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Pastimes : Jokes -- Ignore unavailable to you. Want to Upgrade?

To: John Messbauer who wrote (1951)	4/7/1999 2:35:00 PM
From: Barney	Respond to of 2733

One day a man comes home from work to find total mayhem at home. The kids were outside still in their pajamas playing in the mud and muck. There were empty food boxes and wrappers all around. As he proceeded into the house, he found an even bigger mess. Dishes on the counter, dog food spilled on the floor, a broken glass under the table, and a small pile of sand by the back door. The family room was strewn with toys and various items of clothing, and a lamp had been knocked over. He headed up the stairs, stepping over toys, to look for his wife. He was becoming worried that she may be ill, or that something had happened to her. He found her in the bedroom, still in bed with her pajamas on, reading a book. She looked up at him, smiled, and asked how his day went. He looked at her bewildered and asked, "what happened here today?" She again smiled and answered, "You know everyday when you come home from work and ask me what I did today?" "Yes, was his reply." She answered, "Well, today I didn't do it!"

To: John Messbauer who wrote (1951)	4/7/1999 2:38:00 PM
From: Barney	Respond to of 2733

Top Ten Things That Sound Dirty in the Office but Aren't: 10. I need to whip it out by 5:00 9. Mind if I use your laptop? 8. Just stick it in my box 7. If I have to lick one more, I'll gag! 6. I want it on my desk NOW! 5. HHMMMMM....I think it's out of fluid. 4. My equipment is so old, it takes forever to finish. 3. It's an entry level position 2. When do you think you'll be getting off today? And the number one thing that sounds diirty in the office but isn't: 1. It's not fair...I do all the work while he just sits there.

To: John Messbauer who wrote (1951)	4/7/1999 2:54:00 PM
From: Barney	Respond to of 2733

Gertrude had a beagle who was her constant companion. It even had a bed at the foot of her own bed. But the beagle had one very annoying habit--it snored! One day Gertrude was talking to her friend and spoke of the annoying snoring. The friend said she had a perfect solution...."You simply tie a red ribbon around the beagle's you know whats," she said. Gertrude thought the idea was totally ridiculous, and didn't think of it again until later that week. Her husband was going to be gone for most of the evening to attend a bachelor party, and she settled down in bed with a good book--the beagle right beside her in his bed. As she drifted off to dreamland----so did the dog---and started snoring like a jack hammer. Gertrude, being a light sleeper, had had enough. She went to her dresser and fumbled through it until she found a red ribbon, and promptly tied it around the dog's "you know whats". The beagle stopped snoring almost instantly, and Gertrude fell asleep. A little while later, hubby came home drunker than a skunk---pulled off all his clothes---plopped on the bed---and started snoring like a jack hammer! Gertrude woke immediately---looked over at her husband---and said, "Well, it worked on the dog!" She fumbled through her dresser, searching for another red ribbon, but couldn't find one. "What the hell, color couldn't matter," she said, and retrieved a blue one. She carefully tied the blue ribbon around her husband's "you know whats" and he immediately stopped the racket. Gertrude, her husband and the dog were sleeping quietly until the effects of all the drinking hit hubby about 3:00 a.m. He ran to the bathroom adjoing the bedroom and was totally shocked when he looked down and saw the blue ribbon tied to his "you know whats." He then looked over at the dog and saw the red ribbon. He yelled, "Oh my God, Fido--I don't know where we were or what we did---but I got first prize and you got second!"

To: John Messbauer who wrote (1951)	4/7/1999 2:59:00 PM
From: Barney	Respond to of 2733

top five reason why not to be a penis 1 you have a hole in your head 2 you are bald 3 your roomates are nuts 4 your neighbors an asshole 5 every time you get excited, you throw up and pass out!!

To: John Messbauer who wrote (1951)	4/7/1999 3:04:00 PM
From: Barney	Respond to of 2733

The grossest thing for me to see is my bathroom floor all full of pee Why can't they make it in the bowl? Don't they see-there is a hole? Out in the woods they think it's cute to see how far a guy can "shoot." But in the house, it's plain to see... there is a bowl in which to pee (It's usually white and kinda round you hit the water, not the ground.) Why can't they make it in the bowl? Is it a problem with control? If not control, then tell me why... they make the bathroom such a sty? Come on guys, get a clue! You know what you have to do Be a human not a pig and don't forget to lift the lid. When your done, make it flush don't always be in such a rush. Then take the lid and push it down (don't made us women feel like clowns) Falling in, it is not fun- getting water on your buns Zip up your pants and you're all done now wasn't that alot of fun?? Keep this little poem in mind~ your woman will find you very kind.

