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Pastimes : Jokes -- Ignore unavailable to you. Want to Upgrade?

To: John Messbauer who wrote (2154)	5/18/1999 9:54:00 PM
From: Dayuhan	Read Replies (1) \| Respond to of 2733

Two dogs sitting in the vet's waiting room started talk about what they were there for. The first had a sad story. "I spent the whole day romping with the kids, fetching sticks, running around, and all that stuff" he moaned. "That night, some people broke in and stole a bunch of stuff. They bought me as a watchdog, and now they're so pissed off that they're having me put to sleep". The second dog told his story. "My owner is a hot chick, and she always walks around in a short dress with no underwear on. This morning she bent over to get something out of a cabinet, and I couldn't resist; I jumped on her and rammed it home." "Wow" said the first dog, "are you getting put to sleep too?" "Nah", came the reply, "I'm just getting my nails done."

To: John Messbauer who wrote (2154)	5/19/1999 9:45:00 AM
From: Barney	Respond to of 2733

Maria had just gotten married and being a traditional Italian, she was still a virgin. On her wedding night, staying at her mother's house, she was nervous. But her mother reassured her. "Don't worry, Maria. Tony's a good man. Go upstairs and he'll take care of you." So up she went. When she got upstairs, Tony took off his shirt and exposed his hairy chest. Maria ran downstairs to her mother and said, "Mama, Mama, Tony's got a big hairy chest." "Don't worry, Maria," said her mother," all good men have hairy chests. Go upstairs. He'll take good care of you." Up she went again. When she got up in the bedroom, Tony took off his pants exposing his hairy legs. Again, Maria ran downstairs to her mother, "Mama, Mama, Tony took off his pants and he's got hairy legs!" "Don't worry. All good men have hairy legs. Tony's a good man. Go up stairs and he'll take good care of you." Up she went again. When she got up there, Tony took off his socks and on his left foot he was missing three toes. When Maria saw this, she ran downstairs. "Mama, Mama, Tony's got a foot and a half!" "Stay here and stir the pasta," said her mother. "This is a job for Mama."

To: John Messbauer who wrote (2154)	5/19/1999 9:46:00 AM
From: Barney	Respond to of 2733

15 INSPIRATIONAL IDEAS 1. Rome did not create a great empire by having meetings; they did it by killing all those who opposed them. 2. If you can stay calm, while all around you is chaos... then you probably haven't completely understood the seriousness of the situation. 3. Doing a job RIGHT the first time gets the job done. Doing the job WRONG fourteen times gives you job security. 4. Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines. 5. Artificial Intelligence is no match for Natural Stupidity 6. A person who smiles in the face of adversity... probably has a scapegoat. 7. Plagiarism saves time. 8. TEAMWORK...means never having to take all the blame yourself. 9. The beatings will continue until morale improves. 10. Never underestimate the power of very stupid people in large groups. 11. We waste time, so you don't have to. 12. Go the extra mile. It makes your boss look like an incompetent slacker. 13. INDECISION is the key to FLEXIBILITY. 14. Succeed in spite of management. 15. Aim Low, Reach Your Goals, Avoid Disappointment.

To: John Messbauer who wrote (2154)	5/20/1999 2:07:00 AM
From: fatheroz	Respond to of 2733

"KNOCK IT OFF, YOU JERK! It's two AM!", After driving most of the night, a sleepy driver pulls his car to the side of the road, and settles back for a snooze. Just after he dozes off, there's a loud 'TAP TAP TAP' on his window, and an early-morning jogger, running in place, asks the man, "DO YOU KNOW WHAT TIME IT IS?" 6:45, the man tells him and settles back. Again, just before he falls asleep... TAP TAP TAP... another jogger, "DO YOU KNOW WHAT TIME IT IS?"... "6:55!" he shouts. PO'd at this point, he makes a little sign that says ' I DO NOT KNOW WHAT TIME IT IS!' props it up in the window, and settles back... Just as he falls asleep, ...TAP TAP TAP... grrrr.. he opens one eye and squints over to see a jogger, running in place, pointing at his watch, and mouthing the words.. "IT'S 7:05!!"

To: John Messbauer who wrote (2154)	5/21/1999 1:12:00 AM
From: Barney	Respond to of 2733

THE PERFECT HUSBAND... A rich, lonely widow decided that she needed another man in her life. She placed a personal ad which read: RICH WIDOW LOOKING FOR MAN TO SHARE LIFE AND FORTUNE, MUST MEET THESE QUALIFICATIONS: >>> 1. WON'T BEAT ME UP >>> 2. WON'T RUN AWAY >>> 3. HAS TO BE GREAT IN BED For several months, her phone rang off the hook, her doorbell was ringing constantly, she received tons of mail, etc., all to no avail. None of the men seemed to meet her qualifications. Then one day the doorbell rang yet again. She opened the door to find a man, with no arms and no legs, lying on the welcome mat. Perplexed, she asked "Who are you and what do you want?" "Hi," said the man "Your search is over, for I am the man of your dreams. I've got no arms, so I can't beat you up and I've got no legs, so I can't run away." The old woman asked "What makes you think you're so great in bed?" To which he replied, "I rang the doorbell, didn't I?"

To: John Messbauer who wrote (2154)	5/22/1999 11:42:00 PM
From: Karin	Read Replies (1) \| Respond to of 2733

A Husband and Wife go to the hospital to deliver their child. The doctor meets them and tells them that he has a new system that will allow the father to take part or all of the mothers labor pains. They both agree and the delivery begins. The doctor turns the dial to 10%, so that the father will take 10% of the mothers pain. The husband says he feels fine, so the doctor puts it up a notch. The husband still feels fine, so the doctor puts it up to 30%. The husband still feels fine, so it goes up to 50%. The husband tells the doctor to go ahead and put it up to 100%. The husband still feels fine and the child is delivered and the wife felt virtually no pain at all. They both go back home with their child, where they find the mailman dead on their steps.