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Pastimes : Another Good Reason Not To Be Married -- Ignore unavailable to you. Want to Upgrade?

To: Neenny who wrote (4838)	4/17/1999 3:30:00 PM
From: Edwarda	Read Replies (1) \| Respond to of 6545

Nope, I'm on a roll.... Why did Moses wander the desert for forty years? He wouldn't ask for directions Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact? Breasts don't have eyes. All the women moaning about finding a husband have obviously never had one Why do most men prefer looks to brains? Because most men see better than they think. What do you call a man who lost 95% of his brainpower? A widower When does a man open the door of the car for his wife? A.When he has a new car. B.When he has a new wife. Why are gingerbread men the best men of all? They are cute. They are sweet. and if they give you any lip, you can bite their heads off. Why did the bachelor have trouble putting his shoes on? His mother told him to put fresh socks on every day. What are the words women hate to hear when they are enjoying great sex? "Honey! I'm home!" What do you call a woman who knows where her husband is every night? A widow. Why don't men eat more M & M's? They are too hard to peel. I've got a head I can't think with. An eye I can't see with, and most of all I have to hang around with two nuts all the time. My closest neighbour is an asshole, my best friend is a pussy. Worst of all is my owner beats me all the time! Why do men need instant replays on TV-sports? Because they have forgotten what happened after 30 seconds. Why is a man just like a dog? A.Both have irrational fears of vacuum cleaning. B.Both have an inordinate fascination with women's crotches. C.Both are suspicious of the postman. Why did God create man first? Easy, He needed a rough draft. What do ceramic tiles and men have in common? If you lay them right in the beginning, you can walk over them for life. How is a man in bed like microwave food? 30 seconds and he is done. A man makes love like he drives a car... Never checks to see if you come before he pulls out. What's it called when a woman gets paralyzed from the waist down? Marriage. Why do women pay more attention to their appearance than to improving their minds? Because most men are stupid, but few are blind. What do men call pulling off a woman's panty hose? Foreplay. What is a husband? It's an attachment you screw to the bed to get shelves put up. What's six inches long, two inches wide, and drives women wild? A bar of chocolate. Did you hear about the woman who finally figured men out? She died laughing before she could tell anybody. What would the man call a woman who can suck an orange through a waterhose? Darling. What's the definition of Male Chauvinist Pig? A man who hates every bone in a woman's body - except his own. Why do men like BMWs? They can spell it. Why are men and spray paint alike? One squeeze and they're all over you Why do men like frozen microwave dinners so much? They like being able to both eat and make love during the commercial break. Why would women be better off if men treated them like cars? At least then they would get a little attention every 3 months or 3,000 miles, whichever came first. Why do blonde women have bruises around their navels? Blonde men aren't that clever either. How do you keep a man from wanting sex? You marry him. Why do a married man and his single male friend envy each other? Each one thinks the other is having sex more often. How many male chauvinistic pigs does it take to change a light bulb? a) None. Let the bitch do it herself. b) None. Let the bitch cook in the dark. How does a real man know whenever his girlfriend is having an orgasm? We don't know, we never met a man who cares. Man says to God: "God, why did you make woman so beautiful?" God says: "So you would love her." "But God," the man says, "why did you make her so dumb?" God says: "So she would love you." What three little word comes to a mans mind when his wife gets sentimental over a romantic movie? "Pass the popcorn." Why don't men get hemorrhoids? Because they are all perfect assholes. Why are men like paper cups? They're dispensable. How can a woman find out what life's like without a man around? Get married. What is the difference between a pregnant belly and a beer belly? One gives birth and the other gives burps. How are boyfriends like cockroaches? They hang around the kitchen and it's hard to get rid of them. What piece of furniture was named after the typical man? The La-Z-Boy recliner. If one man can wash one stack of dishes in one hour, how many stacks of dishes can four men wash in four hours? None. They'll all sit down together and watch football on television. What's the greatest mystery about men? How they can get older but still manage to remain immature. How can you tell if a man's playing around? He sends you love notes that are photocopied and begin with the line, "To whom it may concern..." What do men have difficulty