To: John Messbauer who wrote (1951)	4/7/1999 3:10:00 PM
From: Barney	Respond to of 2733

One day, an old Indian Chief needed to call his warriors back to camp. So he decided to use the state of the art communication available at the time...the smoke signal. He started a fire and grabbed a blanket and told his warriors to return "pronto". Well, the warriors came back.......8 hours later. The Chief was pretty upset and asked them, "You no see my smoke signal ?". One of the warriors replied, "Yes, we see smoke signal. We no understand smoke signal." Chief say' "Why you no understand smoke signal ?" Same warrior replies, "Words come in funny shapes." Just then, another warrior brings over the blanket and began reading the label on it and then asked "Where is China ?"

To: John Messbauer who wrote (1951)	4/7/1999 3:16:00 PM
From: Barney	Respond to of 2733

HOW TO TALK ABOUT MEN AND STILL BE POLITICALLY CORRECT He does not have a beer gut, He has developed a Liquid Grain Storage Facility. He is not quiet, He is a Conversational Minimalist. He is not stupid, He suffers from Minimal Cranial Development. He does not get lost all the time, He discovers Alternative Destinations. He is not balding, He is in Follicle Regression. He is not a cradle robber, He prefers Generationally Differential Relationships. He does not get falling-down drunk, He becomes Accidentally Horizontal. He does not have his head up his ass, He suffers from Rectal-Cranial Inversion. He is not short, He is Anatomically Compact. He does not have a rich daddy, He is a Recipient of Parental Asset Infusion. He does not constantly talk about cars, He has a Vehicular Addiction. He does not have a hot body, He is Physically Combustible. He is not unsophisticated, He is Socially Challenged. He does not eat like a pig, He suffers from Reverse Bulimia. He is not a bad dancer, He is Overly Caucasian. He is not a sex machine, He is Romantically Automated. He does not hog the blankets, He is Thermally Unappreciative. He is not a male chauvinist pig, He has Swine Empathy. He does not undress you with his eyes, He has an Introspective Pornographic Moment. He is not afraid of commitment, He is Monogamously Challenged.

To: John Messbauer who wrote (1951)	4/7/1999 3:23:00 PM
From: Barney	Read Replies (1) \| Respond to of 2733

WAYS TO HANDLE STRESS 1. Jam 39 tiny marshmallows up your nose and try to sneeze them out. 2. Use your Mastercard to pay your Visa bill. 3. Pop some popcorn without putting the lid on. 4. When someone says, "Have a nice day," tell them you have other plans. 5. Find out what a frog in a blender really looks like. 6. Forget the Diet Center and send yourself a candygram. 7. Make a list of things that you've already done. 8. Dance naked in front of your pets. 9. Put your toddler's clothes on him backwards and send him off to preschool as if nothing was wrong. 10. Retaliate for tax woes by filling out your tax forms with Roman numerals. 11. Tattoo "out to lunch" on your forehead. 12. Tape pictures of your boss to watermelons and launch them from high places. 13. Leaf through National Geographic and draw underwear on the natives. 14. Go shopping. Buy everything. Sweat in it. Return it the next day. 15. Buy a subscription to Sleezoid Weekly and send it to your boss' wife. 16. Pay your electric bill in pennies. 17. Drive to work in reverse. 18. Relax by mentally reflecting on your favorite episode of the "Flintstones" during that important finance meeting. 19. Sit naked on a shelled hard-boiled egg. 20. Refresh yourself. Put your tongue on a cold steel guardrail. 21. Tell your boss to blow it out at his mule and let him figure it out. 22. Polish your car with ear wax. 23. Read the dictionary upside down and look for secret messages. 24. Start a nasty rumor and see if you recognize it when it comes back to you. 25. Bill your doctor for the time spent in his waiting room. 26. Braid the hairs in each nostril. 27. Write a short story, using alphabet soup. 28. Lie on your back eating celery....using your navel as a salt dipper. 29. Stare at people through the tines of a fork and pretend they're in jail. 30. Stare at people through the tines of a fork and pretend that you're in jail. Scream, "Let me out!!!!" 31. make up a language and ask people for directions.