerator to gauge this.

To: John Messbauer who wrote (1925)	4/6/1999 2:33:00 PM
From: Barney	Respond to of 2733

History Quiz 1. Which president smoked marijuana with a nude woman while he joked about being too wasted to "push the button" in case of nuclear attack? 2. Which president allegedly had affairs with both a winner AND a finalist in the Miss America pageant? 3. Which president made love to one of his secretaries stretched out atop a desk in the oval office? 4. Which president allegedly had an affair (as well as children) with a black woman who was his white wife's half sister? 5. Which president called his mistress "Pookie"? 6. Which president married a woman who hadn't yet divorced her first husband -- and was branded an "adulterer" during his re-election campaign? 7. Which future president wrote love letters to his neighbor's wife while he was engaged to someone else? 8. Which president had a torrid affair with the first lady's personal secretary? 9. Which president made love to a young woman in a White House coat closet at one point, while a secret service agent prevented the hysterical first lady from attacking them? 10. Which president made love in a closet while telling his lover about the other president who made love in a closet (the one in Question 9)? 11. Which vice-president was pissed off because he felt that HIS record of sexual conquests was more impressive than the president's? HINT: NOT Al Gore! 12. Which future president, while a college student, loved showing off his manhood (which he named "Jumbo")? BONUS QUESTION: Before he became president, what was John F. Kennedy's nickname in Palm Beach? a. Jack Rabbit b. Jumper Jack c. Mattress Jack Answers to follow . . . . . .

To: John Messbauer who wrote (1925)	4/6/1999 2:35:00 PM
From: Barney	Respond to of 2733

Answers to history quiz . . . . ANSWERS: 1. John F. Kennedy 2. Bill Clinton 3. Lyndon B. Johnson 4. Thomas Jefferson 5. Bill Clinton 6. Andrew Jackson 7. George Washington 8. Franklin D. Roosevelt 9. Warren G. Harding 10. John F. Kennedy 11. Lyndon B. Johnson 12. Lyndon B. Johnson BONUS QUESTION: c. Hey, this could keep the Starr family employed for generations!

To: John Messbauer who wrote (1925)	4/6/1999 2:40:00 PM
From: Barney	Respond to of 2733

THE WISDOM OF THE AGES The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and a leaky tire. People who live in glass houses shouldn't cavort nude on top of the piano doing gorilla impersonations. A rose by any other name would stick you just as bad and draw just as much blood when you grab a thorn. It takes fewer muscles to smile than to frown, and fewer still to ignore someone completely. The best laid plans of mice and men are worth just as much. I believe no problem is so large or so difficult that it can't be blamed on somebody else. I believe for every drop of rain that falls, a flower grows. And a foundation leaks and a ball game gets rained out and a car rusts and... Follow your dream! Unless it's the one where you're at work in your underwear during a fire drill. Always take time to stop and smell the roses... and sooner or later, you'll inhale a bee. Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me, either, just leave me alone. If you don't like my driving, don't call anyone. Just take another road. That's why the highway department made so many of them. If a motorist cuts you off, just turn the other cheek. Nothing gets the message across like a good mooning. It's always darkest before dawn. So if you're going to steal the neighbor's newspaper, that's the time to do it. A handy telephone tip: Keep a small chalkboard near the phone. That way, when a salesman calls, you can hold the receiver up to it and run your fingernails across it until he hangs up. Each day I try to enjoy something from each of the four food groups: the bonbon group, the salty-snack group, the caffeine group, and the "whatever-the-thing-in-the-tinfoil-in-the-back-of-the-fridge-is" group. Into every life some rain must fall. Usually when your car windows are down. How much of a tip to leave in a restaurant is always a controversial question. I usually recommend half a crouton, or for special service, throw in that little sprig of parsley. If genius is one percent inspiration and 99 percent perspiration, I wind up sharing elevators with a lot of bright people. Men are like small children. You bring a new one home and the ones already there resent it. This morning I woke up to the unmistakable scent of pigs in a blanket. That's the price you pay for letting the relatives stay over. They say you can't really know someone until you walk a mile in their shoes. I say if they've got itsy-bitsy feet or some kind of foot disease, I don't wanna know 'em! A man's best friend is his dog. That's assuming you want a friend who messes on your carpet and drools on your newspaper. If I won the lottery, I wouldn't be one of those people who immediately quit their jobs. I'd make my boss's life a living hell for a week or two first. Winning isn't everything. Winning and gloating and rubbing their noses in it... that's everything! I don't know about art, but I know what makes me say, "$2000 for that piece of junk?! Are you nuts?!" Somewhere, over the rainbow...that's where the airline will find my luggage. It's a small world. So you gotta use your elbows a lot. Keep your nose to the grindstone and your shoulder to the wheel... it's cheaper than plastic surgery. This land is your land. This land is my land. So stay on your land. Love is like a roller coaster: when it's good you don't want to get off, and when it isn't... you can't wait to throw up.

