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Pastimes : Jokes -- Ignore unavailable to you. Want to Upgrade?

To: Monty Lenard who wrote (1930)	4/6/1999 11:43:00 AM
From: Barney	Respond to of 2733

A minister was asked to dinner by one of his parishioners who he knew as being an unkempt housekeeper. When he sat down at the table, he noticed that the dishes were the dirtiest that he had ever seen in his life. "Were these dishes ever washed?" he asked his hostess, running his fingers over the grit and grime. She replied, "They're as clean as soap and water could get them". He felt a bit apprehensive, but blessed the food anyway and started eating. It was really delicious and he said so, despite the dirty dishes. When dinner was over, the hostess took the dishes outside and yelled, "Here Soap! Here Water!"

To: Monty Lenard who wrote (1930)	4/6/1999 11:45:00 AM
From: Barney	Read Replies (1) \| Respond to of 2733

A little list of "Doc-isms" What doctors say, and what they're really thinking: "This should be taken care of right away." I'd planned a trip to Hawaii next month but this is so easy and profitable that I want to fix it before it cures itself. "Welllllll, what have we here...?" He has no idea and is hoping you'll give him a clue. "Let me check your medical history." I want to see if you've paid your last bill before spending anymore time with you. "Why don't we make another appointment later in the week." I'm playing golf this afternoon, and this a waste of time. ---or-- I need the bucks, so I'm charging you for another office visit. "We have some good news and some bad news." The good news is, I'm going to buy that new BMW. The bad news is, you're going to pay for it. "Let's see how it develops." Maybe in a few days it will grow into something that can be cured. "Let me schedule you for some tests." I have a forty percent interest in the lab. "I'd like to have my associate look at you." He's going through a messy divorce and owes me a bundle. "I'd like to prescribe a new drug." I'm writing a paper and would like to use you for a guinea pig. "If it doesn't clear up in a week, give me a call." I don't know what it is. Maybe it will go away by itself. "That's quite a nasty looking wound." I think I'm going to throw up. "This may smart a little." Last week two patients bit off their tongues. "Well, we're not feeling so well today, are we...?" I'm stalling for time. Who are you and why are you here? "This should fix you up." The drug company slipped me some big bucks to prescribe this stuff. "Everything seems to be normal." Rats! I guess I can't buy that new beach condo after all. "I'd like to run some more tests." I can't figure out what's wrong. Maybe the kid in the lab can solve this one. "Do you suppose all this stress could be affecting your nerves?" You're crazier'n an outhouse rat. Now, if I can only find a shrink who'll split fees with me ... "There is a lot of that going around." My God, that's the third one this week. I'd better learn something about this. "If those symptoms persist, call for an appointment." I've never heard of anything so disgusting. Thank God I'm off next week.

To: Monty Lenard who wrote (1930)	4/6/1999 11:46:00 AM
From: Barney	Respond to of 2733

Rules for a Northerner Movin' South 1. Save all manner of bacon grease. You will be instructed later how to use it. 2. If you forget a Southerner's name, refer to him (or her) as "Bubba". You have a 75% chance of being right. 3. Just because you can drive on snow and ice does not mean we can. Stay home the two days of the year it snows. 4. If you do run your car into a ditch, don't panic. Four men in the cab of a four wheel drive with a 12-pack of beer and a tow chain will be along shortly. Don't try to help them. Just stay out of their way. This is what they live for. 5. Don't be surprised to find movie rentals and bait in the same store. 6. Do not buy food at the movie store. 7. If it can't be fried in bacon grease, it ain't worth cooking, let alone eating. 8. Remember: "Y'all" is singular. "All y'all" is plural. "All y'all's" is plural possessive. 9. There is nothing sillier than a Northerner imitating a Southern accent, unless it is a Southerner imitating a Boston accent. 10. Get used to hearing, "You ain't from around here, are you?" 11. People walk slower here. 12. Don't be worried that you don't understand anyone. They don't understand you either. 13. The first Southern expression to creep into a transplanted Northerner's vocabulary is the adjective "Big ol'", as in "big ol' truck" or "big ol' boy". Eighty-five percent begin their new Southern influenced dialect with this expression. One hundred percent are in denial about it. 14. The proper pronunciation you learned in school is no longer proper. 15. Be advised: The "He needed killin'" defense is valid here. 16. If attending a funeral in the South, remember, we stay until the last shovel of dirt is thrown on and the tent is torn down. 17. If you hear a Southerner exclaim, "Hey, y'all, watch this " stay out of his way. These are likely the last words he will ever say. 18. Most Southerners do not use turn signals, and they ignore those who do. In fact, if you see a signal blinking on a car with a Southern license plate, you may rest assured that it was on when the car was purchased. 19. Northerners can be identified by the spit on the inside of their car's windshield that comes from yelling at other drivers. 20. The winter wardrobe you always brought out in September can wait until November. 22. If there is the prediction of the slightest chance of even the most minuscule accumulation of snow, your presence is required at the local grocery store. It does not matter if you need anything from the store, it is just something you're supposed to do. 23. Satellite dishes are very popular in the South. When you purchase one it is to be positioned directly in front of your trailer. This is logical bearing in mind that the dish cost considerably more than the trailer and should, therefore, be displayed. 24. Tornadoes and Southerners going through a divorce have a lot in common. In either case, you know someone is going to lose a trailer. 25. Florida is not considered a southern state. There are far more Yankees than Southerners living there. 26. In southern churches you will here the hymn, All Glory, Laud and Honor. You will also here expressions such as, "Laud, have mercy", Good Laud", and "Laudy, Laudy, Laudy". 27. As you are cursing the person driving 15 mph in a 55 mph zone, directly in the middle of the road, remember, many folks learned to drive on a model of vehicle known as John Deere, and this is the proper speed and lane position for the vehicle. 28. You can ask a Southerner for directions, but unless you already know the positions of key hills, trees and rocks, you're better off trying to find it yourself.

To: Monty Lenard who wrote (1930)	4/6/1999 11:52:00 AM
From: Barney	Respond to of 2733

"BAR SPEAK" ------------------------------------ So occasionaly you go to the neighborhood bar or pub and hang out. Did you ever really think about all of the conversation going on around you means. Here's a little piece on what people really mean. Enjoy! * "I'll get this one, next one is on you." Happy hour is about to end....now drafts are a dollar, but by the next round they'll be $4.50 a pop. * "I haven't seen you around here for a long time." You stuck up little twit, too good for your old friends?? * "Hey, where is that friend of yours?" I have no interest in talking to you except as a way to get your attractive friend into a compromising position. * "You get this one, next round is on me." We won't be here long enough to get another round. * "Lets get out of here." I just dumped a half a pitcher of beer into that Harley guy's helmet. * "I don't feel well, let's go home." (female) You are paying more attention to your friends than me. * "I don't feel well, lets go home." (male) I'm horny. * "What do you have on tap?" What's cheap? * "I've had like 10 beers already." I've only had 3 but need an excuse to behave this way. * "Excuse Me." (male to male) Get the #%)* out of the way. * "Excuse Me." (male to female) I am going to grope you now. * "Excuse Me." (female to male) -Don't even think about groping me, just get the #%)* out of the way. * "Excuse Me." (female to female) Move your fat butt. Who do you think you are anyway? You are not all that, missy, and don't think for one minute that you are. And Get your eyes off of my man. * "I don't have my ID on me." (female) I'm 19. * "I don't have my ID on me." (male) I am actually 45, but the 22 year old girl I brought thinks I am 30