More on Genetic Engineering, The Meaning of the Universe, etc.
Here is a slightly bowdlerized version of the kind of thing that makes ME laugh (which only shows how perverted my sense of humor is):
Monday, May 31, 1999
THE WASHINGTON PISSED
Lexus Chainsaw Massacre
by HC
In this new video game from Hasbro or
whoever, you drive around the great
thoroughfares of the world in a beat-up
old SUV with a chainsaw in back. You
drive and drive and drive until you finally
spot a Lexus going in the opposite
direction, at which point you immediately
execute a stunning one-eighty
controlled-drift U-turn across median
strips and all kinds of other perverse impediments in heavy traffic in the fog
and rain, and chase it and, despite sideswiping a hearts game where somebody
with too much hubris or the masochism gene is shooting the moon on queen,
nine, three, eventually catch it and chainsaw the living <bleep> out of its stylish
elegance or whatever. 5 points.
When you accumulate 100 points in this fashion, you are automatically
promoted to president of IBM or Boeing, but the day after your swearing-in
ceremony where people are picking their noses and staring at sub-atomic flecks
of crystal meth under their fingernails as you take the oath of office, the press is
already writing subtly destructive articles about you like:
IBM or Boeing bets store on online surgery
being killer app
Eyes shut and eating non-genetically engineered food
as she spoke, IBM or Boeing president, Rebecca
Sunnybrook, today announced the formation of the
Let's Learn By-Pass Surgery on the Internet
Institute, a $57-billion research initiative that
will bring together experts in academia and industry
to address the problem of teaching people how to
give each other quadruple by-pass surgery over the
internet in their living rooms, and the problem of
life itself suddenly being more unavoidable than
death itself. And of how not even swallowing 4
triple AAA batteries (not included) is enough
anymore.
"This is a serious problem," said Sunnybrook, at
3AM, acid-taking time, "and blah blah blah."
The "blah blah blah" is taken from the universal
language which, by definition, everybody in the
universe understands except you, and is merely a way
to add emphasis to what the speaker was thinking but
unwilling to say for fear of reprisals against
somebody else who looks like her and walks and talks
and thinks and is pissed off like her but is NOT
her, so why should she suffer MORE than Christ and
her, put together?
Anyway, you are unfazed by the article, the virulence of which only makes you
stronger, and immediately you launch into supercomputer-scale processing
initiatives that combine massive computation and sophisticated software
algorithms. But the <bleeped>-out press just says, like, hey, what's up with that?
Stupidly, you still want to include optimization, simulation, and visualization,
as well as advanced pattern matching and discovery.
Suddenly the room you are in goes all wacky. It has apparently been a Trojan
horse or trapdoor for the game all along and has secretly stored the digitized
recording of a deeply human phoneme in your cookie file to jump out
unexpectedly, one day, at what its neural nets determine is the most
inopportune time.
As a result, you are deceived into swallowing the same 4 triple AAA batteries
which you accused of being not really enough anymore, but of course you were
misquoted in that article, and misunderstood and no reporter even talked to
you, and instead just made it all up out of old journalism articles, old movies,
and his <bleep>.
You wake up in a hospital where genetically engineered surgeons are very
nonchalantly backing out tenth-story plate glass windows in the rain just as
they're preparing to sew you back up.
When they hit the street, it's night and there's nothing but empty warehouses
on two sides and the bay on the third, lapping at the dock only a few yards
away.
Frogmen appear from the bay side and take the wounded surgeons to their
hover craft.
To be continued...
Without them, now, the stock market crashes.
The earth is thrown into a turmoil as all its markets for air evaporate.
Nobody wants to hear air guitar anymore or play air golf or air tennis. Or have
an air war or air sex. Or breathe air air.
When you finally leave the hospital it turns out they didn't have the Singer
Handy Stitch (TM) mender so they had to use the Singer Button Magic (TM)
button stitcher to sew you up instead, so you now have buttons all up and
down your former incisions. But don't worry. These will just become a natural
part of your flesh. Or vice versa. 7 points.
You sit down at one of the tables outside Manny's or whoever's and glance at
the trades. All top 10 box office grossing films of the past week have "ate my
<bleeps>" in their title. Preceded by the name of their star. And all their blurbs say,
"Lives up to its title!!!"
You try to re-orient yourself by glancing at the headlines other people are
reading the stories to, at nearby tables, in the rain:
All movies must now have "ate my <bleeps>" in title,
censorship committee rules.
The Joint censorship committee today ruled that....
Life apparently just a metaphor, study finds
A study by the Is Life Just a Metaphor Institute today found that, indeed,
so-called life really is just a so-called <bleeping> metaphor for something else
which is beyond the scope of this study and this institute.
Tae Bo dummy takes impressive lead in
Presidential primary race
A Tae Bo punching dummy, called "Gerd" by Tae Bo founder, former action
star, Billy blanks, today....
Staggering around drunk on your ass, just a
metaphor, study finds
The Institute for the Study of Whether Staggering Around Drunk On Your Ass
Is Just A Metaphor today released its findings that, indeed, staggering around
drunk on your ass really is just a metaphor for something other than itself.
Study findings suspect, study finds
A study by the Institute for the Study of Study Findings found today that...
Anti-missile missile blows itself up
An anti-missile missile, today...
People who think they have a million ideas, only
really have one or two, study finds
A recent study conducted at MIT of 100 people who kept saying "I got a million
ideas" has found that 48.7% of these people only really had, like 1 or 2 ideas at
best. The remaining 51.3% had no ideas whatsoever.
c3f.com
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