To: Janice Shell (324 )
From: Tastes Like Chicken Friday, Apr 16 1999 11:58AM ET
Reply #384 of 385
VOLUME 1 ISSUE 25cOUSIN SHORTYS FREE FREE CHICKEN SHEEt UNDERVALUED EMAIL TIP SHEET RUMOR NEWSLETTER!!!! (c)cOUSIN SHORTY
Hello Hello aGAn to aaLL MY FREinds!!!!!!!!!!!!!
AAHA AHA AHAHAHAH AHAHAHAHAH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!1
cOUSIN SHORTY Hear with a new INTeriveW AND TIHs week we Half
LITTle JIMMy the FETus STOck PiTching Guru!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Jimmy is FROM Anither Plant I think THAt one like The one in Star TrEKs with That babe wher tthe three brains were betting quatloos on Captain Kirks. I gOT LTLLE Jimmy hear sitting in his NutrieNT Bath and his DORecoR OF OsTEntatiOns is Standing by his Name is EARl.
[Earl waves and smiles]
JIMmy done talK, he is TELepatheTic. SeW Less get startED!!!!!!!!
cS: JImmY Where did yoou Get that Big Glass jar you Are SwimminG In?
LJTFSPG: ~~~~~Earl picked that up at the Kwik-Mart for me. Nice one, isn't it? It had a whole bunch of pickled sausages in it. Earl ate those, filled up the jar with ginger ale, and here I am. I like the bubbles.~~~~~
cS: RitE!! I Like Ginger Ale to!!!! Now How long half you beaN A Stock Grew?
LJTFSPG: ~~~~~Almost 1/20th of a decade. Since I was a zygote.~~~~~
cS: aND YO Say yoU are A TraDer for a pENNY stoCK <Arket Maker too? WAht si that all Ablaut?
LJTFSPG: ~~~~~Yes, that is correct. I am the person that actually dictates the trading activity for the firm. I simply give the orders telepathically to Earl, here, and he enters the trades.~~~~~
cS: And onTOp of That you alSO Run a Chat line Wher e you Make piCKS in the marKIT! Less talk Abaout that frost. Can you Tell The riders of The CHICKENSHeET hoW Yo Pick youR STOcks to bY For yoR SUBScirbers?
LJTFSPG: ~~~~~Well, I can tell you a little. I don't reveal all my secrets, as you can imagine. I am a guru, and gurus have Special Knowledge. Briefly, I contact the management of the company telepathically, and ask pertinent questions about the stock. Once I have completed my Massive Due Diligence, which takes about half an hour, I purchase the stock in my own account, and then 15 minutes later, I release the pick on my chat line. The stock then goes up, and I command Earl to sell it.~~~~~
cS: AHAHA AHAHAHAHAH!!!!!! ! I Like iT ! Front Running the STOck. I Thiokgt that WAS IllEGAl.
LJTFSPG: ~~~~~I don't know what you call it. I thought of it myself about two months ago. It works. I don't know about illegal, all I know is I got an interview on television and everything. Offers pouring in for Little Jimmy. I am a star, you hear me, a star! EARL! MORE GINGER ALE!~~~~~
[Earl shuffles over slowly and pours a fresh bottle of room-temperature Schweppes into the pickled sausage jar.]
cS: Now abOUT The trADing How do Yo do THAt?
LJTFSPG: ~~~~~I have friends. I call them, I ask who is interested in the stock. Maybe I have a friend that wants to buy it at another firm. I sell it to him. Then he sells it to his friend, then his friend sells it to me. I sell it, one print. He sells it, one print. The other guy sells it back to me, one print! Presto! Big volume spike! Simple. Then, when the pick goes out on the chat line, I already know that the volume will spike higher. My friends and I hold the spread and take 20 or 30% off every trade. The buyers somehow miss the fact that they are down 20% the moment the buy the stock. It's a beautiful thing to watch.~~~~~
cS: YO whOa LITle Jimmy, thaTS NOT LEGAL BuddY Yo Cant do THAt.
LJTFSPG: ~~~~~Yeah, yeah, yeah. Right. I would never do that. I just made that up. I could get fined. Oooooh. I could get a big fine if I get caught. I am so scared. Forget I even mentioned it. EARL! HALF A TAB OF ALKA-SELTZER TOOT SWEET!~~~~~
[Earl again shuffles over and deposits half an Alka-Seltzer in the pickled sausage jar.]
cS: AHA AHA AHAHAHAHHA!!!!!!!!! Ok SO JimmY, sPEAking of The Buyers, tell us abouT THEm.
LJTFSPG: ~~~~~You mean the Army of Somnambulant Zombies? I call them ASZs for short. I love them. They are My People. They trust me. They love me. They wait for my picks, just like a big frosty glass of Special Grape Kool-Aide or a pocket full of quarters. The ASZs are the Salt of the Earth. Mainly because I have a limited vocabulary since I don't study much at school. Instead, I prepare the chat board for the next Big Play. I tell them I am preparing Massive and Extensive Due Diligence. They need to know nothing. I am the Master. I Know All. I say buy, they buy. I say sell, they sell. So simple, even a child can do it! I was on TV, did I mention that?~~~~~
cS: RITE !!!!!! HA AHA AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!1 Let me ax you A COUpel Qustins about Due diligkence. How do Yo do that? Do you loOK at the Balacne SheeT?
