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Pastimes : Jokes -- Ignore unavailable to you. Want to Upgrade?

To: Gordon Quickstad who wrote (2029)	4/28/1999 9:36:00 AM
From: Barney	Respond to of 2733

Two women came before wise King Solomon, dragging between them a young man in a three-piece suit. "This young lawyer agreed to marry my daughter," said one. "No! He agreed to marry MY daughter," said the other. And so they haggled before the King until he called for silence. "Bring me my biggest sword," said Solomon, "and I shall hew the young attorney in half. Each of you shall receive a half." "Sounds good to me," said the first lady. But the other woman said, "Oh Sire, do not spill innocent blood. Let the other woman's daughter marry him." The wise king did not hesitate a moment. "The attorney must marry the first lady's daughter," he proclaimed. "But she was willing to hew him in two!" exclaimed the king's court. "Indeed," said wise King Solomon. "That shows she is the TRUE mother-in-law."

To: Gordon Quickstad who wrote (2029)	4/28/1999 9:40:00 AM
From: Barney	Respond to of 2733

A guy walks into a post office one day to see a middle aged, balding man standing at the counter methodically placing "Love" stamps on bright pink envelopes with hearts all over them. He then takes out a perfume bottle and starts spraying scent all over them. His curiosity getting the better of him, he goes up to the balding man and asks him what he is doing. The man says "I'm sending out 1,000 Valentine cards signed, 'Guess who?'" "But why?" asks the man. "I'm a divorce lawyer," the man replies.

To: Gordon Quickstad who wrote (2029)	4/28/1999 6:12:00 PM
From: Barney	Respond to of 2733

Useful Computer Acronyms PCMCIA People Can't Memorize Computer Industry Acronyms ISDN It Still Does Nothing APPLE Arrogance Produces Profit-Losing Entity SCSI System Can't See It DOS Defunct Operating System BASIC Bill's Attempt to Seize Industry Control IBM I Blame Microsoft DEC Do Expect Cuts CD-ROM Consumer Device, Rendered Obsolete in Months OS/2 Obsolete Soon, Too. WWW World Wide Wait MACINTOSH Most Applications Crash; If Not, The Operating System Hangs

To: Gordon Quickstad who wrote (2029)	4/28/1999 6:14:00 PM
From: Barney	Respond to of 2733

Ways things would be different if Microsoft was headquartered in Louisiana 1. Their #1 product would be Microsoft Winders 2. Instead of an hourglass icon you'd get an empty beer bottle 3. Occasionally you'd bring up a window that was covered with a hefty bag 4. Dialog boxes would give you the choice of "Ahh-ight" or "Naw" 5. Instead of "Ta-Da!", the opening sound would be Dueling Banjos 6. The "Recycle Bin" in Winders '95 would be an outhouse 7. Whenever you pulled up the Sound Player you'd hear a digitized drunk redneck yelling "Freebird!" 8. Instead of "Start Me Up", the Winders '95 theme song would be "Achy-Breaky Heart" 9. PowerPoint would be named "ParPawnt" 10. Microsoft's programming tools would be "Vishul Basic" and "Vishul C++" 11. Winders 95 logo would incorporate Confederate Flag 12. Microsoft Word would be just that: one word 13. Instead of WWW servers, Microsoft would have KKK servers. 14. New Shutdown WAV: "Y'all come back now!" 15. Instead of VP, Microsoft big shots would be called "Cuz" 16. Hardware could be repaired using parts from an old Trans Am 17. Microsoft Office replaced with Micr'sawft Henhouse 18. Four words: Daisy Dukes Screen Saver 19. Well, the first thing you know, old Bill's a billionaire 20. Speadsheet software would include examples to inventory dead cars in your front yard 21. Flight Simulator replaced by Tractor pull Simulator 22. Microsoft CEO: Bubba Gates

To: Gordon Quickstad who wrote (2029)	4/28/1999 6:17:00 PM
From: Barney	Respond to of 2733

Recently one of my friends, a computer wizard, payed me a visit. As we were talking I mentioned that I had recently installed Windows 95 on my PC, I told him how happy I was with this operating system and showed him the Windows 95 CD. Too my surprise he threw it into my micro-wave oven and turned on the oven. Instantly I got very upset, because the CD had become precious to me, but he said:'Do not worry, it is unharmed.' After a few minutes he took the CD out, gave it to me and said: 'Take a close look at it.' To my surprise the CD was quite cold to hold and it seemed to be heavier than before. At first I could not see anything, but on the inner edge of the central hole I saw a inscription, an inscription finer than anything I have ever seen before. The inscription shone piercingly bright, and yet remote, as if out of a great depth: 12413AEB2ED4FA5E6F7D78E78BEDE8209450920F923A40EE10E510CC98D444AA08E1324 'I cannot understand the fiery letters,' I said. 'No but I can,' he said. 'The letters are Hex, of an ancient mode, but the language is that of Microsoft, which I shall not utter here. But in common English this is what it says:' One OS to rule them all, One OS to find them, One OS to bring them all and in the darkness bind them

To: Gordon Quickstad who wrote (2029)	4/28/1999 6:26:00 PM
From: Barney	Respond to of 2733

