apol
hi. im trying not to leave you guys hanging, and worrying, so i'm writing a message. I don't want to, not sure I can, but I know I should.
fragility; ductility.
succumbing; induction; entrainment.
maybe. maybe simple as that.
surprising, too.
I had a dream once, where the large front window where I fell asleep
woke me up. clakking.
clak
clakclak
clak
cli-clak.
it had divided into loose pieces,
and they had turned into clear brown plastic hanging in the space.
when the wind came the pieces would separate and the wind would blow through.
like the glass was broken, unless it was still.
and still someone had made the glass "safe;" and rounded.
but not quiet,
unless it was still.
so clakking.
I remember that sound.
and it woke me, and i saw it.
and wondered about it, and yet i knew it was right to be there.
i still find good reasons it had to replace the glass.
it's quite a scene.
brown, and translucent, but protected, in a simple, complex, way.
execpt when there is force.
sound door. something that causes something different. chime.
or doorways, or points of view, places to be inside of and outside of.
there is a lot to learn. basics. it's not so simple for me. maybe i make it hard. but it's the only way i know. obviously. foolish way? yes. and no. obviously. slow learner.
but see the sound, and shape, and material. a bunch of sheets like that. like scoreboard numbers. a signboard on a person, only taller than they are. inside it's like a brown bag. the sheets are hinged overhead in the air; or else they are behind you. some of the time they're clear, like glass. some of the time they're mudflaps.
I honestly don't know if mudflaps are to protect you from what might be mud, dirt clods, or if they are blinders. it's a basic human method, but also perhaps an immature one, so it could be many things. blinders seem to help horses. they function better then.
i was thinking of explaining this because it is absolute. once it happens, it has to end. and this image of these sheets stored behind or above are the only way to do it i could think of.
I am sorry, embarrassed, to describe such a primitive mechanism. It is embarrassing. But there's some stuff i can't do. I don't react so maturely. I have to send this while I have a window. be it as it may; whatever it says. worry about leaving is annoying me, and I want to be left alone by it. And not have you guys worry. I'm sure you have, but i can feel better by just telling you you're stupid. You're wasting your time. if i can't get it together, i'll let you hang and whimper and worry. it's nice to have criers at your funeral. serves vanity nicely. someone kiss me frog.
see if the eyes or pants wiggle.
i am a slow learner. obviously. but shit. so. eventually i will, i think. i thought i was closer. i was surprised. heh hehers. hoo doggies.
hey! the boy next door got banged up. let me see, this will be good discipline, let me see if I can tell this. I have to think. He got banged up, up the street. coming down the hill pretty fast and not paying enough attention. getting dark. (Is this a metaphor?) must have got behind a mudflap. that dangerous time of day, and going fast. he got banged up because spotted a deer at the side of the road, in the trees, and while he was looking at it, he hit a deer. in the road.
this is the cool part - he was on his bike.
he hit a deer on his bike.
that's funny.
I guess the deer is okay.
but probably embarrassed.
I think i'll be back later. duh. kind of likely, because things change fast in all directions. but now I can worry less about this. one thing at a time. this is as close as I can come. i am not up. Too Far. no party in here right now. seems way distant. gotta go work. oh boy.
i'm going to post this, but i really don't want to.
but i have to do something.
i guess.
cest le fukking v.
if i didn't have you guys, i wouldn't have to do this. we find people with affection but then when i get mad or sad or stopped down or literally freaked out i don't want them around. or maybe one wants to hurt everything, disrupt everything, to get it to match. or for lack of power. jeez, these are stupid. i think there are many things, maybe hundreds. i see them aal around, in different hours. it seems as though some sophisticated systems have learned what to do to call the basis of all movement into question in my case. more so this uncertainty than motive. yes.
yes yes yes.
or maybe.
really, who cares. |
