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Pastimes : Jokes -- Ignore unavailable to you. Want to Upgrade?

To: John Messbauer who wrote (1926)	4/4/1999 12:42:00 PM
From: Monty Lenard	Read Replies (1) \| Respond to of 2733

34 different ways to annoy people 1. Leave the copy machine set to reduce 200%, extra dark, 17 inch paper, 99copies. 2. Sit in your yard pointing a hair dryer at passing cars to see if they slow down. 3. Specify that your drive-through order is "to go." 4. If you have a glass eye, tap on it with your pen while talking to others. 5. Sing along at the opera. 6. Insist on keeping your car windshield wipers running in all weather conditions "to keep them tuned up." 7. Reply to everything someone says with "that's what YOU think." 8. Practice making fax and modem noises. 9. Highlight irrelevant material in scientific papers and "cc." them to your boss. 10. Make beeping noises when a large person backs up. 11. Finish all your sentences with the words "in accordance with prophesy." 12. Signal that a conversation is over by clamping your hands over your ears. 13. Disassemble your pen and "accidentally" flip the cartridge across the room. 14. Holler random numbers while someone is counting. 15. Adjust the tint on your TV so that all the people are green, and insist to others that you "like it that way." (my TV is already like that). 16. Staple papers in the middle of the page. 17. Publicly investigate just how slowly you can make a croaking" noise. 18. Honk and wave to strangers. 19. Decline to be seated at a restaurant, and simply eat their complimentary mints by the cash register. 20. TYPE ONLY IN UPPERCASE. 21. type only in lowercase. 22. don t use any punctuation either 23. Buy a large quantity of orange traffic cones and reroute whole streets. 24. Repeat the following conversation a dozen times: "Do you hear that?", "What?" "Never mind, it's gone now." 25. As much as possible, skip rather than walk. 26. Try playing the William Tell Overture (The Lone Ranger Theme) by tapping on the bottom of your chin. When nearly done, announce, no, wait, I messed it up,"and repeat. 27. Ask people what gender they are. 28. While making presentations, occasionally bob your head like a parakeet. 29. In the memo field of all your checks, write "for sensual massage." 30. Stomp on little plastic ketchup packets. 31. Go to a poetry recital and ask why each poem doesn't rhyme. 32. Ask your co-workers mysterious questions and then scribble the answers in a notebook. Mutter something about "psychological profiles." 33. TELL YOUR FRIENDS 4 DAYS PRIOR, THAT YOU CAN'T ATTEND THEIR PARTY BECAUSE YOU'RE NOT IN THE MOOD! 34. Send this list to everyone in your email address book even if they sent it to you or ask you not to send things like this.

To: John Messbauer who wrote (1926)	4/6/1999 1:02:00 PM
From: Barney	Respond to of 2733

How to Lose Weight at Work Without Doing Much Here's the guide to calorie-burning activities and the number of calories per hour they consume. Beating around the bush. . . . . . . . .75 Jumping to conclusions . . . . . . . . 100 Climbing the walls . . . . . . . . . . 150 Swallowing your pride. . . . . . . . . .50 Passing the buck . . . . . . . . . . . .25 Throwing your weight around (depending on your weight). ..50-300 Dragging your heels. . . . . . . . . . 100 Pushing your luck. . . . . . . . . . . 250 Making mountains out of molehills. . . 500 Hitting the nail on the head . . . . . .50 Wading through paperwork . . . . . . . 300 Bending over backwards . . . . . . . . 75 Jumping on the bandwagon . . . . . . . 200 Balancing the books. . . . . . . . . . .25 Running around in circles. . . . . . . 350 Eating crow. . . . . . . . . . . . . . 225 Tooting your own horn. . . . . . . . . .25 Climbing the ladder of success . . . . 750 Pulling out the stops. . . . . . . . . .75 Adding fuel to the fire. . . . . . . . 160 Wrapping it up at the day's end. . . . .12 To which you may want to add your own favorite activities, including: Opening a can of worms . . . . . . . . .50 Putting your foot in your mouth. . . . 300 Starting the ball rolling. . . . . . . .90 Going over the edge. . . . . . . . . . .25 Picking up the pieces after. . . . . . 350 Counting eggs before they hatch. . . . . 6 Calling it quits . . . . . . . . . . . . 2

