A defending attorney was cross examining a coroner.
The attorney asked, "Before you signed the death certificate had you
taken the man's pulse?"
The coroner said, "No."
The attorney then asked, "Did you listen for a heart beat?"
"No."
"Did you check for breathing?"
"No."
"So when you signed the death certificate you had not taken any steps
to make sure the man was dead, had you?"
The coroner, now tired of the brow beating said, "Well, let me put it
this way. The man's brain was sitting in a jar on my desk, but for
all I know he could be out there practicing law somewhere."
=====================================================================
Why did the blonde keep driving around the block?
Her turn signal was stuck.
=====================================================================
What did the blonde call her pet zebra?
Spot.
=====================================================================
What did the young blonde say when she opened the box of Cheerios?
Look, Daddy, doughnut seeds!
=====================================================================
Why was the blonde sooo excited to finish her puzzle in only six months?
The box said 3-6 years.
=====================================================================
Did you hear about the blonde that wanted personalized plates?
She changed her name to GZR 728.
=====================================================================
What did the blonde say when the doctor told her she was pregnant?
"Are you sure it's mine?"
=====================================================================
Two blondes decide to drive to Disneyland. They pack for the week, hop
in their car, and head down the highway. A few hours later they see a
sign that reads: "DISNEYLAND LEFT." So they turn around and go home.
=====================================================================
The heart of a fool is in his mouth, but the mouth of a wise man is in
his heart.
=====================================================================
What's the difference between a smart blonde and Bigfoot?
At least there are claims that Bigfoot has been sighted.
=====================================================================
Adam
was taking a walk in the garden of Eden, having his daily chat to God.
The following conversation took place: Adam: Thank you so much for giving
Eve to me. She's made such a difference in my life. I just have one
question: Why did you have to make her so beautiful? I can't keep my eyes
and my hands off her! God: Well, Adam, I had to make her so beautiful so
you could love her! Satisfied with this Adam goes off to find Eve. The
following day he was involved in another conversation with God. Adam:
God,
I understand that you had to make Eve beautiful so I could love her, but
I
don't understand why you had to make her so STUPID! God: Well, Adam, I
had
to make her so stupid so she could love you!!!!
===================================================================
Traffic is terrible these days, and parking is even worse. The other day
in Baltimore I saw a City tow truck impounding a car illegally parked.
While the guy was hooking up the car, another motorist was stopped behind
him, patiently waiting to pull into the spot.
===================================================================
My daughter asked me one time, "Daddy, before you married Mommie, who
told you how to drive ?"
===================================================================
Life is sexually transmitted.
===================================================================
There was an old alley cat and everyday he would chase mice and eat them
for dinner. As the mice died they went up to animal heaven where St.
Bernard, St. Peter's animal assistant, told the mice the rules of animal
heaven.
The most important rule is to make all the animals as comfortable as
possible. So St. Bernard suggested the mice have skateboards so they
could
get around easier. Especially since they spent most of their life on
earth
running away from that old alley cat.
Time passed and finally the old alley cat gave up the last of his 9
lives.
He was met in animal heaven by St. Bernard and told the rules.
About a week later, St. Bernard ran into the alley cat and asked how he
liked animal heaven. The alley cat replied, "Animal heaven is great,
especially that meals on wheels program.
===================================================================
The big boss of an Italian family of gangsters is in his office with his
three adults sons. He pulls a .38 gun from his desk, stick it on the
youngest one's head and ask : "what does two and two add up to ?". The
youngest son thinks, thinks some more and finally answer : " five ! ".
The father moves now to his oldest son, point the .38 gun to this son's
head and ask : "what does two and two add up to ?". The oldest son answer
without thinking : " six !".
Then the father moves to his other son, point the gun right between his
eyes and ask : "what does two and two add up to ?". The son looks his
father in the eyes and answers proudly : " Four ! ". With that, the
father
shots him in the head Bang!!!
The two surviving sons shout : " Dad ! Dad ! why did you kill him ???? "
The father : " He knew to much ... "
===================================================================
My cousin flunked out of tree doctor school-- he kept fainting at the
sight of sap.
===================================================================
TOP TEN THINGS NOT TO SAY TO A COP WHEN YOUR PULLED OVER
10 Back off Barney, I've got a piece.
9 Wanta race to the station, Sparky?
8 I know I was weaving, but I can't find the Honeycomb Hideout!
7 On the way to the station let's get a twelve pack.
6 You'll never get those cuffs on me...You wimp!
5 Come on write the darn ticket, the bars close in 20 minutes!
4 Hey wasn't your daughter a pork queen?
3 How long is this going to take? Your wife is expecting me.
2 Hey officer is that your nightstick or are you just glad to see me?
1 I'm surprised you stopped me, Dunk'in Doughnuts has a 3 for 1 special!
===================================================================
Pity the poor sales clerk when the Columbia Yuppette demanded the hard
cover edition of "TV Guide".
===================================================================Adam to
Eve: "Hey! I wear the plants in this family!"
===================================================================
Whoever said talk is cheap never said "I do"
===================================================================
There's a new sect just for the New Agers. It's called "Jehovah's
Bystanders". That's a Witness who doesn't want to get involved.
===================================================================
The big-game hunter took his wife on his newest safari. After several
weeks
they returned. The sportsman had bagged a few minor trophies, but the
great
prize was the head of a huge lion,killed by his wife.
"What did she hit it with?" asked a friend admiringly. "That fine rifle
you
gave her?"
"No." answered the husband, dryly. "With the station wagon we hired!"
===================================================================== |