retaining? a) a job b) a budget c) a promise d) a secret e) a friendship f) a marriage g) an anniversary date h) a 15 minute erection i) all of the above What does a man notice most when he's with his girlfriend? Every other woman around. What's the only way to have your husband remember your anniversary? Get married on his birthday. Who are balding men trying to fool when they comb the few wisps of hair that they still have, across their heads? Themselves. How is a man and a sports car alike? Neither one can be depended on and they both move too fast. Why did the man cross the road? a) Because his penis told him to. b) Because he thought he could get laid if he did. c) So the useless driver (a woman) down the street could hit him. d) Because another man dared him to and called him a pussy. What do you do if your bank account stops working? Divorce him. Where do you have to go to find a man who is truly into commitment? A mental hospital. What do you get when four men go fishing and one comes back after having caught nothing? "Three Men And A Baby" How many men does it take to dirty up 12 pots while cooking a meal? One What is the only weight lifting many men do in a day? Lifting themselves out of bed and doing arm curls with beer can dumbbells. What is the average number of times in a bachelor's life that his bed is made? Once, when it was still in the factory. Which of the following lines will do a better job of frightening a man away? a) Get away or I'll call the police!!! b) I love you and want to marry you and have your children. How many male chauvinistic pigs does it take to open a beer can? None. The bitch should have had it open when she brought it. How many husbands does it take to change a light bulb? a) We'll know as soon as one gets off the couch and does it. b) Six. One to force it with a hammer and five to go out for more bulbs. What's the easiest way for a wife cause hearing loss in her husband? Say she wants to talk to him. When do men insist that women are illogical? When a woman doesn't agree with them. What's the real reason men can't communicate? It's hard to drink beer and talk at the same time. What do most men consider a gourmet restaurant? Any place without a drive-up window. Why do so few men end up in heaven? They never stop to ask for directions. What does a man think foreplay is? a) It's something that you do on the golf course. b) It's something that occurs 2 minutes before having sex. How do some men avoid making a wrong career move? They never get a job. What is a "man about town"? He's here, there, and everywhere, except home. What could men do to make their marriages last longer? Pay less attention to prenuptial agreements and more to postnuptial affection. What are the only two kinds of men? Studs and duds. How can you tell it's puppy love for a man? He slobbers all over you. What can a woman find at both gyms and singles bars? Dumbbells. How could Will Rogers say, "I never met a man I didn't like"? He never had to date one. How can you tell if a man you're dating is lazy? He throws his kisses.

To: Neenny who wrote (4838)	4/17/1999 3:49:00 PM
From: Edwarda	Respond to of 6545

What's the definition of a man? A willy with a wallet. I had to divorce my husband for religious reasons, I'm a catholic and living with him is hell. Q: Why do most women not like threesomes involving two men? A: There's a limit to the incompetence a woman can handle. Why did God make men smell so bad?? So that blind women can hate them too. Why do men name their penises? Because their mom told them not to play with strangers. Why won't real men admit to injury? Because they're afraid of being returned as damaged goods. When a man and a woman are in the water, the man floats and the woman sinks. Why ? The man's brain is empty and the woman has a heart of stone. What does a drowned man have in common with a pregnant woman ? He didn't get out in time. An English professor wrote up on the board "woman without her man is nothing" And told his students to punctuate it. The males in the class wrote "Woman, without her man, is nothing." The females wrote "Woman! Without her, man is nothing." Why are a PC and a man different? The PC has a bigger hard drive. How many sexy guys does it take to change a light bulb? Hey, if you're in the dark with a sexy guy, why mess with the lights? "Men at work"?" Women work all the time, men have to put up signs to so we won't miss the rare occasion. Why do men like to listen to dumb blonde jokes? Because it is the only time when their stupidity isn't in the spotlight. Man calls fire dept. shouting "help my house is on fire! Come quick!" Dispatcher "how do we get there?" Man: "Duh! big red truck!" Q: What does a man do with 365 used condoms? A: Melt them down make them into a tire and call it a Goodyear What's the difference between a dick and a dildo? A dildo is easier to remove when it's in the way. Why did God call woman a help mate? Because he needed someone smarter than man I like my men