LJTFSPG: ~~~~~~Don't need to.~~~~~
cS: How abouTTHe ROI or the EARnings or the MArgINS or Debt STRucurE, anYTHHINg like THAt?
LJTFSPG: ~~~~~Nope. No need. These are penny stocks, you giant reptile freak from another planet. These don't have those things. That's what makes it fun. I don't know what any of that means, anyway. All I do is talk to the people at the company and ask them questions about the stock. Whatever they say, that's what I believe. Because these are My People too! Salt of the Earth. Wonderful people. None better. Smart as Whips. Brilliant. Words cannot describe my feelings. Now, it is true that some of them have had some trouble with the law in the past. But I am a forgiving fetus. Nobody would lie to a fetus, not even hardened criminals that are out to steal massive amounts of money from the investing public using sophisticated schemes that I have no clue about. It's a beautiful world, and every day is a bright sunshiny day. Except the people that come on the chat line and call me names. They are evil. Ungrateful bastards. Jealous of my success. Fools. I would spit on them, if I could spit.
I am actually preparing to due Massive and Extensive Due Diligence on my current Potential Secret Next Fetus Pick Which I Will Announce 15 Minutes After I Own It right now. Would you care to watch The Master at Work, slug?~~~~~
cS: AHA AHA HAHAHAHAHAHAH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Go aHEAd on Little JImmY shoW ME whaT YO Got!
LJTFSPG: ~~~~~Very well. By the way, by the time your readers read this, I will already own the stock, so you can't trick me. The stock I am talking about is SNOT. Trades on the bulletin board, bid one cent, offer three dollars. The management of SNOT are contemplating an announcement of a possible new product which they are possibly forming a business partnership with somebody else I am not sure about to perhaps maybe distribute in Foreign Lands. Are you following me here? EARL! MORE GINGER ALE! I'M WORKING HERE, EARL! ~~~~~
cS: IM With Yoo JImmY< go AHEad on!!!! AHA AHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!
[Earl shuffles over once again and pours another fresh bottle of room-temperature Schweppes into the pickled sausage jar.]
LJTFSPG: ~~~~~OK. I am initiating contact with the President of SNOT. He says something here, I am forming contact, wait, wait, OK. He says he sees a nice white poodle bitch. She smells good. He also smells some different kinds of poop. Some squirrels, some smelly humans, other things. He wants something to eat. He can't decide between the poodle bitch and the dead bird over there across the street.~~~~~
cS: WH oAA!!!!!!!!!!!! Hey JImmY sounDS LIKE Yo are TALikg to A DOG,,,,, MY MAN!!!!!!! ARE YO sure that is THE PRsidENt fo the COMPany?????? TAHt soundS LIKe a Dog, JImmY!!!!!!!!!
LJTFSPG: ~~~~~~ Ah! Yes, you are correct. My error. One moment, I am initiating contact now. Wait, wait, OK. He says he is awaiting final approval for the distribution of the new product. News will be out soon. The president of the company says he will personally call the market makers to ensure that when the buying comes in on the stock they will be ready. I like that, that's nice of him, don't you think? Very accomodating. The new product is revolutionary, It will change the course of mighty rivers, bend steel with his bare hands. And who, disguised as Clark Kent, mild mannered reporter for a daily metropolitan newspaper, fights a never ending battle for~~~~~
cS: WHOA Whoa JIMMY sounds like You got A FREqesncy croSSED upthere Dood you are Tuned onto NICKELODoen, dOOd!!!!!!
LJTFSPG: ~~~~~Ah, yes, let me turn that down. EARL! TURN OFF THE TV, I'M WORKING HERE, EARL! MORE ALKA-SELTZER EARL!~~~~~
[Earl shuffles over again, and drops the entire bottle of Alka-Seltzer along with 9 Taco Bell Extra Hot Sauce plasic thingies, into the pickled sausage jar.]
LJTFSPG: ~~~~~EARL! DAMMIT EARL, YOU MORON! THAT'S NOT FUNNY EARL! EARL! EARL! I'M LOSING CONTACT WITH THE EXECUTIVES OF THE COMPANY EARL! HOW DO YOU EXPECT ME TO CONTINUE, EARL? EARL! EARL!~~~~~
[Earl slowly unbuttons his shirt, revealing a deluxe Haines Tee Shirt with the words "It's For Your Own Good, Kid. Tastes Like Chicken Rules!" imprinted in large red letters on the front. Earl chuckles and high fives cOUSIN SHORTY]
cS: AHA AHA AHAHAHAHAHAH AHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
OK MY FIREnds!! THAnks for Dropping BY the spacECRAFT AND Until Next tome, REEMBENr , cOUSIN SHORTY Loves you EVWEn if yo Are a numbSKull KID, aand
sEE YOU AT the Top!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
AHA AHA AHAHAHAHAHA AHAHAHAHAHAHAH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
cOUSIN SHORTY
#reply-8963955 |
