A New Yorker decides to have a party and invites lots of people,
telling them to bring their friends. On the invitation he puts,
"themed party - come as a human emotion."
On the night of the party the first guest arrives and he opens the
door to see a bloke covered in green paint with the letters N and V
painted on his chest. He says to this guy, "Wow, great outfit, what
emotion have you come as?" And the guy says, "I'm green with envy."
The host replies, "Brilliant, come on in and have a drink."
A few minutes later the next guest arrives and the host opens the
door to see a woman covered in a pink bodystocking with a feather boa
wrapped round her most intimate parts. He says to this woman, "Wow,
great outfit, what emotion have you come as?" And she replies, "I'm
tickled pink." The host says, "I love it, come on in and join the
party."
A couple of minutes later the doorbell goes for the third time and
the host opens the door to see two guys, stark naked, one with his
penis stuck in a bowl of custard and the other with his penis stuck
in a pear. The host is really shocked and says, "Guys, what the hell
do you think you look like? You could get arrested for standing like
that out here in the street. What emotion is this supposed to be?"
The first guy replies, "Well, I'm fucking disgusted and my friend has
come in despair."
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A women went to the local country club to play a round of golf. It
was a fine morning and she felt good about being on the links. After
playing the first hole, she was stung by a bee. Naturally, this
upset her. She turned her golf cart around and drove straight to the
Pro Shop. She approached the smiling golf pro behind the counter.
"I have a problem!" she exclaimed.
"What is it?" asked the pro.
"I was just stung by a bee!" she replied.
Concerned, the golf pro asked, "Where?"
Without hesitation she exclaimed, "Between the first and the second
hole!"
The golf pro pondered this for a moment, then replied, "My advice is
to close your stance a bit!"
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Have you ever noticed? Anybody going slower than you is an idiot,
and anyone going faster than you is a moron.
- George Carlin
You have to stay in shape. My grandmother, she started walking five
miles a day when she was 60. She's 97 today and we don't know where
the hell she is.
- Ellen DeGeneris
I'm not into working out. My philosophy: No pain, no pain.
- Carol Leifer
The reason most people play golf is to wear clothes they would not be
caught dead in otherwise.
- Roger Simon
I'm desperately trying to figure out why kamikaze pilots wore
helmets.
- Dave Edison
Never moon a werewolf.
- Mike Binder
The second day of a diet is always easier than the first. By the
second day you're off it.
- Jackie Gleason
Never raise your hands to your kids. It leaves your groin
unprotected.
- Red Buttons
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Three mice are sitting in a bar talking about how tough they are.
The first mouse slams down a shot and says, "I play with mouse traps
for fun. I'll run into one on purpose and as it's closing on me, I
grab the bar and bench press it twenty or thirty times." And with
that he slams another shot.
The second mouse slams down a shot and says, "That's nothing. I take
those DeCon tablets, cut 'em up, and snort 'em just for the fun of
it." And with that he slams another shot.
The third mouse slams down a shot, gets up and walks away. The first
two mice look at each other, and then turn to the third mouse and
ask, "Where the hell are you going?" The third mouse stops and
replies, "I'm going home to fuck the cat."
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Three cowboys are sitting around a campfire, out on the lonesome
prairie, each with the bravado for which cowboys are famous. A night
of tall tales begins.
The first says, "I must be the meanest, toughest cowboy there is.
Why, just the other day, a bull got loose in the corral and gored six
men before I wrestled it to the ground, by the horns, with my bare
hands."
The second can't stand to be bested. "Why that's nothing. I was
walking down the trail yesterday and a fifteen foot rattler slid out
from under a rock and made a move for me. I grabbed that snake with
my bare hands, bit its head off, and sucked the poison down in one
gulp. And I'm still here today."
The third cowboy remained silent, slowly stirring the coals with his
penis.
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THE ELEVATOR
An Amish boy and his Father were visiting a mall. They were amazed
by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver
walls that could move apart and back together again.
The boy asked his father, "What is this Father?"
The Father responded, "Son, I have never seen anything like this in
my life, I don't know what it is!"
While the boy and his father were watching wide-eyed, an old lady in
a wheel chair rolled up to the moving walls and pressed a button.
The walls opened and the lady rolled between them into a small room.
The walls closed and the boy and his father watched small circles of
lights with numbers above the walls light up. They continued to
watch the circles light up in the reverse direction. The walls
opened up again and a beautiful 24 year old woman stepped out.
The Father said to his son, "Go get your Mother."
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NEW YORK JETS 1997 SCHEDULE
Sept 7 - Utica Junior High School (Home opener)
14 - at Cub Scout Troop #313
21 - New York State Blind Academy
28 - at Spanish American War Veterans of Patterson
Oct 5 - Upstate Crippled Childrens' Home
12 - at St. John's Home for Wayward Girls
19 - Girl Scout Troop #56
26 - at Greater Cleveland Area VD Clinic
Nov 2 - Jamestown Boys Choir
9 - Korean War Amputees
16 - at Veteran's Hospital Polio Ward
23 - Bowl Game - Utopian Gay Boys
Dec xx - No need to schedule any games... the JETS would lose
them anyway!!
RULE CHANGES FROM LAST YEAR:
1. When playing polio patients, the JETS may not remove opponent's
leg braces.
2. When playing Girl Scouts, the JETS may not eat their cookies.
3. When playing the Blind Academy, the JETS cannot hide the football
under their jerseys.
4. When playing the war amputees, the JET coaches cannot protest
about players with one leg being hard to tackle.
RULES SAME AS LAST YEAR:
1. A touchdown (for JETS fans who have never seen one, this is when
the ball is carried over the goal line) is still 6 points.
2. The JETS will be allowed 27 men on the field at any one time.
3. The JETS may substitute band members at any time.
4. The JETS will be allowed 20 time-outs with 3 for the opposing
team.
5. The JETS will be awarded a first down for each 3 yards.
NAME CHANGES:
The new name for the JETS will be the TAMPONS since they are only
good for one period and have no second string.
COACHING CHANGES:
The new coach will be Linda Lovelace. She will no doubt blow a few,
but she will not choke on the BIG ONE!!! |
