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The following is the full text of President Clinton's speech to
the
American
public regarding his testimony in the Monica Lewinsky probe, and
includes
segments which were deleted by White House advisors prior to
airing.
"Good evening. Well, this really sucks.
This afternoon in this room, from this chair, I testified before
the
Office
of Independent Counsel and the grand jury and you wouldn't believe
the
case
of swamp-ass I've got from sitting here all goddamn day with those
fuckers
badgering me about the number of hummers I've gotten in the oval
office.
I answered their questions truthfully, including questions about
my
private
life, questions no American citizen would ever want to answer. My
answer, in
order to be ambiguous, was a "too personal" response to any
detailed
question they asked. If I had really answered any of the questons,
they
would have deep fried my sorry Southern ass.
Still, I must take complete responsibility for all my actions,
both
public
and private. And that is why I am speaking to you tonight.
Because,
basically, this isn't my fault, it's the media's fault.
As you know, in a deposition in January, I was asked questions
about
my
relationship with Monica Lewinsky. While my answers were legally
accurate, I
did not volunteer information.
As any idiot can figure out, since oral sex, fondling, and other
assorted
matters aren't legally defined as 'sexual relations', I could
bullshit
you
all to hell. And in truth, during the Paula Jones desposition, I
lied
myself
silly.
Indeed, I did have a relationship with Miss Lewinsky that was not
appropriate. In fact, it was wrong. It constituted a critical
lapse
in
judgment and a personal failure on my part for which I am solely
and
completely responsible. Somehow, Vernon and I should have figured
out
a
better way to keep that fat bitch quiet. I mean...pay her
off...force
her
car off the road...something. I mean, I'm the president of the
United
States. You'd think I'd be able to keep a thunder-thighed
nymphomaniac
vacume cleaner quiet. Isn't there a CIA wetboy out there with time
on
his
hands? But I digress...
But I told the grand jury today and I say to you now that at no
time
did I
ask anyone to lie, to hide or destroy evidence or to take any
other
unlawful
action other than my personal staff, the housekeeping staff, the
Secret
Service, Vernon, my lawyers, the White House Chief of Staff, Ms.
Lewinsky,
my wife, the press secretary, the White House receptionist, my dry
cleaners,
Socks, and Murray...some guy I met in the lockeroom of a Bally's
in
Atlanta
(I had to tell somebody in the lockeroom that I can still get it
up).
I know that my public comments and my silence about this matter
gave
a
false
impression. I misled people, including even my wife. I deeply
regret
that I
wasn't more convincing, and that we didn't take care of that bitch
the
old
fashioned way.
I can only tell you I was motivated by many factors. First and
foremost, in
26 years of marriage, Hillary has not once gone down on me. She
says
oral
sex on a man is immoral. In fact, we haven't had sex in 20 years.
Chelsea
was concieved in a test tube. The fact is, at this point in my
life
I'm 99%
sure that Hillary is a lesbian. So, when I started getting all of
that
action from the interns, I was a little excited...even TOO
excited.
First,
as many American men know, premature ejaculation is quite
embarassing,
so I
was motivated to denial by a desire to protect myself from the
embarrassment
of my own conduct. Ruining Monica's new blue dress was enough of a
humiliation...I didn't want the whole populous to know that I
couln't
hold
my water.
I was also very concerned about protecting my family. The fact
that
these
questions were being asked in a politically inspired lawsuit,
which
has
since been dismissed, was a consideration, too. Here is the point
in
my
speech where I shift all blame, with the exception of the
premature
ejaculation problem - that's Hillary's fault - to the Republicans.
In addition, to holding the Republican party and my wife
responsible
for
this American embarrassment, I also want to blame anyone with the
letter 'a'
in their last name. I had real and serious concerns about an
independent
counsel investigation that began with private business dealings 20
years
ago, dealings I might add about which an independent federal
agency
found no
evidence of any wrongdoing by me or my wife over two years ago.
That
was one
situation where we could effectively cover up all signs of illegal
activity.
And, as you know, who we couldn't cover up or shut up
convieniently
killed
themselves.
The independent counsel investigation moved on to my staff
curvature
and
friends who might recognize that curvature, then into my private
life.
And
now the investigation itself is under investigation. And pretty
soon,
just
to spend even more of your money, we'll start an investigation of
that
investigation.
This has gone on too long, cost too much and hurt too many
innocent
people...namely me!
Now, this matter is between me, the two people I love most -- my
wife
and
our daughter -- and our God. This job is stressful. And a man
under
stress
is always in need of relief. They need to understand that. Chelsea
is
dating
a pre-med major at Stanford, so I'm figuring at least she already
does. I
must admit, the only lapse in judgement was getting all that
action
from
Monica. There were much better looking interns running around here
all
of
that time. I'll take the money and put it right where my mouth is:
I'll bet
any of the other interns would have been more than happy to trade
places
with Monica on the floor of the Oval Office, and I am prepared to
do
whatever it takes to do so.
Nothing is more important to me personally than a little piece of
ass
after
a hard day...or a big piece of ass. But it is private in the sense
that I
will not be a guest on the upcoming Jerry Springer "I had Sex
with
my
Intern" episode, and I intend to reclaim my family life for my
family
on the
surface...but since I haven't gotten any in 20 years, it can't get
any
worse.
It's nobody's business but ours, until such time as I do appear on
Springer.
Even presidents have private lives. And even presidents like blow
jobs.
Thomas Jefferson loved blow jobs. And JFK...I heard Marilyn Monroe
could
suck a golf ball through a hundred feet of garden hose. It is
time
to
stop
the pursuit of personal destruction and the prying into private
lives
and
get on with our national life. What I'm thinking is that Ken Starr
never got
a good hummer in his life and is just stinking jealous.
Our country has been distracted by this matter for too long, and I
take my
responsibility for my part in all of this. I urge all you men out
there to
think about how a really good blow job makes you feel. And take my
word for
it, Monica had some skills.Then you will all realize where I'm
coming
from.
And why I was coming in the first place. That is all I can do.
Now it is time -- in fact, it is past time to move on...to the
next
incoming
class of interns.
We have important work to do -- real opportunities to seize young,
healthy
breasts, real problems to solve involving brassieres that snap in
the
front,
real STD security matters to face.
And so tonight, I ask you to turn away from the spectacle that I
have
made
the presidency all of the past seven months, while I attempt to
repair
and
salvage what could possibly be left of any sort of personal pride.
This
trash-talk show world, the fabric of our national discourse, has
now
entrenched itself on this chair, and legally, despite another huge
expenditure of money, there is nothing anyone can do about it. So
let's all
relax and try to return our attention to all the challenges and
all
the
promise that the next batch of interns will bring, and may blow
jobs
come to
be synonymous with the 'Camp David' of the next American century.
Thank you for watching. And good night. I'm not wearing any pants.
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