To: John Messbauer who wrote (1925)	4/6/1999 2:44:00 PM
From: Barney	Read Replies (1) \| Respond to of 2733

Billy Joe and Mary Sue, newly joined in holy matrimony, are spending their wedding night at the Motel 6 Honeymoon Suite in Parthenon, Arkansas. They've abstained from the dirty deed until this very night. Just as Billy Joe is about to make love to his new wife for the first time, she stops him. "Wait, Billy Joe. I just thought you should know... this ain't just our first time... this here is my first time ever. I'm a virgin. I been savin' myself just for you." "Whut you say, Mary Sue?" "I said, I'm a virgin. One hunnert percent cherry. Just for you on our weddin' night." "Yore a VIRGIN??" "That's right. Please be gentle." "Gentle? Gentle my ass. I'm outta here!" With that, Billy Joe pulls up his pants, hard-on and all, and leaves his virgin bride lying alone and naked. He slams the door, jumps in his pickup, and drives back home across the tracks. "Paw! Paw! Wake up! Yore not gonna believe this!" "Huh? Billy Joe, whut the hell you doin' here? It's 3am on yore weddin' night! Why the hell ain't you and that purty new wife of yours in a haystack somewhere f*ckin' like rabbits?" "Paw, I wuz all set to do just that, when Mary Sue up and tells me that she's a virgin!" "A VIRGIN?" "That's right, Paw. One hunnert percent cherry. As soon as she told me, I got the hell outta there as fast as I could!" "Well, son, lemme tell you, you did the right thing... Cuz if she ain't good enough fer her own fam'ly, she certainly ain't good enough for ours!"

To: John Messbauer who wrote (1925)	4/6/1999 2:47:00 PM
From: Barney	Respond to of 2733

"An Egyptian archeological team announced new findings. They say people who worked on the pyramids 45,000 years ago actually received medical care. Back then there wasn't a Republican Party to stop it." (Jay Leno)

To: John Messbauer who wrote (1925)	4/6/1999 2:52:00 PM
From: Barney	Respond to of 2733

PETER MARSHALL'S LIST OF FAVORITE ANSWERS FROM "HOLLYWOOD SQUARES" 1. According to Movie Life magazine, Ann-Margaret would like to start having babies soon, but her husband wants her to wait awhile. Why? PAUL LYNDE: He's out of town. 2. Dennis Weaver, Debbie Reynolds, and Shelley Winters star in the movie "What's The Matter With Helen?" Who plays Helen? CHARLEY WEAVER: Dennis Weaver-that's why they asked the question. 3. What are "dual-purpose cattle" good for that other cattle aren't? PAUL LYNDE: They give milk...and cookies, but I don't recommend the cookies. 4. Who stays pregnant for a longer period of time, your wife or your elephant? PAUL LYNDE: Who told you about my elephant? 5. James Stewart did it over twenty years ago when he was forty-one years old. Now he says it was "one of the best things I ever did. What was it? MARTY ALLEN: Rhonda Fleming. 6. Jackie Gleason recently revealed that he firmly believes in them and has actually seen them on at least two occasions. What are they? CHARLEY WEAVER: His feet. 7. Before a cow will give you any milk, she has to have something very important. What? PAUL LYNDE: An engagement ring. 8. According to Robert Mitchum, one thing has ruined more actors than drinking. What? CHARLEY WEAVER: Not drinking. 9. When the Lone Ranger finished with a case, he left something behind. What? PAUL LYNDE: A masked baby. 10. True or false: Some African Watusi tribesmen greet guests by running toward them at full speed, then high-jumping over them. CHARLEY WEAVER: This is sometimes terribly embarrassing to tall guests. 11. You're on your first visit to Japan, and you head right for the Kabuki. Why? PAUL LYNDE: It was a long plane ride. 12. If you're going to make a parachute jump, you should be at least how high? CHARLEY WEAVER: Three days of steady drinking should do it. 13. Do female frogs croak? PAUL LYNDE: If you hold their little heads under water. 14. You've been having trouble going to sleep. Are you probably a man or a woman? DON KNOTTS: That's what's been keeping me awake. 15. True or false: Many people sleep better in their street clothes than they do in their pajamas. PAUL LYNDE: Yes. We call them winos. 16. According to the World Book, is it okay to freeze your persimmons? PAUL LYNDE: No. You should dress warmly. 17. According to psychologists, when a child begins to get curious about sex, what is the one question he will most ask his mommy and daddy? PAUL LYNDE: Where can I get some?

