3 Jokes
A man dressed in a suit comes up to the front porch of house juggling a
clipboard, some papers, and a briefcase. He knocks on the door and it's
answered by a middle-aged man, "Mornin' stranger, what can I do for ya?".
"Well sir, I represent Schneller, Barnum, and Holtz. We're paid by private
companies to canvas thousands of consumers like yourself for feedback on
their products. Today we're soliciting comments on Vaseline petroleum jelly.
Would you have time to answer just a couple of questions?"
"I don't see how a couple of questions could hurt, fire away young man",
says the homeowner.
Looking down at his clipboard, the survey-taker asks, "Okay...first, you do
use Vaseline, correct?".
"Yessir, for as long as I can remember".
"Great, now what exactly do you use it for?" replies the survey-taker with
his pen poised over his clipboard, ready to record the answer.
"Let's see.....we use it for dry skin, chapped lips, and sex."
The well-dressed man stops writing abruptly. He looks around, leans forward
and in a low voice says "We pride ourselves in being very thorough sir. I
know how you'd use Vaseline for dry skin and chapped lips. But would you
mind telling me how you use it for sex?"
"No problem," the homeowner says in a whisper, "we put it on our bedroom
doorknob".
The survey-taker gets a strange look on his face and takes a step backwards
before the homeowner continues, "It keeps the kids out".
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A woman went to her doctor for a follow-up visit after the doctor had
prescribed testosterone (a male hormone) for her. She was a little worried
about some of the side effects she was experiencing.
"Doctor, the hormones you've been giving me have really helped, but I'm
afraid that you're giving me too much. I've started growing hair in places
that I've never grown hair before."
The doctor reassured her. "A little hair growth is a perfectly normal side
effect of testosterone. Just where has this hair appeared?"
"On my balls."
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A Bible study group was discussing the unforeseen possibility of their
sudden death. The leader of the discussion said, "We will all die some day,
and none of us really know when, but if we did we would all do a better job
of preparing ourselves for that inevitable event." Everybody nodded their
heads in agreement with this comment. Then the leader said to the group,
"What would you do if you knew you only had 4 weeks of life remaining before
your death, and then the Great Judgment Day?" One gentleman said, "I would
go out into my community and minister the Gospel to those that have not yet
accepted the Lord into their lives." "Very good," said the group leader, and
all the group members agreed that would be a very good thing to do. One lady
spoke up and said enthusiastically, "I would dedicate all of my remaining
time to serving God, my family, my church, and my fellow man with a greater
conviction."
"That's wonderful!" the group leader commented, and all the group members
agreed that would be a very good thing to do. But one gentleman in the back
finally spoke up loudly and said, "I would go to my mother-in-law's house
for the 4 weeks." Everyone was puzzled by this answer, and the group leader
asked, "Why your mother-in-law's home?" Then the gentleman smiled
sarcastically and said, "Because, that would be the longest 4 weeks of my
life!" |