To: John Messbauer who wrote (1926)	4/6/1999 1:03:00 PM
From: Barney	Respond to of 2733

Subject: New USPS stamp. It's reported that the United States Postal Service was considering a new First Class Stamp with Bill & Hillary's picture on it. With the first prototype they were baffled to learn the new stamp was not sticking to the envelopes. After a little more research they discovered that people were spitting on the wrong side of the stamp.

To: John Messbauer who wrote (1926)	4/6/1999 1:16:00 PM
From: Barney	Respond to of 2733

The following is attributed to State Representative Mitchell Kaye from Cobb County, GA (but I have not been able to verify this) We, the sensible people of the United States, in an attempt to help everyone get along, restore some semblance of justice, avoid any more riots, keep our nation safe, promote positive behavior and secure the blessings of debt-free liberty to ourselves and our great-great-great grandchildren, hereby try one more time to ordain and establish some common sense guidelines for the terminally whiny, guilt-ridden, delusional, commie-pinko bedwetters. We hold these truths to be self-evident, that a whole lot of people were so confused by the Bill of Rights that they require a Bill of No Rights. BILL OF NO RIGHTS ARTICLE I: You do not have the right to a new car, big screen TV or any other form of wealth. More power to you if you can legally acquire them, but no one is guaranteeing anything. ARTICLE II: You do not have the right to never be offended. This country is based on freedom, and that means freedom for everyone - not just you! You may leave the room, turn the channel, express a different opinion, etc., but the world is full of idiots, and probably always will be. ARTICLE III: You do not have the right to be free from harm. If you stick a screwdriver in your eye, learn to be more careful, do not expect the tool manufacturer to make you and all your relatives independently wealthy. ARTICLE IV: You do not have the right to free food and housing. Americans are the most charitable people to be found, and will gladly help anyone in need, but we are quickly growing weary of subsidizing generation after generation of professional couch potatoes who achieve nothing more than the creation of another generation of professional couch potatoes. ARTICLE V: You do not have the right to free health care. That would be nice, but from the looks of public housing, we're just not interested in forcefully being made wards of the state for this aspect of our lives. ARTICLE VI: You do not have the right to physically harm other people. If you kidnap, rape, intentionally maim or kill someone, don't be surprised if the rest of us want to see you fry in the electric chair. ARTICLE VII: You do not have the right to the possessions of others. If you rob, cheat or coerce away the goods or services of other citizens, don't be surprised if the rest of us get together and lock you away in a place where you still won't have the right to a big-screen color TV or a life of leisure. ARTICLE VII: You don't have the right to demand that our children risk their lives in foreign wars to soothe your aching conscience. We hate oppressive governments and won't lift a finger to stop you from going to fight if you'd like. However, we do not enjoy parenting the entire world and do not want to spend a lot of our time battling each and every little tyrant with a military uniform and a funny hat. ARTICLE VIII: You don't have the right to a job. All of us sure want all of you to have one, and will gladly help you along in hard times; but we expect you to take advantage of the opportunities of education and vocational training laid before you to make yourself useful. ARTICLE X: You do not have the right to happiness. Being an American means that you have the right to pursue happiness - which, by the way, is a lot easier if you are unencumbered by an overabundance of idiotic laws created by those of you who were confused by the Bill of Rights.

To: John Messbauer who wrote (1926)	4/6/1999 1:19:00 PM
From: Barney	Respond to of 2733

A Redneck buys a ticket and wins the lottery. He goes to Austin to claim it and the man verifies his ticket number. The Redneck says, "I want my $20 million." The man replied, "No, sir. It doesn't work that way. We give you a million today and then you'll get the rest spread out for the next 19 years." The Redneck said, "Oh, no. I want all my money right now! I won it and I want it." Again, the man explain that he would only get a million that day and the rest during the next 19 years. The Redneck, furious with the man, screams out, "Look, I want my money! If you're not going to give me my $20 million right now, then I want my dollar back!"

