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Pastimes : Jokes -- Ignore unavailable to you. Want to Upgrade?

To: PMS Witch who wrote (2088)	5/8/1999 9:52:00 AM
From: Barney	Respond to of 2733

New Sport Legends In The Making Shaquille O'Neal on whether he had visited the Parthenon during his visit to Greece: "I can't really remember the names of the clubs that we went to." "I'm going to graduate on time, no matter how long it takes." -- Senior basketball player at the University of Pittsburgh "Nobody in football should be called a genius. A genius is a guy like Norman Einstein." -- Football commentator and former player Joe Theismann, 1996 "You guys line up alphabetically by height. -- Bill Peterson, a Florida State football coach "You guys pair up in groups of three, then line up in a circle." -- Bill Peterson, a Florida State football coach Clemson recruit Ray Forsythe, who was ineligible as a freshman because of academic requirements: "I play football. I'm not trying to be a professor. The tests don't seem to make sense to me, measuring your brain on stuff I haven't been through in school." Boxing promoter Dan Duva on Mike Tyson hooking up again with promoter Don King: "Why would anyone expect him to come out smarter? He went to jail for three years, not Yale." Stu Grimson, Chicago Blackhawks left wing, explaining why he keeps a color photo of himself above his locker: "That's so when I forget how to spell my name, I can still find my #%@= clothes." Shaquille O'Neal, on his lack of championships: "I've won at every level, except college and pro." Lou Duva, Veteran boxing trainer, on the Spartan training regime of heavyweight Andrew Golota: "He's a guy who gets up at six o'clock in the morning regardless of what time it is." Pat Williams, Orlando Magic general manager, on his team's 7-27 record (1992): "We can't win at home. We can't win on the road. As general manager, I just can't figure out where else to play." Chuck Nevitt, North Carolina State basketball player, explaining to Coach Jim Valvano why he appeared nervous at practice: "My sister's expecting a baby, and I don't know if I'm going to be an uncle or an aunt." Tommy Lasorda, Dodger manager, when asked what terms Mexican-born pitching sensation Fernando Valenzuela might settle for in his upcoming contract negotiations: "He wants Texas back." Darrell Royal, Texas football coach, asked if the abnormal number of Longhorn injuries that season resulted from poor physical conditioning: "One player was lost because he broke his nose. How do you go about getting a nose in condition for football?" Mike McCormack, coach of the hapless Baltimore Colts after the team's co-captain, offensive guard Robert Pratt, pulled a hamstring running onto the field for the coin toss against St. Louis: "I'm going to send the injured reserve players out for the toss next time." Steve Spurrier, Florida football coach, telling Gator fans that a fire at Auburn's football dorm had destroyed 20 books: "But the real tragedy was that 15 hadn't been colored yet." Jim Finks, New Orleans Saints G.M., when asked after a loss what he thought of the refs: "I'm not allowed to comment on lousy officiating." Alan Kulwicki, stock car racer, on racing Saturday nights as opposed to Sunday afternoons: "It's basically the same, just darker." Lincoln Kennedy, Oakland Raiders tackle, on his decision not to vote: "I was going to write myself in, but I was afraid I'd get shot." Jim Colletto, Purdue football coach and former assistant at Arizona State and Ohio State, on his 11-year-old son's reaction after he took the job with the Boilermakers: "He said: 'Gosh, Dad, that mean's we're not going to any more bowl games." LaVell Edwards, BYU football coach and one of 14 children: "They can't fire me because my family buys too many tickets." Frank Layden, Utah Jazz president, on a former player: "I told him, 'Son, what is it with you. Is it ignorance or apathy?' He said, 'Coach, I don't know and I don't care." Torrin Polk, University of Houston receiver, on his coach, John Jenkins: "He treats us like men. He lets us wear earrings." Shelby Metcalf, basketball coach at Texas A&M, recounting what he told a player who received four F's and one D: "Son, looks to me like you're spending too much time on one subject."

