Alot of Jokes below
This elderly couple is watching one of those television preachers on TV one night. The preacher faces the camera, and announces, "My friends, I'd like to share my healing powers with everyone watching this program. Place one hand on top of your TV & the other hand on the part of your body which ails you & I will heal you."
The old woman has been having terrible stomach problems, so she places one hand on the television, and her other hand on her stomach. Meanwhile, her husband approaches the television, placing one hand on top of the TV and his other hand on his groin. With a frown his wife says, "Ernest, he's talking about healing the sick, not raising the dead.
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A man was sitting at a bar, morosely staring at his untouched beer. The bartender walked over with a sigh, and asked "What's the problem, pal?"
"My brother just told me that there's a sperm bank in his neighborhood that pays $40 for a donation."
"Yeah, so?"
"Don't you realize?" the man cried. "I've let a fortune slip through my fingers!"
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One day Little Susie got her "monthly bleeding" for the first time in her life. Having failed to understand what was going on and being really frightened, she decided to share her
trouble with little Johnny.
Having found Johnny she told and showed him what her problem was.
Johnny's face grew serious and he said,
"You know, I'm not a doctor, but it looks like someone just ripped your balls off!"
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"I'm ashamed of you," the mother said. "Fighting with your
best friend is a terrible thing to do."
"He threw a rock at me!" the boy said. "So I threw one at
him."
"When he threw a rock at you, you should have come to me."
"What good would that have done? My aim is much better
than yours."
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One Halloween this woman opens her door to find the most adorable little
girl, with golden blond curly hair and the biggest blue eyes.
She was dressed as an Angel, and was just delightful. The woman said, "what
are you supposed to say sweetheart?"
The little girl looks up at the woman and says "Twick or Tweat!"
The woman thinks this is just adorable, and she calls her husband
to come to the door. The woman say to the child,
"Go ahead honey say it just one more time."
Once again the little Angel looks up and says, "Twick or Tweat!"
The husband agrees with his wife, this little Angel is just the cutest thing.
The woman picks an apple from the Treat Bowl, shines it up with her apron,
and drops it into the little girl's Treat Bag.
The little Angel looks in her bag then looks up at the woman and says,
"Thanks a lot bitch, you just bwoke my fwiggin' cookies!"
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A very attractive young woman goes to the doctor for an examination. After thoroughly examining her ,the Dr. says "You are in excellent health except for those bruises on your knees. They seem to be developing into calluses. Can you tell me where they are coming from"
The young woman starts to blush and says" I guess they have to do with my sexual activity. Whenever we make love we do it doggie style.
"Well that should be easy to take care of" the Dr. says "Surely you must know other ways to have sexual intercourse!"
"Oh! Yes, I do," says the woman, "but the dog doesn't!"
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Q: What do Rednecks do for Halloween? A: Pump kin.
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----------------Men could only dream this were true...
The mother-in-law stopped unexpectedly by the recently-married
couple's house. She rang the doorbell and stepped into the house
to see her daughter-in-law standing naked by the door.
"What are you doing?" the mother-in-law asked.
"I am waiting for my husband to come home from work." the
daughter-in-law replied.
"Why are you naked?" asked the mother-in-law.
"This is my love dress" the daughter-in-law replied.
"LOVE DRESS! You are naked." said the mother-in-law
"But my husband loves it when I wear this dress. It makes him
happy and he makes me happy." said the daughter-in-law.
"I would appreciate your leaving now because my husband will be
home any minute." The daughter-in-law continued.
Soured by all of this romantic stuff, the mother-in-law left. On
the way home she thought about the "LOVE DRESS" and got an idea.
She undressed, showered, applied her best perfume and waited by
the door for her husband to come home.
Finally the pickup truck drove up the drive way and she took her
place by the door. The father-in-law opened the door and
immediately saw his wife naked by the door.
"What are you doing?" he asked.
"This is my love dress" the mother-in-law replied.
"Maybe you should iron it!" he replied.
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This guy comes home dead tired from working a twelve-hour day and collapses in bed.
He's just about asleep when his wife rolls over and says,
"What would you do if I told you that you had a beautiful, sexy, horny woman lying next to you?"
He replied. "Don't worry honey I'd stay faithful!"
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A psychiatrist is a person who will give you expensive answers that your wife will give you for free.
