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Pastimes : The Naked Truth - Big Kahuna a Myth -- Ignore unavailable to you. Want to Upgrade?

To: Alias Shrugged who wrote (42708)	5/25/1999 9:20:00 AM
From: wlheatmoon	Read Replies (1) \| Respond to of 86076

WHACK!! :-) Way off TOpic-- HOW TO SING THE BLUES > > (attrib. to Memphis Earlene Gray with help from Uncle Plunky) > > 1. Most blues begin "woke up this morning." > > 2. "I got a good woman" is a bad way to begin the blues, unless you > stick something nasty in the next line. > > I got a good woman-- > with the meanest dog in town. > > 3. Blues are simple. After you have the first line right, repeat it. > Then find something that rhymes. Sort of. > > Got a good woman > with the meanest dog in town. > He got teeth like Margaret Thatcher > and he weighs about 500 pounds. > > 4. The blues are not about limitless choice. > > 5. Blues cars are Chevies and Cadillacs. Other acceptable blues > transportation is a Greyhound bus or a southbound train. Walkin' > plays a major part in the blues lifestyle. So does fixin' to die. > > 6. Teenagers can't sing the blues. Adults sing the blues. Blues > adulthood means old enough to get the electric chair if you > shoot a man in Memphis. > > 7. You can have the blues in New York City, but not in Brooklyn or > Queens. Hard times in Vermont or North Dakota are just a > depression. Chicago, St. Louis and Kansas City are still the > best places to have the blues. > > 8. The following colors do not belong in the blues: > a. violet > b. beige > c. mauve > > 9. You can't have the blues in an office or a shopping mall, the > lighting is wrong. > > 10. Good places for the Blues: > a. the highway > b. the jailhouse > c. the empty bed > > Bad places: > a. Ashrams > b. Gallery openings > c. weekend in the Hamptons > > 11. No one will believe it's the blues if you wear a suit, unless you > happen to be an old black man. > > 12. Do you have the right to sing the blues? > Yes, if: > a. your first name is a southern state -- like Georgia > b. you're blind > c. you shot a man in Memphis. > d. you can't be satisfied. > > No, if: > a. you were once blind but now can see. > b. you're deaf > c. you have a trust fund. > > 13. Neither Julio Iglesias nor Barbra Streisand can sing the blues. > > 14. If you ask for water and baby gives you gasoline, it's the blues. > Other blues beverages are: > a. wine > b. Irish whiskey > c. muddy water > > Blues beverages are NOT: > a. Any mixed drink > b. Any wine kosher for Passover > c. Yoo Hoo (all flavors) > > 15. If it occurs in a cheap motel or a shotgun shack, it's a blues > death. Stabbed in the back by a jealous lover is a blues way to > die. So is the electric chair, substance abuse, or being denied > treatment in an emergency room. It is not a blues death, if you > die during a liposuction treatment. > > 16. Some Blues names for Women > a. Sadie > b. Big Mama > c. Bessie > > 17A. Some Blues Names for Men > a. Joe > b. Willie > c. Little Willie > d. Lightning > > Persons with names like Sierra or Sequoia will not be permitted > to sing the blues no matter how many men they shoot in Memphis. > > 17B. Other Blues Names (Starter Kit) > a. Name of Physical infirmity (Blind, Crippled, Asthmatic) > b. First name (see 17A above) or name of fruit (Lemon, Lime, Kiwi) > c. Last Name of President (Jefferson, Johnson, Fillmore, etc.)