Here's a question -
Have you ever wanted to enjoy a nice piece of gum, BUT LACKED
THE ENERGY TO CHEW IT?!?
In today's hectic, fast-paced world, life is a dizzying whirlwind of
repetition...
Work, family, work, family, work, breakdown, work, family, work,
family, breakdown, work, work, work, family, work...
Sometimes it can all be so draining, we barely have enough energy
to drag ourselves through our soul-crushing daily routine, let alone
move our jaws rhythmically!
Well, the days of toiling at a piece of hard, unforgiving gum as tears
stream down your quivering face are about to come to an end,
because--
PRE-CHEWED GUM IS HERE!!
That's right! Now, you'll be able to enjoy the sensation of chewing
gum without the painful aggravation of applying pressure with your
teeth!
With PRE-CHEWED GUM, all of the work has been done for you! All
that's left for you to do is pop the soft, wet mass into your mouth
and enjoy, enjoy, ENJOY!!
The magic of PRE-CHEWED GUM starts right here in Bartonville,
Louisiana, where young Herman Salvigado chews 15,000 pieces of
gum a day, and seals them in tiny plastic cannisters as soon as he
removes them from his churning, slavering maw.
How does young Herman's mouth produce the saliva necessary to
masticate and moisten so many pieces of gum?
Simple! Herman is a GLANDULAR MISFIT!!! Born with salivary glands
15 times as powerful as an ordinary human (after all, Salvigado can
be rearranged to spell "Saliva God"), Herman can chew, chew, chew,
all day long, and pass the benefits of his freakish body chemistry on
to you, the consumer!
PRE-CHEWED GUM comes in three "After-Tastes":
Used-To-Be Strawberry
Pre-Slimed Lime
Backwash Bubble
At only $24.95 per wad-packed cannister, you can't NOT afford to
buy PRE-CHEWED GUM now!!
To order, simply call 555-555-9432, and ask for Herman. If you
can't understand a word he says, don't worry, he's preparing your
order!!!
You may be asking yourself...PRE-CHEWED GUM?!?!
Well, we've got an answer for you...PRE-CHEWED GUM!!!
ORDER NOW!!!!
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