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Two church members were going door to door, and knocked on the door of a woman who was not happy to see them. She told them in no uncertain terms that she did not want to hear their message and slammed the door in their faces. To her surprise, however, the door did not close and, in fact, bounced back open. She tried again, really put her back into it, and slammed the door again with the same result - the door bounced back open. Convinced these rude young people were sticking their foot in the door, she reared back to give it a slam that would teach them a lesson, when one of them said,
"Ma'am, before you do that again you need to move your cat."
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Q: What would you call it when an Italian has one arm shorter than the other?
A: A Speech Impediment.
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Q: Why don't blondes in San Francisco wear short black mini skirts?
A: Cause their balls show.
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"Knock, Knock!"
"Who's there?"
"Emerson."
"Emerson who?"
"Emerson nice boobs ya got there!"
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A first grade teacher had a small number of children gathered around a table for a reading group. After the story was read she gave the children a work sheet to do. She thought they may have some problems so wanted them to work on it while still there.
She heard a little girl say very softly "damn!".
The teacher leaned over and said quietly, "We don't say that in school."
The little girl looked at the teacher, her eyes got very big and she said,
"Not even when things are all fucked up?!"
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SPOUSE, n:
Someone who'll stand by you through all the trouble you wouldn't have had if you'd stayed single.
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On the first day of their Honeymoon, the very naive blond virgin bride slipped into a sexy but sweet nightie and, with great anticipation, crawled into bed, only to find that her new Christian husband had settled down on the couch.
When she asked him why he was apparently not going to make love to her, hereplied,
"Because it's Lent."
Almost in tears, she remarked, "Well, that is the most ridiculous thing I have ever heard!
To whom did you lend it, and for how long?"
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After a quarrel, a wife said to her husband, "You know, I was a fool when I married you."
The husband replied,
"Yes, dear, but I was in love and didn't notice!"
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Q: Did you hear about the girl who wanted to join the Army?
A: She jumped over a campfire and got "Deferred."
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Q: What's the definition of an 11? A: A 10 that swallows!
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Q: What do you call nuts on a wall? A: Walnuts
Q: What do you call nuts on a chest? A: Chestnuts
Q: What do you call nuts on a chin? A: Blowjob
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Q: Who's always happier than a nerophiliac in a morgue?
A: A pedophile in charge of an orphanage!
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Q: What is the difference between a good lawyer and a great lawyer?
A: A good lawyer knows the law... a great lawyer knows the judge.
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Q: How much calcium is in a woman's breast? A: Enough to make a bone 8 inches long.
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Q: What do you get when you cross a whore with a quarter pound of beef?
A: A hummerburger.
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Q: What's a proctologist? A: A crack investigator.
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Q: What's the difference between mashed potatoes and pussy?
A: Pussy makes it's own gravy.
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Q: How do you make a vagina talk? A: Put a tongue in it.
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Q: What's the worst thing a woman can get on her 25th wedding anniversary?
A: Morning sickness.
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Q: What is the difference between a Harley and a Hoover? A: The location of the dirt bag.
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After his heart-transplant operation, the old professor was receiving instructions from his doctor. He was placed on a strict diet, denied tobacco and advised to get at least eight
hours sleep a night. Finally, the old professor asked, "What about my sex life,
Doc? Will it be all right for me to have intercourse?" "Just with your wife," responded the doctor.
"We don't want you to get too excited."
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Q. How will history remember Bill Clinton? A. The President after Bush
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Gomer Pyle is with his girlfriend Bunny and he says, "Bunny, can I put my finger in your belly button?"
She answers "Why Gomer, how forward, but I guess so." A few minutes pass and Bunny says in a surprised tone, "Why Gomer, that isn't my belly button!!!! "
Gomer answers exuberantly, " Sur----prise Sur---prise!!!! That ain't my finger neither!!!!!
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What is definition of indecent?........ If it long enuf, hard enuf,and in far enuf then it is in decent
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A man saw President Clinton smoking a pipe and asked
,"Hey Bill, I thought you were a cigar man."
President Clinton responded, "Cigars are for pussies!"
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A young courting couple are out for a romantic walk a long a country lane. They walk hand in hand and as they stroll, his lustful desire rises to a peak. He is just about to get frisky when she says,
"I hope you don't mind but I really do need to take a piss."
Slightly taken a back by this vulgarity, he suggests she go behind this hedge. She nods agreement and disappears behind the hedge. As he waits, he can hear the sound of tight nylon knickers rolling down voluptuous legs and imagines what is being exposed. Unable to contain his animal thoughts a moment longer, he reaches through a gap in the foliage, his hand
touching her leg. He quickly brings his hand further up her thigh until suddenly and with great astonishment finds himself gripping a long, thick appendage hanging between her legs. He shouts in horror,
"My God, Mary, have you changed your sex!"
