Enough gloom! "the only thing we have to fear is fear itself." Below is a request from my neice in D.C. whose husband runs a painting business and following it is my response (we live in a sadDAM world):
Well, life around here is never boring!!!! They (fairfax county schools) are recommending the meeting places again along with all kinds of other "emergency supplies". I only have a P.O. Box for your address. Just
wondered (if it is still okay) if I could get your actual street address. Then I will go on Map
Quest and print out directions for both John and I to your house, in case we should be evacuated.
They sent a note home saying that if we are attacked chemically that the schools will not let the
kids leave. No parents will be allowed to pick them up until it is safe. That is a scary
thought. At any rate, I would never leave without them, so I don't know that we would show up. I
just feel better knowing that we both know where we can find each other.
Dear XXXX,
In a panic/terrorist attack, take these steps::
step 1 - Establish mood of organized panic. when mapquest doesn't respond (blown up/no
electricity or paralyzed by requests from little Buck's war-loving republican coterie) and you
can't find a single copy of the 2000 printouts you made and placed in strategic places. do you
have a full tank of gas? or are you carrying family bicycles? all sorts of questions, but stay
calm and don't forget the kids.
Step 2 - look outside. if street littered with bodies and/or car and vans are all glowing in dark,
get family into radiation gear and gas masks before exiting to escape pod vehicle.
Step 3 - Roads will be clogged so you need a gimmick. buy a red flashing stick-on roof light for
one of john's paint vans (no windows) and put signs with "HOMELAND SECURITY EMERGENCY REPUBLICAN
PAINT SERVICE" on both sides and roof. This will get you through the establishment checkpoints out of the
capitol area.
step 3 - oops. calm down. Pin on your "GO BUSH JUNIOR" buttons, load the van with three cases of
budweiser (a precaution which will become clearer in step 5) and proceed to step 4.
step 4 - drive south on local roads. DO NOT get on Rte 95 as it will be filled with republican
lemmings and the myriad of young people who passed the Virginia SOL tests with scores sufficiently
high to meet the Bush-revered Hitler youth IQ standards. IF you need to ask directions, preface
your question with: "What do you think of Virginia's SOL tests?" if the questionee gives a
positive answer or reveals any reverence for the SOL tests or George Allen or Gilmore, move on to
someone else. the last thing you need is ignorance. Notwithstanding, you can ask to siphon their
gas if you are short. simply tell them that distributing fuel to more vehicles will save lives and
that you are republicans. But only do this if you have conspicuous gun racks, a "JESUS SAVES
BUT ONLY REPUBLICANS" bumper sticker, and a "child aboard" sticker
on the window. an old Ollie North campaign sticker will do in a pinch.
step 5 - Once you are on a two lane road south and east of fredricksburg (IN one of GOD's
COUNTIES), pull over and mount a deer's head or antlers on the front of the van. preferably
within sight of the gun rack. this will get you through the redneck terrorist checkpoints that
spring up in national emergencies. If asked for your destination, say "Bringin' some cold bruskies
to bubba's place in Mathews". show them the cases of beer. If you are convincing, this will get
you an escort pickup truck loaded with armed men wearing John Deere caps.
Step 6 - If you have succeeded in steps 1 to 5, you will be in Mathews courthouse in record time.
From there, it's easy. simply yada yada yada. |
