A woman died and found herself standing outside the Pearly Gates, being
greeted by St. Peter. She asked him, "Oh, is this place what I really think
it is? It's so beautiful. Did I really make it to heaven?"
To which St. Peter replied, "Yes, my dear, these are the Gates to Heaven.
But you must do one more thing before you can enter." The woman was very
excited, and asked of St. Peter what she must do to pass through the gates.
"Spell a word," St. Peter replied.
"What word?" she asked.
"Any word," answered St. Peter. "It's your choice."
The woman promptly replied, "Then the word I will spell is love. L-o-v-e."
St. Peter congratulated her on her good fortune to have made it to Heaven,
and asked her if she would mind taking his place at the gates for a few
minutes while he went to the bathroom. "I'd be honored," she said, "but
what should I do if someone comes while you are gone?"
St. Peter reassured her, and instructed the woman simply have any newcomers
to the Pearly Gates to spell a word as she had done. So the woman is left
sitting in St. Peter's chair and watching the beautiful angels soaring
around her, when lo and behold, a man approaches the gates, and she realizes
it is her husband.
"What happened?" she cried, "Why are you here?"
Her husband stared at her for a moment, then said, "I was so upset when I
left your funeral, I was in an accident. And now I am here? Did I really
make it to Heaven?"
To which the woman replied, "Not yet. You must spell a word first."
"What word?" he asked.
The woman responded, "Czechoslovakia.
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A country fellow was looking at a small parcel of land attached to a
farm, and told the owner, "I like this piece of land but looks to me that
it would have a lot of mosquitoes." The land owner said, "There are no
mosquitoes on this place and tell what I'll do. You agree to be tied to a
post there in the middle of the land naked and spend the night, and the
next day, if you have a mosquito bite, I will give you the land if there
is none you pay my price." The buyer agrees, and is tied to the post.
The next morning the farmer arrives and starts inspecting the buyer and
Sees no bites on him but does notice that he is exhausted and real pale. The
buyer raises his head wearily and says, "To hell with the bites .... ain't
that calf got no mommy?"
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Did you hear that they have raised the minimum drinking age in Georgia
to 32?
It seems they want to keep alcohol out of the high schools!
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The contemplative routine of the convent was being disrupted by the presence
of workmen converting the electrical service from overhead lines to buried
cable. Mother Superior called the electric company's complaint department to
ask for help.
"The profanity these men use constantly is unsuitable for our community. You
must make them stop cursing so much," said the nun.
"Very well, sister. But you must make allowances for their habits. Even when
they are trying to be tactful, they will still tend to call a spade a spade,"
said the company spokeswoman.
Mother superior then observed, "I think the term they actually use is 'fucking
shovel.'"
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Happy Anniversary
I have been happily married for 10 years -- 10 out of 36 ain't bad at all.
My wife asked what I wanted to do to observe the occasion and I
suggested two minutes of silence.
I was a more than a little worried at the ceremony though. When
the Minister asked if anyone objected to our marriage, about 145
people from her side of the Church got in line.
Before we were married my future wife used to always say, "You're only
interested in one thing." Trouble is now though, after 36 years, I've forgotten what the hell it was.
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