"No," she replies, "I've changed my mind. I'm taking a shit instead
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What's the similarity between a camera and a condom?
They're both used to catch those special moments!
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The blonde teen-age girl had long been infatuated with a popular local disc jockey and finally got to meet him when the station held an open house. When she seductively suggested they get better acquainted, he took her into a vacant studio and unzipped his pants.
"I suppose you know what this is?" he whispered.
"I sure do," she said, grasping it in her hand and putting it near her mouth, "I'd like to say hello to Ricky, Bobby, Tina and the whole gang down at Danny's Pizzeria."
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Seymour was a good and pious man, and when he passed away, the Lord himself greeted him at the pearly gates of heaven. "Hungry, Seymour?" the Lord asked. "I could eat," said Seymour.
The Lord opened a can of tuna, and they shared it.
While eating this humble meal, Seymour looked down into Hell and noticed the inhabitants devouring enormous steaks, pheasant, pastries and vodka. The next day, the Lord again asked Seymour if he were hungry, and Seymour again said, "I could eat."
Once again, a can of tuna was opened and shared, while down below Seymour noticed a feast of caviar, champagne, lamb, truffles, brandy, and chocolates. The following day, mealtime arrived and another can of tuna was opened. Meekly, Seymour said, "Lord, I am very happy to be in heaven as a reward for the good life I lived. But, this is heaven, and all I get to eat is
tuna. But in the Other Place, they eat like Kings. I just don't understand."
"To be honest, Seymour," the Lord said, "for just two people, does it pay to cook?"
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There was an Englishman and his wife sitting next to a drunk in a bar. Suddenly the drunk stands up and yells, "ATTENTION ALL!" and farts loudly. The wife is extremely embarrassed, and the Englishman looks at the drunk and says, "Excuse me, you just farted before
my wife!"
The drunks replies, "I'm sorry, I didn't know it was her turn."
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A blond calls her husband at work one day and asks him, "Can you help me when you get home?"
"Sure," he replies. "What's the problem?"
"Well, I started a really hard puzzle and I can't even find the edge pieces."
"Look on the box," he said. "There's always a picture of what the puzzle is."
"It's a big rooster," she said.
The husband arrives home and tells his blond wife, "Okay, put the corn flakes
back in the box."
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Q: How do you know when your at a lesbian dinner party?
A: All the napkins have adhesive strips.
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Harry noticed he was running low on rubbers, so he stopped by the local drugstore.
"What size?" asked the redhead pharmacist's assistant sweetly.
When he admitted he wasn't sure of his size. The blonde led him into the back room, lifted her skirt and told him to enter her. He was delighted to oblige.
"Size six," she told him after a moment, "now, take it out. How many?"
Harry bought a dozen, and on his way home, he ran into his friend Tom. Harry eagerly told Tom the whole story. Tom rushed down to the drugstore to place an order,
"But I'm afraid I don't know my size," he told the sales girl.
So the blonde led him in to the back room and repeated the procedure.
"Size seven, Sir. Now take it out please. How many?"
But Tom kept on going until he was done.
"None, thanks," he told her, zipping up his pants and grinning, "I just came in for a fitting."
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This guy comes home dead tired from working a twelve-hour day and collapses in bed.
He's just about asleep when his wife rolls over and says,
"What would you do if I told you that you had a beautiful, sexy, horny woman lying next to you?"
He replied. "Don't worry honey I'd stay faithful!"
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Q: How can you tell if you are in a gay church?
A: Only HALF the congregation is kneeling!
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Save your breath ... You'll need it to blow up your date!
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Seems this Catholic priest was feeling despondent over being posted to a dry, desert parish. He wrote letters to his bishop constantly, requesting that he be posted somewhere more hospitable.No reply to his letters ever came, and soon the letters stopped.
Some time later, when the archbishop was making the rounds of the rural churches, he stopped in to see how the unhappy priest was doing. He found a pleasant man, in an air-conditioned church. There were no parishioners, since the closest neighbors were many miles away. The
archbishop admitted to some confusion, since the priest did not look like the desperate writer of so many letters. He asked the priest how he liked it out in the desert.
"At first I was unhappy. But thanks to two things I have grown to love it out here in the sparse desert."
"And they are?" the archbishop inquired.
"The first is my Rosary. Without my Rosary I wouldn't make it a day out here."
"And the second?"
At this the priest looked askance. "Well, to be honest, I have developed a taste for martinis in the afternoon. They help to alleviate the heat during the worst part of the day." He looked sheepish at this admission, but the archbishop just smiled.
