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Pastimes : Jokes -- Ignore unavailable to you. Want to Upgrade?

To: Hart who wrote (2060)	5/5/1999 9:21:00 AM
From: Barney	Respond to of 2733

<< A nun was sitting at a window in her convent one day... when she was handed a letter from home. Upon opening it a $10 bill dropped out. She was most pleased at receiving the gift from her home folks, but as she read the letter her attention was distracted by the actions of a shabbily dressed stranger who was leaning against a post in front of the convent. She couldn't get him off her mind and, thinking that he might be in financial difficulties, she took the $10 bill and wrapped it in a piece of paper, on which she had written, "Don't despair, Sister Eulalia," and threw it out of the window to him. He picked it up, read it, looked at her with a puzzled expression, tipped his hat and went off down the street. The next day she was in her cell saying her beads when she was told that some man was at her door who insisted on seeing her. She went down and found the shabbily dressed stranger waiting for her. Without saying a word he handed her a roll of bills. When she asked what they were for he replied, "That's the sixty bucks you have coming. Don't Despair paid 5-1."

To: Hart who wrote (2060)	5/5/1999 9:22:00 AM
From: Barney	Respond to of 2733

A guy and a girl are having sex when they both say, "I'm really hungry and thirsty too. It was freakin' freezing in the house so they both have an argument over who should go get the food and drink. After a while they decide to have a contest. Whoever can come up with the best poem would be the one to stay in bed. They both think for a while when the guy says, "Okay, I got one. Two times two is four plus five is nine, I can pee in yours but you can't pee in mine". So she thinks for a minute and says, "Okay two times two is four plus five is nine, I know the length of yours but you'll never know the depth of mine."

To: Hart who wrote (2060)	5/5/1999 9:23:00 AM
From: Barney	Respond to of 2733

A young Jewish couple had only recently set up housekeeping when an unfortunate incident occurred. Early one morning, the wife, drowsy from bed, went to the toilet for the morning's relief, and neglected to notice that the seat was up. When she sat, she kept going! She was just the right size and shape so that she became jammed into the toilet past her waist with her legs sticking straight up in front of her. She cried for her husband, who rushed in, and for the next hour tried desperately to extricate her. In this process they removed her sleeping gown, but this only left her naked and still stuck, with a particular part of her anatomy prominently visible between her splayed legs. Finally, the couple resolved to call a plumber, despite the embarrassing nature of their problem. When the plumber arrived, the young man let him in, but as they were walking to the bathroom, the young man realized that his wife was exposed in a very compromising and humiliating way. Thinking fast, he ran ahead of the plumber and placed the first thing he could think of, his yamulka skull cap, over his wife's exposed privates. The plumber walked into the bathroom, took one long look, and commented: "Well, I think I can save your wife, buddy, but the Rabbi's a goner."

To: Hart who wrote (2060)	5/5/1999 9:25:00 AM
From: Barney	Respond to of 2733

If Dear Abby was a Male Dear Abby: Q: My husband to be still pines for his old girlfriends. I'm afraid he will not be faithful. A: A man's capacity to love is boundless. It has been proven to increase with the number of sexual partners. Thus, by having a few other women, your partner is really increasing his love for you. Best thing to do is to buy him a nice, expensive present, and cook him a nice meal and don't mention this aspect of his behaviour. Q: My husband has too many nights out with the boys. A: This is perfectly natural behaviour - and it should be encouraged. The man is a hunter and he needs to prove his prowess with other men. Far from being pleasurable, a night out with the boys is a stressful affair, and to get back to you is a relief for your partner. Just look back at how emotional and happy the man is when he returns to his stable home. Best thing to do is to buy him a nice, expensive present, and cook him a nice meal and don't mention this aspect of his behaviour. Q: My husband wants to experience three-in-a-bed-sex with me and my sister. A: Your husband is clearly devoted to you. He cannot get enough of you, so he goes for the next best thing - your sister. Far from being an issue, this will bring all of the family together. Why not some cousins involved? If you are still apprehensive, then let him go with your relatives, buy him a nice, expensive present, and cook him a nice meal and don't mention this aspect of his behaviour. Q: My husband continually asks me to perform oral sex with him. A: Do it. Sperm is not only great tasting, but has only 10 calories a spoonful. It is nutritious and helps you to keep your figure and gives a great glow to the skin. Interestingly, a man knows this. His offer to you to perform oral sex with him is totally selfless. Oral sex is extremely painful for a man. This shows he loves you. Best thing to do is to thank him, buy him a nice, expensive present, and cook him a nice meal. Q: My husband doesn't know where my clitoris is. A: Your clitoris is of no concern to your husband. If you must mess with it, do it in your own time. To help with the family budget you may wish to video tape yourself while doing this, and to sell it at car-boot sales. To ease your selfish guilt, buy your man a nice expensive present, and cook him a delicious meal. Q: My husband goes straight to sleep after making love - we have no time to talk. A: Sex is an extremely difficult task for a man. Afterwards he needs rest. In fact, the more he loves you, the more hard work his love-making is, and the more rest he needs. Stop putting pressure on him. Buy him a nice, expensive present, and cook him a nice meal. Q: My husband's efforts at lovemaking only last 30 seconds. A: Your husband loves you very much. He is so turned on by you that he cannot control himself. In fact, the shorter the 'effort' the more he loves you. Return this love by buying a nice, expensive present, and cooking him a nice meal. Q: My husband is uninterested in foreplay. A: Foreplay to a man is very hurtful. What it means is that you do not love your man as much as you should - he has to work a lot to get you in the mood. Abandon all wishes in this area, and make it up to him by buying a nice expensive present, and cooking a nice meal. Q: My husband has never given me an orgasm. A: The female orgasm is a myth. It is fostered by militant, man-hating feminists and is a danger to the family unit. Don't mention it again to him and show your love to him by buying a nice expensive present ..and don't forget to cook him a delicious meal.