the way I have my coffee - hot, strong, keeping me up all night but out of my system in 24 hours! Men's Philosophy: If you can't fix it, use duct tape. Women's Philosophy: If you can't fix it, return it for a new one. Men's philosophy on Sterilization: If you can't fix it, use duct tape. Women's Philosophy on Sterilization: If you can't fix it, trade if for a vibrator. Mary, Mary, quite contrary, how does your garden grow? a) Ex-boyfriends make excellent fertilizer b) With silvered pates and crinkled napes of ex-hubbies turned in well with my hoe. Why is it good to have a man passenger in your car? So you can park in the Handicapped parking! Why do cowboys wear belts with their names on them? So that when they pull their heads out of their asses they know who they are! Why do little boys whine? They are practicing to be men. I seem to miss my ex alot...but my aim is getting better! Why did God create man? No, seriously....why? Two stupid hunters are walking thru the woods. One says "Look, a dead bird." The other looks up and says "Where, where?" Why do men seem to get stupider each time they have sex? Because they lose a little bit of their brains with each orgasm. There are some people you can confuse ALL of the time...they're called men ! How many real men does it take to change a light bulb? None - real men aren't afraid of the dark. Why are banana's better than men? Because, even the smallest banana is at least eight inches long A stupid man always tells a woman he understands her. A really stupid one tries to prove it. One way for a man to save face, is to keep his lower half shut. Men's motto: Whoever dies with the most toys wins. Women's motto: Whoever dies with the most toys still dies and gives it all to his wife. What's the difference between a man and a dog? A dog is satisfied with a little petting. Woman #1: (holding a large potato in each hand) "These potatoes remind me of my husband's balls." Woman #2: "My goodness, are they that large?" Woman #1: "No, they're that dirty!" How are men like beanie babies? They're cheap, their heads are mushy, and the really cute ones are hard to find. Q: What do you call a pig in clothes? A: Honey. Q: What's the difference between a dog and a man? A: A dog admits he has a hairy back. How do you know if your husband hasn't been home in a while? The house is clean. After 15 years of marriage they finally achieved sexual compatibility. They both had a headache. Marriage is the price men pay for sex and sex is the price women pay for marriage. Him: "I have never had an affair. Can you say the same?" Her: "Yes, but not with such a straight face." The husband complained "You never cry out when you orgasm?" "How do you know?" she replied, "You are never there!" What did John Wayne Bobbit say when Loreena Bobbit cut off his penis? Nothing! - he couldn't think! When is it alright for a man to have bushy eyebrows? When his eyebrows are on your bush. What do you call a woman who aspires to be equal to a man? Hopelessly unambitious Submitted by: Bridges Why can't men cook pancakes? Because they are useless tossers. This is a woman's world. When a man is born, people ask, 'How is the mother?' When he marries, they exclaim, 'What a beautiful bride' When he dies, they inquire, 'How much did he leave her?' There is no such thing as confirmed bachelors up to the age of fifty-two - only obstinate ones. Men are like.....Placemats. They only show up when there's food on the table. Men are like.....Mascara. They usually run at the first sign of emotion. Men are like.....Bike helmets. Handy in an emergency, but otherwise they just look silly. Men are like.....Copiers. You need them for reproduction but that's about it. Men are like.....Lava lamps. Fun to look at but not all that bright. Men are like.....Bank accounts. Without a lot of money, they don't generate much interest. Men are like.....High heels. They're easy to walk on once you get the hang of it. Men are like.....Curling irons. They're always hot, and they're always in your hair Men are like.....Mini skirts. If you're not careful, they'll creep up your legs. Why can't men have multiple orgasms? Who cares? On Bondai Beach, Aus: Bruce: G'day Sheila, wanna Fuck? Sheila: No thanks, Bruce. Bruce: Well would you mind lying there while I have one Why are sportscars like hemorrhoids? Most assholes get them sooner or later. What is the only thing men can keep up for a week? - The toilet seat. A man was not able to get any sex for six months and was feeling very depressed. Then he met a man with no hands. If the world were a logical place - men would ride side saddle. what is a difference between a rope and a short skirt? A rope can pull one donkey... A short skirt can pull 100 donkeys. Why do hunters make the best lovers? Because they go deep in the bush, shoot more than once and they eat what they shoot. What does a rooster have that a man wants? A hard pecker. What is the difference between Olympic swimmers and divers? Mark Spitz and Greg swallows.