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Pastimes : Let's Talk About Our Feelings!!! -- Ignore unavailable to you. Want to Upgrade?

To: Edwarda who wrote (38309)	5/19/1999 1:07:00 PM
From: Father Terrence	Read Replies (1) \| Respond to of 108807

PRESIDENT MAKES ASTOUNDING ANNOUNCEMENT... Elliot's Business News Service (May 19, 1999): In an unprecedented reversal of public policy today, President Clinton announced that the U.S. government would drop all charges and allegations against the U.S. tobacco industry, retroactive to 1959. At a news conference held at Philip Morris' corporate headquarters, the President expressed "sincere regrets on behalf of the FDA and the U.S. government" for inconveniencing the tobacco industry for the past three decades. "It was unconscionable for us and our predecessors to impede and unjustly vilify the American tobacco business for so long a period of time," President Clinton said, somberly. "The tobacco industry has been unjustly singled out and punished as no other industry since Prohibition. The taxes and levies on tobacco sales constitute nothing less than a discriminatory tax upon the poorest segments of the American populace." The President outlined specific unilateral measures the government intends to implement to rectify years of injustice: "All existing and pending cases against American tobacco companies are hereby dropped. Any outstanding claims brought by the individual states or U.S. citizens are to be considered null and void. Any and all judgments outstanding are, as of today, declared totally unenforceable. "As a further sign of good faith," proclaimed the President, "the federal government intends to reimburse the tobacco industry for the full value of the legal expenses it has unnecessarily incurred for the past 30 years, plus interest. Additionally, any and all bans on tobacco advertising are hereby withdrawn. Tobacco ads, free from any warnings, may now be shown on television, even during Saturday morning cartoons. Government-subsidized cigar, cigarette, snuff and plug tobacco vending machines will be permanently installed in hospitals, nursing homes and all public buildings, including primary and preschools." The Attorney General detailed a Clinton administration proposal for a special tax incentive package for cigarette manufacturers and tobacco farmers that would, in effect, make them tax exempt for the next 50 years. President Clinton said he had instructed the Vice President and the entire Cabinet to light up during all future press conferences as a symbol of his new support of the beleaguered tobacco industry. The President pledged to wear an oversized, flashing Joe Camel lapel pin as a sign of solidarity with persecuted smokers everywhere. At one point during the news conference, the President produced a pouch of Red Man chewing tobacco from his suit jacket pocket, waved it to the stunned audience, and shoved a huge wad into his left cheek. When it generated sufficient juice, he spit a sizable stream on an enlarged copy of the last piece of restrictive legislation passed by the Senate. President Clinton held up the soiled document and pledged in Kennedyesque fashion, "Ich bin ein nicotein-er!" Lastly, the President called for the immediate ban of all sales of Nikoban and other products designed to reduce the craving for cigarettes. Existing inventories of such products would be confiscated and destroyed in public to prove the government's determination in supporting the legitimate tobacco industry…