I'm Stuck with the Kids--A Frustrated Taxpayer Writes the IRS
>[ Editor's Note: Sometimes a story comes to our attention that
>needs no polishing or enhancement to make it a good H&R Block tax
>story. This is one of those. It is a real letter submitted to the
>IRS in the midst of last year's weird and bizarre denial of
>dependents, exemptions, and credits. We believe the letter speaks
>for itself. ]
>Dear Sirs:
>I am responding to your letter denying the deduction for two of the
>three dependents I claimed on my 1994 Federal Tax return. Thank
>you. I have questioned whether these are my children or not for
>years. They are evil and expensive.
>It's only fair that since they are minors and not my responsibility
>that the government (who evidently is taxing me more to care for
>these waifs) knows something about them and what to expect over the
>next year.
>You may apply next year to reassign them to me and reinstate the
>deduction. This year they are yours!
>The oldest, Kristen, is now 17. She is brilliant. Ask her! I
>suggest you put her to work in your office where she can answer
>people's questions about their returns. While she has no formal
>training, it has not seemed to hamper her knowledge of any other
>subject you can name. Taxes should be a breeze; Next year she is
>going to college. I think it's wonderful that you will now be
>responsible for that little expense. While you mull that over keep
>in mind that she has a truck.
>It doesn't run at the moment so you have the immediate decision of
>appropriating some Department of Defense funds to fix the vehicle
>or getting up early to drive her to school. Kristen also has a
>boyfriend. Oh joy. While she possesses all of the wisdom of the
>universe, her alleged mother and I have felt it best to
>occasionally remind her of the virtues of abstinence, and in the
>face of overwhelming passion, safe sex. This is always
>uncomfortable and I am quite relieved you will be handling this
>in the future. May I suggest that you reinstate Joycelyn Elders who
>had a rather good handle on the problem.
>Patrick is 14. I've had my suspicions about this one. His eyes are
>a little close together for normal people. He may be a tax examiner
>himself one day if you do not incarcerate him first. In February I
>was wakened at three in the morning by a police officer who was
>bringing Pat home. He and his friends were TP'ing houses. In the
>future would you like him delivered to the local IRS office or to
>Ogden, UT? Kids at 14 will do almost anything on a dare. His hair
>is purple. Permanent dye, temporary dye, what's the big deal?
>Learn to deal with it. You'll have plenty of time as
>he is sitting out a few days of school after instigating a food
>fight. I'll take care of filing your phone number with the vice
>principal. Oh yes, he and all of his friends have raging hormones.
>This is the house of testosterone and it will be much more peaceful
>when he lives in your home. DO NOT leave any of them unsupervised
>with girls, explosives, inflammables, inflatables, vehicles, or
>telephones. (I'm sure that you will find telephones a source of
>unimaginable amusement, and be sure to lock out the 900>>and 976 umbers!)
>Heather is an alien. She slid through a time warp and appeared
>quite by magic one year. I'm sure this one is yours. She is 10
>going on 21. She came from a bad trip in the sixties. She wears
>tie-dyed clothes, beads, sandals, and hair that looks like Tiny
>Tim's. Fortunately you will be raising my taxes to help offset the
>pinch of her remedial reading courses. Hooked On Phonics is
>expensive so the schools dropped it. Good news! You can buy it
>yourself for half the amount of the deduction that you are
>denying! It's quite obvious that we were terrible parents (ask the
>other two) so they have helped raise this one to a new level of
>terror. She cannot speak English. Most people under twenty
>understand the curious patois she fashioned out of valley
>girls/boys in the hood/reggae/yuppie/political doublespeak. I
>don't. The school sends her to a speech pathologist who has her
>roll her R's. It added a refreshing Mexican/Irish touch to her
>voice. She wears hats backwards, pants baggy and wants one ofher
>ears pierced four more times. There is a fascination with tattoos
>that worries me but I am sure that you can handle it. Bring a truck
>when you come to get her, she sort of "nests" in her room and I
>think that it would be easier to move the entire thing than find
>out what it is really made of.
>You denied two of the three exemptions so it is only fair you get
>to pick which two you will take. I prefer that you take the
>youngest, I still go bankrupt with Kristen's college but then I am
>free! If you take the two oldest then I still have time for
>counseling before Heather becomes a teenager. If you take the two
>girls then I won't feel so bad about putting Patrick in a military
>academy. Please let me know of your decision as soon as possible as
>I have already increased the withholding on my W-4 to cover the
>$395 in additional tax and make a down payment on an airplane.
>Yours Truly,
>Bob
>[ Note: The taxpayer in question added this caveat at a later date.
>"Rats, they sent me the refund and allowed the deductions." Our
>response, "Gee Bob, sometimes you just can't get a break." ]
===================
Chip
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