Five Jokes
A man goes into a drug store and asks the cashier for some rubbers. The cashier asks, "What size?" The man replies, "Size? I didn`t know they came in sizes." "Yes, they do," she says, "What size do you want?"
"Well, gee, I don`t know," the man answers.
The lady is used to this, so she tells him to go to the back yard and measure his dick by sticking it into each of the three holes in the fence. While the man is back there, the lady sneaks around to the other side of the fence and spreads her legs behind each hole as the man tests it. When the they return, the cashier asks, "What will it be? Small, medium, or large?"
The man replies, "To hell with the rubbers, give me a hundred feet of that fence back there!"
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Three guys drive to a ski range and arrive late at night. They finally find a place to stay, but when they get to their room, they find that it only has one large bed, and this is the last room in the place. They decide, `what the heck, it`s only one night` and share the bed.
The next morning they all wake up. The guy on the left side of the bed says, "I had the strangest dream. I thought some guy was jerking me off." The guy on the other side of bed is shocked. "I had the same dream, too!"
The guy who slept in the middle says, "Well, I didn`t have that dream. I thought I was skiing."
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A man went to a busy restaurant and sat down at the only empty table. As he did so, he accidentally knocked the spoon off the table with his elbow. The waiter immediately took a spoon from his pocket and placed it on the table.
The man was very impressed by the promptness of the service and asked, "Do all the waiterscarry a spoon in their pockets?" The waiter answered, "We had an efficiency expert in to evaluate our operation. He determined that 25% of the customers knock the spoon off their tables. By carrying a spare spoon, we all save trips to the kitchen and can be much more efficient."
Later, as the customer asked for his bill he remarked to the waiter, "Excuse me for asking but why
do you have a string hanging from your fly?" The waiter replied, "The efficiency expert determined that we were spending too much time washing our hands after we went to the bathroom. To counteract this, we tie
strings to our penises."
The customer looked confused. "How does that help?" he asked. "Well, when I go to the bathroom I just use the string. Since I never touched myself I don't need to wash my hands." The customer nodded and asked, "But how do you get your penis back in your pants?"
The waiter smiled, "I don't know about the other guys, but I use a spoon."
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After 40 years of marriage, Jimmy decides to leave Katherine.
She starts crying and then asks,
"How can you do this, Jimmy? How can you just walk out? The first year we were together, you caught pneumonia and almost died!
Who sat by your bed and nursed you back to health? Me!
And when you lost half your family in the terrible car crash, who kept you going and kept your spirits up? Me!
And when our kids grew up and ran away from home, who sat with you can comforted you? Me!
And when you lost everything last year in the fire at the store, who stayed at your side the whole time? Me!
How could you leave me, Jimmy? You've been through everything with me."
Jimmy replies, "That's just the problem, Katherine! You're just fucking bad luck!"
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A Farmer walked into an attorney's office wanting to file for a divorce.
The Attorney asked, "May I help you?"
The Farmer said, "Yea, I want to get one of those dayvorce's."
The Attorney said, "Do you have any grounds?"
The Farmer said, "Yea, I got about 140 acres."
The Attorney said, "No, you don't understand, do you have a case?"
The Farmer said, "No, I got a John Deere."
The Attorney said, "No, you don't understand, I mean do you have a grudge?"
The Farmer said, "Yeh, I got a grudge, that's where I park my John Deere."
The Attorney said, "No Sir, I mean do you have a suit?"
The Farmer said, "Yes Sir, I got a suit, I wear it to church ever' Sunday."
The Attorney said, "Well Sir, does your wife beat you up or anything?"
The Farmer said, "No Sir, we both get up at 4:30 A.M. together."
The Attorney then said, "Well is she a nagger or anything?"
The Farmer said, "No, she's a little white gal, but our last kid was a nagger
and that's why I want this Dayvorce!" |