To: John Messbauer who wrote (1925)	4/6/1999 3:06:00 PM
From: Barney	Respond to of 2733

Just a few stories from our nation's Emergency Rooms, to prove that fact is stranger than fiction. A 28-year old male was brought into the ER after an attempted suicide. The man had swallowed several nitroglycerin pills and a fifth of vodka. When asked about the bruises about his head and chest, he said that they were from ramming himself into the wall repeatedly, in an attempt to make the nitroglycerin explode. A 50-year old woman came into the ER with a complaint of mild abdominal pain. During a pelvic exam the doctor found that the lady had inserted a whole chicken, piece by piece, into her vagina. Unable to have children, she was hoping that the chicken would turn into a baby. A man in his mid-fifties did a Lorena Bobbitt on himself in a drunken rage and ended up in the ER. The urologist thought that he could reattach the man's penis, if it could be recovered and if it was in good condition. The police were dispatched to the man's house, and the search was on. During the search, one of the officers heard a choking sound coming from the man's poodle that was sitting in the corner. After a brief fight the officer was able to retrieve the man's jewels from the dog's mouth. After inspection of the parts by the urologist it was decided that the man would need to be taught to pee while sitting. The officer was given a commendation from his precinct for medical assistance. A woman with shortness of breath and who weighed approximately 500 pounds was dragged into the ER on a tarp by six firemen. As the lady was being undressed, an asthma inhaler fell out of one of the folds under her arm. After an X-ray showed a round mass on the left side of her chest, her massive left breast was lifted to find a shiny new dime. And last but not least, during a pelvic exam, a TV remote control was discovered in one of the folds of her crotch. She became known as "The Human Couch." A doctor who spoke limited Spanish was rushed to a car in the ER parking lot to find a Spanish woman in the process of giving birth. Wanting to tell the woman to push he started yelling "Puta! Puta! Puta!" At this the grandmother started to cry and the baby's father had to be restrained. What the doctor should have been saying was "Puja!" (Push!) Instead he was saying "Whore! Whore! Whore!" An unconscious 36-year old male was brought to the ER with cocaine induced seizures. As a nurse pulled back his foreskin to insert a catheter, a neatly folded $20 bill fell out of the foreskin fold. When the man woke up and demanded to leave, the nurse gave him back his belongings and told him where she had found the money. His response: "It was a fifty, bitch!" An elderly woman came into the ER complaining: "I got the green vines in my virginny." (Interesting.) A pelvic exam verifies that she did,indeed, have a six-inch vine growing out of her vagina. Further inspection revealed that she had a mass in her vaginal vault. It was easily removed and looked very much like a potato. It was, indeed, a potato. The patient said that her uterus was falling out and that she "put a potato in there to hold it up" and then forgot about it. The most non-urgent ER visit: A male adolescent came in at 2 a.m. with a complaint of belly button lint. A young female came to the ER with lower abdominal pain. During the exam and questioning the female denied being sexually active. The doctor gave her a pregnancy test anyway and it came back positive. The doctor went back to the young female's room. Doctor: "The results of your pregnancy test came back positive. Are you sure you're not sexually active?" Patient: "Sexually active? No, sir, I just lay there." Doctor: "I see. Well, do you know who the father is?" Patient: "No. Who?" A 92-year old woman had a full cardiac arrest at home and was rushed to the hospital. After about thirty minutes of unsuccessful resuscitation attempts, the old lady was pronounced dead. The doctor went to tell the lady's 78-year old daughter that her mother didn't make it. "Didn't make it? Where could they be? She left in the ambulance forty-five minutes ago!" A 15-year old boy was laying on a stretcher with his mother sitting next to him. The boy was coming down from "crank" (methamphetamine) that he had injected into his veins with needles he had been sharing with his friends. Concerned about this, the doctor asked the boy if there was anything he might have been doing that put him at risk for AIDS. The boy thought for a while, then said questioningly, "I've been screwing the dog?" A 19-year old female was asked why she was in the ER. She said that she and her boyfriend were having sex and the condom came off and she wasn't able to retrieve it with her fingers. "I went to the bathroom and gagged myself to vomit but couldn't vomit it up either."