A helicopter was flying around above Seattle when an electrical malfunction disabled all of the aircraft's electronic navigation and communications equipment. Due to the clouds and haze, the pilot could not determine the helicopter's position and course to steer to the airport. The pilot saw a tall building, flew toward it, circled, drew a handwritten sign, and held it in the helicopter's window. The pilot's sign said "WHERE AM I?" in large letters. People in the tall building quickly responded to the aircraft, drew a large sign, and held it in a building window. Their sign said "YOU ARE IN A HELICOPTER." The pilot smiled, waved, looked at his map, determined the course to steer to SEATAC airport, and landed safely. After they were on the ground, the copilot asked the pilot how the "YOU ARE IN A HELICOPTER" sign helped determine their position. The pilot responded "I knew that had to be the MICROSOFT building because they gave me a technically correct, but completely useless answer."

To: Gordon Quickstad who wrote (2029)	4/28/1999 6:31:00 PM
From: Barney	Respond to of 2733

Top Ten Improvements the Internet Would Have Made on the Civil War Before we enter the uncivil heckler-to-heckler fray, let's study a roster of the list's dishonorable discharges: Worthless Confederate currency replaced with worthless AOL Visa cards. (Lead K9) General "Firewall" Jackson. (CyberJohns) (DannyBoyEE) Terms of surrender would have included all of the South's tokens. (RenegadeKL) No one wants to fight at $1.99 an hour. (Kimmy1728) John Brown forgoes raid on Harper's Ferry to host Prodigy chat. (delsyn@msn.com) Instead of fighting, North and South spend days scrolling in chatrooms saying things like, "Everyone who thinks that the South rules, press 1." (Kev14stp) "Muskets for Dummies." (BonkersSGK) More fake nudes of Stonewall Jackson in circulation. (JnBNelson) Improved Rebel search engine: "YAHOOOOO.com." (NormQ) But alas, as the Old South found out, we can't all be winners, and so we march on now to the top TEN improvements that the Internet would have made on the Civil War: 10. Instead of fighting constantly, the soldiers would have had to stop periodically to make sure that they hadn't been logged off for inactivity. (Kev14stp) 9. Corporate Sponsorship. (Handysmrf) 8. The Mason-Dixon T1 line. (Frontpage) 7. A lot less bloodshed involved when "brother spams against brother." (JohnS50718) 6. Instead of bland "blue" or "gray," uniforms available in 256 colors. (CivilWar49) (JoeFlush) 5. Cannons traded in for less dangerous, but equally annoying mail bombs. (MastiffPoo) 4. Sherman could have simply flamed Atlanta into submission. (TenaseeVol) (scorpio60@webtv.net) 3. Using Member Directory to get more accurate troop counts. (Verbal 842) 2. Rebel yell now in convenient .wav format. (NethicusII) But Lothar2 was the good 'ol boy who pointed out the number ONE improvement that the Internet would have made on the Civil War: 1. Battlefields could only hold 23 people. (Lothar2)

To: Gordon Quickstad who wrote (2029)	4/28/1999 6:38:00 PM
From: Barney	Respond to of 2733

Found in a newsgroup somewhere in never never land Hi-Tech Coasters - Free! This is a special, limited offer for free hi-tech coasters to place your cups and mugs upon. Sized and shaped exactly like 3 1/2" high density disks, these durable plastic coasters will provide years of service while keeping your hardwood furniture free of those nasty rings of dried soda and coffee. Order several to leave around the house - for the living room, next to the computer, etc. Coasters can be custom printed with the word "Macintosh" or "Windows" to suit your individual preferences. Flash! For extra-large mugs, we now provide coasters that are the exact size and shape as CD-ROM's! Be the first on the block to put your mug down on the hippest coaster today! For your free coaster, call America Online today at (800) 445-6622. Order now! A few days later, the following "Adminstrative note" was found in the group: [Note - the previous "Hi-Tech Coasters!" offer was, of course, a joke, poking fun at the ease with which AOL distributes its start-up diskettes. The joke was apparently subtle enough for people to take it as a real offer. Please don't flood AOL with calls asking for the "free coaster",as they won't have a clue what you're talking about - ed.]

To: Gordon Quickstad who wrote (2029)	4/28/1999 6:44:00 PM
From: Barney	Read Replies (1) \| Respond to of 2733

--------------------------- --------------------------- Drug dealers Software developers --------------------------- --------------------------- Refer to their clients Refer to their clients as "users". as "users". "The first one's free!" "Download a free trial version..." Have important South-East Have important South-East Asian connections Asian connections (to help move the stuff). (to help debug the code). Strange jargon: Strange jargon: "Stick," "Rock," "SCSI," "RTFM," "Dime bag," "E". "Java," "ISDN". Realize that there's Realize that there's tons of cash in the tons of cash in the 14- to 25-year-old 14- to 25-year-old market. market. Job is assisted by the Job is assisted by industry's producing industry's producing newer, more potent mixes. newer, faster machines. Often seen in the company Often seen in the company of of pimps and hustlers. marketing people and venture capitalists. Their product causes DOOM. Quake. SimCity. Duke Nukem 3D. unhealthy addictions. 'Nuff said. Do your job well, and Damn! Damn! DAMN!!! you can sleep with sexy movie stars who depend on you.