To: PMS Witch who wrote (2088)	5/8/1999 9:54:00 AM
From: Barney	Respond to of 2733

Subject: The HMO of Relationships Welcome to Managed Friendship, a whole new way of thinking about friends and relationships. The Managed Friendship Plan (MFP) combines all the advantages of a traditional friendship network with important cost-saving features. How Does It Work? Under the Plan, you choose your friends from a network of pre-screened accredited Friendship Providers (FPs). All your friendship needs are met by members of your Managed Friendship Staff. What's Wrong with my Current Friends? If you're like most people, you are receiving friendship services from a network of providers haphazardly patched together from your old neighborhoods, jobs, and schools. The result is often costly duplication, inefficiency, and conflict. Many of your current friends may not meet national standards, responding to your needs with inappropriate, outmoded, or even experimental acts of friendship. Under Managed Friendship, your friendship needs are coordinated by your designated Best Friend, who will ensure the quality and goodness of fit of all your friendly relationships. How Do I Know That the Plan's Panel of Friends Is Not Made Up of a Bunch of Losers Who Can't Make Friends on Their Own? Many of today's most dedicated and highly trained Friendship Providers are as concerned as we are about delivering Quality Friendship in a cost-effective manner. They have joined our network because they want to focus on acting like a friend rather than doing the paperwork and paying the high bad-friendship premiums that have caused the cost of traditional friendship to skyrocket. Our Friendship Providers have met our rigorous standards of companionship and loyalty. What If I Need a Special Friend, Say, for Poker or Fishing? Special Friends are responsible for most of the unnecessary and expensive activities that burden already costly relationships. Under the Managed Friendship Plan, your Best Friend is qualified to pre-approve your referral to a Special Friend within the Managed Friendship Network should your needs fall outside of the scope of his/her friendship. Suppose I Want to See Friends Outside the Managed Friendship Network? You may make friends outside of the Managed Friendship Network only in the event of a Friendship Emergency. What is a Friendship Emergency? The Managed Friendship Plan covers your friendship needs 24 hours a day, 365 days a year, even if you need a friend out of town, after regular business hours, or when your Best Friend is with someone else. You might be on a business trip, for instance, and suddenly find that you feel lonely. In such cases, you may make a New Friend, and all approved friendly activities will be covered under the Plan,provided you notify the Managed Friendship Office (or 24-hour Friendship Hot line) within two business days. What Friendly Activities Are Covered Under the Plan? Friendly Activities that are typically covered include: * Agreeing with you * Appearing sympathetic * Chewing the fat * Dropping by * Feeling your pain * Gossiping * Hanging out * Holding your hand (up to 5 minutes per activity)* * Joshing * Kidding around * Listening to you whine * Partying * Passing the time * Patting your back * Ribbing * Sharing a meal * Shooting the breeze * Slinging the bull * Teasing up to 15 minutes under the Premium Gold Friendship Plan What Friendly Activities Are Not Covered Under the Plan? Activities that would not be pre-approved include (but are not limited to): Bar hopping * Bending over backwards * Drinking to excess * Giving a hoot * Going the extra mile * Lending money * Real empathy * Sexual favors * Truly caring * Using illicit drugs How Can I Find Out More About the Managed Friendship Plan? A simple call is all it takes. If you need a friend, just call our toll-free number. Or visit our web site. Sign up for the Managed Friendship Plan and rest easier that all of your appropriate friendship needs will be met. Who Decides What's Appropriate for Me? We do. Isn't that what friends are for?

To: PMS Witch who wrote (2088)	5/8/1999 9:57:00 AM
From: Barney	Respond to of 2733

