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Pastimes : Another Good Reason Not To Be Married -- Ignore unavailable to you. Want to Upgrade?

To: Neenny who wrote (4834)	4/17/1999 3:22:00 PM
From: Edwarda	Read Replies (1) \| Respond to of 6545

But, wait, there are more: Why are women so bad at mathematics? Because men keep telling them that this (make gap with thumb and forefinger) is 9 inches. What's the difference between a bar and a clitoris? Most men have no trouble finding a bar. What's a man's definition of a romantic evening? Sex. What is the only time a man thinks about a candlelight dinner? When the power goes off. What do men and women have in common? They both distrust men. How can you tell the difference between men's real gifts and their guilt gifts? Guilt gifts are nicer. What do you instantly know about a well-dressed man? His wife is good at picking out clothes. How is a man like the weather? Nothing can be done to change either one of them. What is the difference between a man and childbirth? One can be terribly painful and sometimes almost unbearable while the other is just having a baby. What is the difference between a single 40-year-old woman and a single 40-year-old man? The 40-year-old woman thinks often of having children and the 40-year-old man thinks often about dating them. Women dream of world peace, a safe environment, and eliminating hunger. What do men dream of? Being stuck in an elevator with the Doublemint twins. What do you call a man who expects to have sex on the second date? Slow. What is the one thing that all men at singles bars have in common? They're married. What do most men think Mutual Orgasm is? An insurance company. Why don't men often show their true feelings? Because they don't have any. What's easier to make: a snowman or a snowwoman? A snowwoman is easier to make, because with a snowman you have to hollow out the head and use all that extra snow to make its testicles. What do you call a man with 99% of his brain missing? Castrated. How do you know if a man is lying? His lips are moving! Why do only 10% of men make it to heaven? Because if they all went, it would be Hell! How are men like chocolates? A.They never last long enough B.They always leave stains whenever they get hot. What's the difference between men and pigs? Pigs don't turn into men when they get drunk! What do you get when you cross a man with a pig? Nothing. There are some things even a pig won't do. What's a sure sign a man is planning to be unfaithful? If he has a penis. What do you do if your best friend runs off with your husband? Miss her. Pity her. How does a man save a woman from being attacked on the street at night? He controls himself. Why don't men like to drink coffee at work? It keeps them awake. Why do men buy electric lawn mowers? So they can find their way back to the house. Why is it dangerous to tell the husband to go and change the son? Two hours later he comes back with a baby girl. Why didn't the husband change the baby for a week? Because the text on the nappies package said '18-40 lbs'. Why do men come home drunk and leave their clothes on the floor? Because they are in them. Why do men want to vote for a female President? Because we'd only have to pay her half as much. What's the difference between a man and a messy room? You can straighten up a messy room. What's the difference between a man and an ox? Fifteen pounds and a six-pack. How many men would it take to mop a floor? No one knows; they've never done it. What is a "successful hunting trip" ? When three men kill 9 cases of Budweiser in two days What's the difference between a man and Bigfoot? One is covered with matted hair and smells awful. The other has big feet. What does a man call true love? An erection. Why is a man like a moped? They're both fun to ride until your friends see you with one. What's the difference between a man and a parrot? You can teach a parrot to talk nicely. What's the difference between a marriage and a mental hospital? At a mental hospital you have to show improvement to get out. What is six inches long, two inches wide and make men act like fools? Money. What's the most effective birth control device for men? Their manners. What's a dumb man's martini? An olive in a glass of beer. How do men define insomnia? Waking up every few days. Why are married women heavier than single women? Single women come home, see what's in the refrigerator and go to bed. Married women come home, see what's in bed and go to the refrigerator. Why don't men believe in paternity tests? Because the sample is taken from their finger. Men are proof of reincarnation. You can't get that dumb in just one lifetime. Nobody can call him a quitter. He always gets fired. Wife: Do you love me just because my father left me a fortune? Husband: Not at all honey, I would love you no matter who left you the money. Why does the man bother? He's hoping for a lucky stroke. Mine. Why do male bosses have such poor grammar? Because they end every sentence with a proposition. Why don't men cook at home? No one's invented a steak that will fit in the toaster. Wife: "I won the lottery! Five million dollars. Whoo-ee--start packing!" Husband "That's great!!! What should I pack?" Wife: "Whatever you want, just be out of the house by the time I get there" Behind every great woman is a man telling her she's ignoring him. Behind every great man is a puzzled woman. What did God say after she made Eve? "Practice makes perfect." How does a woman know the man is cheating on her? He starts bathing twice a week. He keeps a record of everything he eats. It's called a tie. What's the one thing that keeps most men out of college? High School. Husband: "This coffee isn't fit for a pig!" Wife: "No problem, I'll get you some that is." We try to keep him out of the kitchen. Last time he cooked he burned the salad. 138.Why don't men eat between meals. There IS no "between" meals. What's the quickest way to lose 190 pounds of ugly fat? Divorce him. What is the definition of an inconsiderate husband? One who wins a trip to Paris and goes by himself, twice. How do women define a 50/50 relationship? We cook/they eat; We clean/they dirt; We iron/ they wrinkle. How are men like noodles? They are always in hot water, they lack taste, and they need dough. Why don't men do laundry? Cause the washer and dryer don't run on remote control! What do you call a woman that works like a man?? A Lazy bitch. Why is urine yellow and sperm white? So men can tell if they are coming or going. What's the difference between a man and a cow? One brain cell that prevents them from shitting all over the place! Did you hear about the baby born with both sexes? It had a penis AND a brain! Why are men with pierced ears are better prepared for marriage. They've experienced pain and bought jewelry. How do most men define marriage? A very expensive way to get your laundry done free. Why do women rub their eyes when they wake up? Because they don't have balls to scratch. Why are men like popcorn? They satisfy you, but only for a little while. What's the difference between an intelligent man and a UFO? I don't know, I've never seen either one.