"Martinis, eh? Well, that's not so bad. In fact, I'd be glad to share one with you right now, if you don't mind that is."
"Not at all!" the priest exulted. "Let me get one for you right away."
Turning to the back of the church, the priest shouted, "Oh, Rosary..."
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FATAL THINGS TO SAY IF YOUR
S.O. IS PREGNANT
"Sure you'll get your figure back -- we'll just search where you left it."
"How come you're so much fatter than the other chicks in Lamaze?"
"What's the big deal? If you can handle *me* going in, surely you can handle a baby coming out."
"Hey, when you're finished puking in there, get me a beer, willya?"
"Yo, Fatass! You're blocking the TV!"
"I finished the Oreos."
"Not to imply anything, but I don't think the kid weighs forty pounds."
"Y'know, looking at her, you'd never guess that Pamela Lee had a baby!!"
"I sure hope your thighs aren't gonna stay that flabby forever!"
"Well, couldn't they induce labor ? The 25th is the Super Bowl."
"Darned if you ain't about five pounds away from a surprise visit from that Richard Simmons fella."
"Fred at the office passed a stone the size of a pea. Boy, that's gotta hurt."
"Whoa! For a minute there, I thought I woke up next to Willard Scott!"
"I'm jealous! Why can't men experience the joy of childbirth?"
"Are your ankles supposed to look like that?"
"Get your *own* ice cream."
"Geez, you're awfully puffy looking today."
"Got milk?"
"Maybe we should name the baby after my secretary, Tawney."
"Man! That rose tattoo on your hip is the size of Madagascar!"
"Retaining water? Yeah, like the Hoover Dam..."
"You don't have the guts to pull the trigger..."
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Q. What would happen if the Pilgrims had killed cats instead of turkeys?
A. We'd eat pussy every Thanksgiving.
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A guy fresh out of gift ideas, bought his mother-in-law a large plot in an expensive cemetery. On her next birthday, he bought her nothing. She was quick to comment loud and long on his thoughtlessness.
"Well, you didn't use the gift I gave you last year."
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She yelled at her husband,
"You're gonna be really sorry! I'm going to LEAVE you!"
He responded, "Make up your mind! Which one is it gonna be?"
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An elderly couple was sitting together watching television. During a commercial, the husband asked his wife, "Whatever happened to our sexual relations?"
After a long thoughtful silence and during the next commercial, the wife replied, "You know, I don't know. I don't even think we got a Christmas card from them this year."
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Two high powered executives, Gary and Bill staggered out of their company Christmas party in New York City. Bill started crossing the street, while Gary accidentally stumbled into a subway entrance. When Bill reached the other side he turned to notice Gary emerging from the
subway stairs.
"Where've you been?" Bill slurred.
"I don't know" replied Gary "but you should see the train set that guy has in his basement"
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Q: What are the three things homosexuals like most? A: To eat, drink, and be Mary...
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This old guy wobbles into an ice cream shop. He has a hard time walking. He is hunched over. He goes up to the counter and says, "Banana Split, please."
The lady at the counter replies, "Crushed nuts?"
The old man says, "No, Arthritis."
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All Men Are Animals, Some Just Make Better Pets
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Mrs. Johnson goes to a brand-new gynecologist. He says, "My God, Mrs. Johnson, that is the biggest vagina I have ever, ever seen."
When she gets home, she decides to have a look for herself. She takes down a big mirror off the wall, puts it on the floor, takes off all of her clothes, stands on the mirror, spreads her legs apart, and looks down.
Just then, her husband walks in early from work.
He says, "What are you doing?"
She says, "Umm... I'm exercising."
He says, "Well, be careful not to fall into that huge hole."
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One day Thor, the God of Thunder decides it's been about 1,000 years and he *wants a little*. He comes down from Mount Olympus in search of a lovely young maiden.
He finds just such a girl, and after much wine and song, he brings her back to his place on the mountain to spend the night.
They make love 2, 3, 12, okay, *honestly!* 63 times and have a great time. In the morning, he wakes up, stretches, and looking at her says,
"I forgot to tell you my name last night. Hi, I'm Thor."
She says, "YOU'RE Thor!?! I can hardly WALK!!"
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A man walked by a table in a hotel and noticed three men and a dog playing cards. The dog
was playing with extra-ordinary performance.
"This is a very smart dog," the man commented.
"He's really not so smart," said one of the players.
"Every time he gets a good hand,... he wags his tail." |