Subject: Interesting trivia test... (1) There's one sport in which neither the spectators nor the participants know the score or the leader until the contest ends. What is it? (2) What famous North American landmark is constantly moving backward? (3) Of all vegetables, only two can live to produce on their own for several growing seasons. All other vegetables must be replanted every year. What are the only two perennial vegetables? (4) At noon and midnight the hour and minute hands are exactly coincident with each other. How many other times between noon and midnight do the hour and minute hands cross? (5) What is the only sport in which the ball is always in the possession of the team on defense, and the offensive team can score without touching the ball? (6) What fruit has its seeds on the outside? (7) In many liquor stores, you can buy pear brandy, with a real pear inside the bottle. The pear is whole and ripe, and the bottle is genuine; it hasn't been cut in any way. How did the pear get inside the bottle? (8) Only three words in standard English begin with the letters "dw". They are all common. Name two of them. (9) There are fourteen punctuation marks in English grammar. Can you name half of them? (10) Where are the lakes that are referred to in the "Los Angeles Lakers"? (11) There are seven ways a baseball player can legally reach first base without getting a hit. Taking a base on balls - a walk - is one way. Name the other six. (12) It's the only vegetable or fruit that is never sold frozen, canned, processed, cooked, or in any other form but fresh. What is it? (13) How is it possible for a pitcher to make four or more strikeouts in one inning? (14) Name six or more things that you can wear on your feet, that begin with the letter "s". Scroll down for answers . . . . . . ANSWERS: (1) Boxing. (2) Niagara Falls. The rim is worn down about 2 and a half feet each year because of the millions of gallons of water that rush over it every minute. (3) Asparagus and rhubarb. (4) Ten times (not eleven, as most people seem to think). (5) Baseball. (6) Strawberry. (7) The pear grew inside the bottle. The bottles are placed over pear buds when they are small, and are wired in place on the tree. The bottle is left in place for the whole growing season. When the pears are ripe, they are snipped off at the stems. (8) Dwarf, dwell, and dwindle. (9) Period, comma, colon, semicolon, dash, hyphen, apostraphe, question mark,exclamation point, quotation marks, brackets, parenthesis, braces, and ellipses. (10) In Minnesota. The team was originally known as the Minneapolis Lakers, and kept the name when they moved west. (11) Batter hit by a pitch; passed ball; catcher interference; catcher drops third strike; fielder's choice; and being designated as a pinch runner. (12) Lettuce. (13) If the catcher drops a called third strike, and doesn't throw the batter out at first base, the runner is safe. (14) Shoes, socks, sandals, sneakers, slippers, skis, showshoes, stockings, and so on.

To: PMS Witch who wrote (2088)	5/8/1999 9:59:00 AM
From: Barney	Respond to of 2733

Subject: Bill, Hill and Al Bill, Hillary, and Al were in an airplane that crashed. They're up in heaven, and God's sitting on the great white throne. God addresses Al first. "Al, what do you believe in?" Al replies, "Well, I believe that the combustion engine is evil and that we need to save the world from CFCs and that if any more freon is used, the whole earth will become a greenhouse and we'll all die." God thinks for a second and says "Okay, I can live with that. Come and sit at my left." God then addresses Bill. "Bill, what do you believe in?" Bill replies, "Well, remembering the last poll I saw, I believe in power to the people. I think people should be able to make their own choices about things and that no one should ever be able to tell someone else what to do.I also believe in feeling people's pain." God thinks for a second and says "Okay, that sounds good. Come and sit at my right." God then address Hillary. "Hillary, what do you believe in?" "I believe you're in my chair."

To: PMS Witch who wrote (2088)	5/8/1999 10:00:00 AM
From: Barney	Respond to of 2733

Deep Thoughts......by Dennis Miller Don't sweat the petty things and Don't pet the sweaty things. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Santa is very jolly because he knows where all the bad girls live. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman where the Self Help section was, she said if she told me it would defeat the purpose. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ And whose cruel idea was it to put an S in the word Lisp? ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ If someone with multiple personalities threatens suicide....is it considered a hostage situation? ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Is there another word for synonym? ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Isn't it scary that doctors call what they do practice? ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Where do forest rangers go to get away from it all? ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ What should you do if you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant? ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Can vegetarians eat animal crackers? ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ If a mime is arrested do they tell him he has the right to talk? ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Why did kamikaze pilots wear helmets? ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Is it true that cannibals won't eat clown because they taste funny? ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ What was the best thing BEFORE sliced bread?

To: PMS Witch who wrote (2088)	5/8/1999 10:02:00 AM
From: Barney	Respond to of 2733

Subject: Rough weekend? An Irishman's been drinking at a pub all night. The bartender finally says that the bar is closing. So the Irishman stands up to leave and falls flat on his face. He tries to stand one more time, same result. He figures he'll crawl outside and get some fresh air and maybe that will sober him up. Once outside he stands up and falls flat on his face. So he decides to crawl the 4 blocks to his home and when he arrives at the door he stands up and falls flat on his face. He crawls through the door into his bedroom. When he reaches his bed he tries one more time to stand up. This time he manages to pull himself upright but he quickly falls right into bed and is sound asleep as soon as his head hits the pillow. He awakens the next morning to his wife standing over him shouting at him. "So, you've been out drinking again!!" "What makes you say that?" He asks as he puts on an innocent look. "The pub called - you left your wheelchair there again."