To: Hart who wrote (2060)	5/5/1999 9:25:00 AM
From: Barney	Respond to of 2733

At a pharmacy, a blonde woman asked to use the infant scale to weigh the baby she held in her arms. The clerk explained that the device was out for repairs, but said that she would figure the infant's weight by weighing the woman and baby together on the adult scale, then weighing the mother alone and subtracting the second amount from the first. "It won't work," countered the woman. "I'm not the mother, I'm the aunt."

To: Hart who wrote (2060)	5/5/1999 9:27:00 AM
From: Barney	Respond to of 2733

"Any husband who says, 'My wife and I are completely equal partners,' is talking about either a law firm or a hand of bridge." - Bill Cosby

To: Hart who wrote (2060)	5/5/1999 9:29:00 AM
From: Barney	Respond to of 2733

~~~ Get what you pay for! ~~~ During the wedding rehearsal, the groom approached the pastor with an unusual offer: "Look, I'll give you $100 if you'll change the wedding vows. When you get to me and the part where I'm to promise to 'love, honor and obey,' I'd appreciate it if you'd just leave that part out." He passed the minister a $100 bill and walked away satisfied. The big day comes, and the bride and groom exchange their vows. When it comes time for the groom's vows, the pastor looks the young man in the eye and says: "Will you promise to prostrate yourself before her, obey her every command and wish, serve her breakfast in bed every morning of your life and swear eternally before God and your lovely wife that you will not ever even look at another woman, as long as you both shall live?" The groom gulped and looked around, and said in a tiny voice, "Yes." The groom leaned toward the pastor and hissed, "I thought we had a deal." The pastor put the $100 bill into his hand and whispered back, "She made me a much better offer."

To: Hart who wrote (2060)	5/5/1999 9:33:00 AM
From: Barney	Read Replies (2) \| Respond to of 2733

A drunk walks into a bar and says to the bartender (with a drunken slur), "Bartender, buy everyone in the house a drink, pour yourself one, and give me the bill." So, the bartender does just that and hands the man a bill for $57.00. The drunk says, "I haven't got it." The bartender slaps the guy around a few times then throws him out into the street. The very next day the same drunk walks into the bar and once again says (with a drunken slur), "Bartender, buy everyone in the house a drink, pour yourself one, and give me the bill." The bartender looks at the guy and figures to himself that he can't possibly be stupid enough to pull the same trick twice, so he gives him the benefit of the doubt, pours a round of drinks for the house, has a drink himself and hands the drunk a bill for $67.00. The drunk says, "I haven't got it." The bartender can't believe it. He picks the guy up, beats the living daylights out of him, then throws him out into the street. The next day the same drunk walks back into the same bar and says (with a drunken slur), "Bartender, buy every one in the house a drink, give me the bill. In disgust, the bartender says, "What, no drink for me this time?" The drunk replies, "You !!?? No way! You get too violent when you drink."

To: Hart who wrote (2060)	5/5/1999 9:34:00 AM
From: Barney	Respond to of 2733

A Russian is strolling down the street in Moscow and kicks a bottle laying in the street. Suddenly out of the bottle comes a genie. The Russian is stunned and the Genie says, "Hello Master, I will grant you one wish, anything that you want." The Russian begins thinking, "Well I really like drinking vodka." Finally the Russian says, "I wish to drink vodka whenever I want, so make me piss vodka." The Genie grants him his wish. When the Russian gets home he gets a glass out of the cupboard and pisses into it. He looks at the glass and it's clear. Looks like vodka. Then he smells the liquid. Smells like vodka. So he takes a test and it is the best vodka that he has ever tasted. The Russian yells to his wife, "Natasha, Natasha, come quickly." She comes running down the hall and the Russian takes another glass out of the cupboard and pisses into it. He tells her to drink, that it is vodka. Natasha is reluctant but goes ahead and takes a sip. It is the best vodka that she has ever tasted. The two drink and party all night. The next night the Russian comes home from work and tells his wife to get two glasses out of the cupboard. He proceeds to piss in the two glasses. The result is the same, the vodka is excellent and the couple drink until the sun comes up. Finally, Friday night comes and the Russian tells his wife to grab one glass from the cupboard and we will drink vodka. She gets the glass but asks him "Boris, why do we only need one glass?" Boris raises the glass and says, "Because tonight my love, you drink from the bottle."