A brunch of Jokes
An MG Midget (or Yugo or Lada) pulled alongside a Rolls-Royce at a traffic
light. "Hi there! Nice car! But do you have a car phone in your Rolls?" its
driver asked the guy in the Rolls. "I've got one!"
"Of course I do!" replied the haughty deluxe car driver.
"Well do you have a fax machine?"
The driver in the Rolls sighed, "I have that too."
"Well now, do you have a television in there too? I've got a 19-inch color
television in my back seat that I watch all the time while driving!"
"Of course I have a television! A Rolls-Royce is the finest luxury car in
the world!"
"Okay, then do you have a bed in there too?" the Midget driver wanted to
know. "I've got one back here."
Upset and embarrassed that he did not have a bed in the car, the Rolls
driver sped off. That afternoon, he had a mechanic install a fancy double bed
in his auto, complete with satin sheets and brass trim.
A week later, the Rolls drive passes the same MG Midget, which is parked on
the side of the road, back windows fogged up and steam pouring out. The
arrogant driver pulls over, gets out of the Rolls and bangs on the Midget's
back window. There wasn't any answer, so he knocked and knocked, and eventually
the MG Midget driver stuck his head out of the window, soaking wet.
"I want you to know that I do indeed have a double bed in my Rolls-Royce,"
brags the Rolls driver.
The Midget driver glares at him unimpressed. "You got me out of the shower
to tell me that!?!?!"
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Top ten things that sound dirty in golf but aren't:
10. Nuts...my shaft is bent
9. After 18 holes I can barely walk
8. You really whacked the hell out of that sucker
7. Look at the size of his putter
6. Keep your head down and spread your legs a bit more
5. Mind if I join your threesome?
4. Stand with your back turned and drop it
3. My hands are so sweaty I can't get a good grip
2. Nice stroke, but your follow through has a lot to be desired
And the number 1 thing that sounds dirty in golf but isn't:
1. Hold up...I need to wash my balls first
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A wife arrived home from a shopping trip, and was horrified to
find her husband in bed naked, with a lovely young thing. Just as she
was about to storm out of the house her husband stopped her with these
words:
"Honey, before you leave, I want you to hear how all this came
about." The wife stopped to listen.
He continued, "I was driving along the highway, and I saw this
young girl looking very tired and bedraggled, so I offered her a
lift." "She was also hungry, so I brought her home and made her a
meal from the roast you didn't like in the refrigerator. She had only
some very worn sandals, so I gave her a pair of shoes you had
discarded simply because they were out of style." "She was cold, so I
gave her the sweater I bought you for your birthday - the one you
never wore because the colors didn't suit you. Her slacks were torn,
so I gave her a pair of yours that were perfectly good, but much too
small for you now."
The wife seemed to have no problem with any of this, but still
needed just one question to be answered... "That's all fine and good,"
she said, "but why did I find you both in our bed with NO clothes on?"
The husband replied, "Well, that's simple...see, as she was
about to leave the house she turned to me and asked, "Is there
anything else that your wife doesn't use anymore??"
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A young couple were in a hotel suite on their wedding night. As they undressed for bed, the husband, who was a big burly man, tossed his pants to his bride and said, "Here, put these on." She put them on, and the waist was twice the size of her body. "I can't wear your pants," she said. "That's
right!!" said the husband, "and don't you forget it. I'm the man who wears the pants in this family!"
With that she flipped him her panties and said, "try these on." He tried them on and found he could only get them on as far as his kneecap. He said, "I can't get into your panties!" She said, "That's right, and that's the way it's going to be until your attitude changes!"
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An 80-year-old man goes to a doctor for a check-up. The doctor tells him,
"You're in terrific shape. There's nothing wrong with you. Why, you might
live forever. By the way, how old was your father when he died?"
The 80-year-old responded, "Did I say he was dead?"
The doctor couldn't believe it! So he said, "Well, how old was your
grandfather when he died?
The 80-year-old responded again, "Did I say he was dead?"
The doctor was astonished. He said, "You mean to tell me you are 80 years
old and both your father and your grandfather are both alive?"
"Not only that," said the patient, "my grandfather is 126 years old, and
next week he is getting married for the first time."
The doctor said, "After 126 years of being a bachelor why on earth did your
grandfather want to get married?"
His patient looked up at the doctor and said, "Did I say he wanted to?"
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Little Johnny says to his mother, "Mommy, I have to go and wee wee."
The mother replies back, " Would you like Mommy to take you to the toilet?"
The little boy responds back, "No, No, let grandma... her hand shakes a lot!" |