To: PMS Witch who wrote (2088)	5/8/1999 10:03:00 AM
From: Barney	Read Replies (1) \| Respond to of 2733

Subject: Surgeons Five surgeons are discussing who makes the best patients on which to operate. The first surgeon says, "I like to see accountants on my operating table, because when you open them up, everything inside is numbered." The second responds, "Yeah, but you should try electricians! Everything inside them is color coded." The third surgeon says, "No, I really think librarians are the best; everything inside them is in alphabetical order." The fourth surgeon chimes in: "You know, I like to operate on mechanics;those guys understand when you have a few parts left over at the end, and when the job takes longer than you said it would." But the fifth surgeon shut them all up when he observed: "You're all wrong. Politicians are the easiest to operate on. There's no guts, no heart, and no spine, and their head and butt are interchangeable!"

To: PMS Witch who wrote (2088)	5/8/1999 10:06:00 AM
From: Barney	Respond to of 2733

Stevie Wonder and Jack Nicklaus are in a bar. Stevie mentions that they ought to get together and play a few holes. "You play golf!?" asks Jack. Stevie says, "Yes, I have been playing for years." "But I thought you were blind; how can you play golf if you are blind?" Jack asks. I get my caddie to stand in the middle of the fairway and he calls to me. I listen for the sound of his voice and play the ball towards him, then when I get to where the ball lands the caddie moves to the green or further down the fairway and again I play the ball towards his voice," explains Stevie. "But how do you putt?" Nicklaus wondered. "Well," says Stevie, "I get my caddie to lean down in front of the hole and call to me with his head on the ground and I just play the ball to the sound of his voice." Nicklaus says, "What is your handicap?" "Well, I play off scratch," Stevie assures Jack. Nicklaus is incredulous and says to Stevie, "We must play a game sometime." Wonder replies, "Well, people don't take me seriously so I only play for money, and I never play for less than $100,000 a hole." Nicklaus thinks it over and says, "OK, I'm up for that. When would you like to play?" "I don't care - any night next week is OK with me."

To: PMS Witch who wrote (2088)	5/8/1999 10:09:00 AM
From: Barney	Respond to of 2733

So we were lying on our backs on the grass in the park next to our hamburger wrappers, my 14-year-old son and I, watching the clouds loiter overhead, when he asked me, "Dad, why are we here?" And this is what I said. "I've thought a lot about it, son, and I don't think it's all that complicated. I think maybe we're here just to teach a kid how to bunt, turn two and eat sunflower seeds without using his hands." "We're here to pound the steering wheel and scream as we listen to the game on the radio, 20 minutes after we pulled into the garage. We're here to look all over, give up and then find the ball in the hole." "We're here to watch, at least once, as the pocket collapses around John Elway, and it's fourth-and-never. Or as the count goes to 3 and 1 on Mark McGwire with bases loaded, and the pitcher begins wishing he'd gone onto med school. Or as a little hole you couldn't get a skateboard through suddenly opens in front of Jeff Gordon with a lap to go. "We're here to wear our favorite sweat-soaked Boston Red Sox cap,torn Slippery Rock sweatshirt and the Converses we lettered in, on a Saturday morning with nowhere we have to go and no one special we have to be. "We're here to rake on a jack-high nothin' hand and have nobody know it but us. Or get in at least one really good brawl, get a nice shiner and end up throwing an arm around the guy who gave it to us. "We're here to shoot a six-point elk and finally get the f-stop right, or to tie the perfect fly, make the perfect cast, catch absolutely nothing and still call it a perfect morning. "We're here to nail a yield sign with an apple core from half a block away. We're here to make our dog bite on the same lame fake throw for the gazillionth time. We're here to win the stuffed bear or go broke trying. "I don't think the meaning of life is gnashing our bicuspids over what comes after death but tasting all the tiny moments that come before it. We're here to be the coach when Wendell, the one whose glasses always fog up, finally makes the only perfect backdoor pass all season. We're here to be there when our kid has three goals and an assist. And especially when he doesn't. "We're here to see the Great One setting up behind the net, tying some poor goaltender's neck into a Windsor knot. We're here to watch the Rocket peer in for the sign, two out, bases loaded, bottom of the career. We're here to witness Tiger's lining up the 22-foot double breaker to win and not need his autograph afterward to prove it. "We're here to be able to do a one-and-a-half for our grandkids. Or to stand at the top of our favorite double-black on a double-blue morning and overhear those five wonderful words: 'Highway's closed. Too much snow.' We're here to get the Frisbee to do things that would have caused medieval clergymen to burn us at the stake. "We're here to sprint the last 100 yards and soak our shirts and be so tired we have to sit down to pee. "I don't think we're here to make SportsCenter. The really good stuff never does. Like leaving Wrigley at 4:15 on a perfect summer afternoon and walking straight into Murphy's with half of section 503. Or finding ourselves with a free afternoon, a little red 327 fuel-injected 1962 Corvette convertible and an unopened map of Vermont's backroads. "We're here to get the triple-Dagwood sandwich made, the perfectly frosted malted-beverage mug filled and the football kicked off at the very second your sister begins tying up the phone until Tuesday. "None of us are going to find ourselves on our deathbeds saying, 'Dang, I wish I'd spent more time on the Hibbings account.' We're going to say, 'That scar? I got that scar stealing a home run from Consolidated Plumbers!' "See, grown-ups spend so much time doggedly slaving toward the better car, the perfect house, the big day that will finally make them happy when happy just walked by wearing a bicycle helmet two sizes too big for him. We're not here to find a way to heaven. The way is heaven. Does that answer your question, son?" And he said, "Not really, Dad." And I said, "No?" And he said, "No, what I meant is, why are we here when Mom said to pick her up 40 minutes ago?

