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Pastimes : Jokes -- Ignore unavailable to you. Want to Upgrade?

To: Adelantado who wrote (2123)	5/13/1999 2:46:00 AM
From: Barney	Respond to of 2733

Camping In case anyone is considering doing some camping this summer, please note the following public service announcement: In Alaska, tourists are warned to wear tiny bells on their clothing when hiking in bear country. The bells warn away MOST bears. Tourists are also cautioned to watch the ground on the trail, paying particular attention to bear droppings to be alert for the presence of Grizzly Bears. One can tell a Grizzly dropping because it has tiny bells in it...

To: Adelantado who wrote (2123)	5/13/1999 2:48:00 AM
From: Barney	Respond to of 2733

New Square Dance: Up With The Petticoat, Down With The Pants. In With The Pecker, Everybody Dance. Girls With Rags On, Up Against The Walls. Guys With A Hard On, Promenade The Halls. Girls Grab Your Partners Firmly By The Balls. Drag Him Down The Length Of The Halls. Make Him Holler, Make Him Shout. Put Your Pretty Ass Up Against His Snout First Lady Go Second Lady Pass Third Lady's Finger Up The Fourth Guy's Ass Finger Out Promenade The Halls Now Release The Poor Guy's Balls Then Down With The Petticoat Up With The Pants This Is The End Of The New Square Dance!

To: Adelantado who wrote (2123)	5/13/1999 2:52:00 AM
From: Barney	Respond to of 2733

Moms and Understanding Computers: For years I badgered my mother with questions about whether Santa Claus is a real person or not. Her answer was always "Well, you asked for the presents and they came, didn't they?" I finally understood the full meaning of her reply when I heard the definition of a virtual device: "A software or hardware entity which responds to commands in a manner indistinguishable from the real device." Mother was telling me that Santa Claus is a virtual person (simulated by loving parents) who responds to requests from children in a manner indistinguishable from the real saint. Mother also taught the IF ... THEN ... ELSE structure: "If it's snowing, then put your boots on before you go to school; otherwise just wear your shoes." Mother explained the difference between batch and transaction processing: "We'll wash the white clothes when we get enough of them to make a load, but we'll wash these socks out right now by hand because you'll need them this afternoon." Mother taught me about linked lists. Once, for a birthday party, she laid out a treasure hunt of ten hidden clues, with each clue telling where to find the next one, and the last one leading to the treasure. She then gave us the first clue. Mother understood about parity errors. When she counted socks after doing the laundry, she expected to find an even number and groaned when only one sock of a pair emerged from the washing machine. Later she applied the principles of redundancy engineering to this problem by buying our socks three identical pairs at a time. This greatly increased the odds of being able to come up with at least one matching pair. Mother had all of us children writes then mailed in a single envelope with a single stamp. This was obviously an instance of blocking records in order to save money by reducing the number of physical I/O operations. Mother used flags to help her manage the housework.Whenever she turned on the stove, she put a potholder on top of her purse to reminder herself to turn it off again before leaving the house. Mother knew about devices which raise an interrupt signal to be serviced when they have completed any operation. She had a whistling teakettle. Mother understood about LIFO ordering. In my lunch bag she put the dessert on the bottom, the sandwich in the middle, and the napkin on top so that things would come out in the right order at lunchtime. There is an old story that God knew He couldn't be physically present everywhere at once, to show His love for His people, and so He created mothers. That is the difference between centralized and distributed processing. As any kid who's ever misbehaved at a neighbor's house finds out, all the mothers in the neighborhood talk to each other. That's a local area network of distributed processors that can't be beat. ~Author Unknown

To: Adelantado who wrote (2123)	5/13/1999 2:55:00 AM
From: Barney	Read Replies (1) \| Respond to of 2733

God's Gifts To Adam One day The Lord spoke to Adam. "I've got some good news and some bad news," The Lord said. Adam looked at The Lord and replied, "Well, give me the good news first." Smiling, The Lord explained, "I've got two new organs for you, one is called a brain. It will allow you to create new things, solve problems, and have intelligent conversations with Eve. The other organ I have for you is called a penis. It will give you great physical pleasure and allow you to reproduce your now intelligent life form and populate this planet. Eve will be very happy that you now have this organ to give her children." Adam, very excited, exclaimed, "These are great gifts you have given to me. What could possibly be bad news after such great tidings?" The Lord looked upon Adam and said with great sorrow, "You will never be able to use these two gifts at the same time."