To: John Messbauer who wrote (1926)	4/6/1999 1:30:00 PM
From: Barney	Respond to of 2733

CHOCOLATE By John Scalzi Chocolate is God's way of reminding men how inadequate they are. I am vividly confronted with this fact every time my wife and I go out to a restaurant. When it gets to dessert, my wife usually orders the most chocolate-saturated dessert possible: It's the one called "Unstoppable Double-Fudge Chocolate Mudslide Explosion" or some such thing. I always wonder why anyone would want to eat anything that promises a catastrophic natural disaster in your mouth. The dark brown monstrosity arrives at the table, and my wife takes the first bite. Before the fork is even removed from her mouth, a small moan escapes her lips. Her eyes, previously perfectly aligned, first cross slightly and then faze completely, pupils dilating in pure chocolate pleasure before the eyelids clamp down in ecstasy. The hand not holding the fork clenches into a fist and starts pounding the table. The silverware rattles. After about six minutes of this, she finally manages to swallow the bite, realign her eyes, and take the next shuttle back from whatever transcendental plane she's been visiting. Slowly, her sphere of consciousness expands to include me, her husband, her life-long mate, her presumed partner in all things ecstatic. "Hey, this is pretty good," she'll say. "You want some?" No, I don't. I want nothing to do with an object that does to my wife in one bite what I've worked for an entire relationship to achieve. It wouldn't do any good, anyway. Men just don't have the same relationship with chocolate that women do. It's not even close. I wandered around the office today and asked men - Chocolate. Your thoughts?" - and the result was always the same. First, a confused look as to why they're being asked about something so trivial, and then some lame, obvious statement: "Uuh... it's brown?" Ask women the same question, and you get responses like "The ONLY food group," "ESSENTIAL to life as we know it," and the ultimate casual swipe at every member of the Y-chromosome brigade, "Better than sex." Ouch. Some women will try to make up for that last one by quickly adding that chocolate is supposed to be an aphrodisiac. Uh-huh. Chocolate certainly increases desire; problem is the desire is usually for more chocolate. The best a guy can do is buy a box of chocolates and hope he'll be considered somewhere between the cherry truffle and the strawberry nougat. Don't get me wrong. Guys like chocolate just fine; it's just not essential to life as we know it. Respiration is essential to life as we know it; chocolate is simply one of those nice little bonuses you get. We won't usually pass it up if it's offered, but I don't know too many guys who would get substantially worked up if it were to suddenly disappear from the face of the earth (ironic in a way, as back in the days of the Aztecs, only men were allowed to have the stuff). When I eat a chocolate dessert, I enjoy it, yes. My world view doesn't narrow to include only the plate that it's on. Maybe we're missing something. On the other hand, we don't have to pick up our silverware from the floor after we're done with our tiramisu. Life is about trade-offs like that. All I know is that come Valentine's Day, chocolate will be among the things I offer my wife. I can't truly appreciate it, but I can truly appreciate what it does for her. Which is close enough.

To: John Messbauer who wrote (1926)	4/6/1999 1:43:00 PM
From: Barney	Respond to of 2733

The German air controllers at Frankfurt Airport are a short-tempered lot. They not only expect one to know one's gate parking location but how to get there without any assistance from them. So it was with some amusement that we (PanAm 747) listened to the following exchange between Frankfurt ground control and a British Airways 747 (radio call name "Speedbird 206") after landing: Speedbird 206: "Good morning Frankfurt, Speedbird 206 clear of the active runway." Ground: "Guten morgen! You vill taxi to your gate!" The British Airways 747 pulled onto the main taxiway and stopped. Ground: "Speedbird, do you not know vare you are going?" Speedbird 206: "Stand by, ground, I'm looking up the gate location now." Ground (with impatience): "Speedbird 206, haff you never flown to Frankfurt before?" Speedbird 206 (cooly): "Yes, in 1944. But I didn't stop."