To: PMS Witch who wrote (2088)	5/8/1999 10:12:00 AM
From: Barney	Respond to of 2733

Subject: Important Quotes Did you ever notice when you blow in a dog's face he gets mad at you? But when you take him in a car he sticks his head out the window. * Steve Bluestone Have you ever noticed? Anybody going slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac. * George Carlin I'm not into working out. My philosophy: No pain, no pain. * Carol Leifer Ever wonder if illiterate people get the full effect of alphabet soup? * John Mendoza I had a linguistics professor who said that it's man's ability to use language that makes him the dominant species on the planet. That may be. But I think there's one other thing that separates us from animals. We aren't afraid of vacuum cleaners.* Jeff Stilson The statistics on sanity are that one out of every four Americans is suffering from some form of mental illness. Think of your three best friends. If they are okay, then it's you. * Rita Mae Brown I always wanted to be somebody, but I should have been more specific. * Lily Tomlin Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant? I'm halfway through my fishburger and I realize, Oh my....I could be eating a slow learner. *Lynda Montgomery

To: PMS Witch who wrote (2088)	5/8/1999 10:14:00 AM
From: Barney	Respond to of 2733

Subject: Potential VS Reality A kid comes home from school with a writing assignment. He asks his father for help. "Dad, can you tell me the difference between potential and reality?" His father looks up, thoughtfully, and says, "I'll demonstrate it for you. Go ask your mother if she would sleep with Robert Redford for a million dollars. Then go ask your sister if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars. Then come back and tell me what you've learned." The kid is puzzled, but he decides to see if he can figure out what his father means. He asks his mother, "Mom, if someone gave you a million dollars, would you sleep with Robert Redford?" His mother looks around slyly, and then with a little smile on her face says, "Don't tell your father, but yes, I would." Then he goes to his sisters room and asks, "Sis, if someone gave you a million dollars, would you sleep with Brad Pitt?" His sister looks up and says, "Omigod! Definitely!" The kid goes back to his father and says, "Dad, I think I've figured it out. Potentially, we are sitting on two million bucks, but in reality, we are living with two tramps."

To: PMS Witch who wrote (2088)	5/8/1999 10:16:00 AM
From: Barney	Read Replies (1) \| Respond to of 2733

Subject: Abuse of language, It has been brought to management's attention that some individuals throughout the company have been using foul language during the course of normal conversation with their coworkers. Due to complaints received from some employees who may be easily offended, this type of language will no longer be tolerated. We do however realize the critical importance of being able to accurately express your feelings when communicating with co-workers, therefore, a list of preferred new phrases has been provided so that proper exchange of ideas and information can continue in an effective manner without risk of offending our more sensitive employees. ---