Ken & Barbie
Barbie's Letter To Santa:
Dear Santa,
Listen you fat little troll, I've been helping you out every
year, playing at being the perfect Christmas Present,wearing
skimpy bathing suits in frigid weather, and drowning in fake tea
from one too many tea parties, and I hate to break it to ya Santa,
but IT'S DEFINITELY PAY BACK TIME!
There had better be some changes around here this Christmas,
or I'm gonna call for a nationwide meltdown (and trust me, you
won't wanna be around to smell it).
So, here's my holiday wish list for 1998, Santa.
1. A nice, comfy pair of sweat pants and a frumpy,
oversized sweatshirt. I'm sick of looking like a
hooker. How much smaller are these bathing suits
gonna get? Do you have any idea what it feels
like to have nylon and Velcro up your butt?
2. Real underwear that can be pulled on and off.
Preferably white. What bonehead at Mattel decided
to cheap out and MOLD imitation underwear to my
skin?!? It looks like cellulite!
3. A REAL man... maybe GI JOE. Hell, I'd take
Tickle-Me-Elmo over that wimped-out excuse for a
boytoy Ken. And what's with that earring anyway?
If I'm gonna have to suffer with him, at least
make him (and me) anatomically correct.
4. Arms that actually bend so I can push the
aforementioned Ken-wimp away once he is anatomically
correct.
5. Breast reduction surgery. I don't care whose arm
you have to twist, just get it done.
6. A jog-bra. To wear until I get the surgery.
7. A new career. Pet doctor and school teacher just
don't cut it. How about a systems analyst? Or better
yet, a public relations senior account exec!
8. A new, more 90's persona. Maybe "PMS Barbie", complete
with aminiature container of chocolate chip cookie
dough ice cream and a bag of chips; "Animal Rights Barbie",
with my very own paint gun, fitted witha fake fur coat,
bottle of spray on blood and handcuffs; or "Stop Smoking
Barbie," sporting a Nicotrol patch and equipped with
several packs of gum.
9. No more McDonald's endorsements. The grease is wrecking
my vinyl.
10. Mattel stock options. It's been 37 years-I think I
deserve it.
Okay Santa, that's it. Considering my valuable contribution to
society, I don't think these requests are out of line. If you
disagree, then you can find yourself a new bitch for next Christmas.
It's that simple.
Yours Truly,
Barbie
Ken's Letter To Santa:
Dear Santa,
I understand that one of my colleagues has petitioned you for
changes in her contract, specifically asking for anatomical and
career changes. In addition, it is my understanding that disparaging
remarks were made about me, my ability to please, and some of my
fashion choices. I would like to take this opportunity to inform you
of some of issuesconcerning Ms.Barbie, and some of my own needs and
desires.
First of all, I along with several other colleagues feel
Barbie DOES NOT deserve preferential treatment - the bitch has
everything. I, along with Joe, Jem, Raggedy Ann & Andy, DO NOT
have a dreamhouse, corvette, evening gowns, and in some cases
the ability to change our hair style.
I personally have only 3 outfits which I am forced to mix and
match at great length. My decision to accessorize my outfits with
an earring was my decision and reflects my lifestyle choice.
I too would like a change in my career. Have you ever considered
"Decorator Ken", "Beauty Salon Ken", or "Out Of Work Actor Ken"?
In addition, there are several other avenues which could be
considered such as:
"S&M Ken" ,
"Green Lantern Ken",
"Circuit Ken",
"Bear Ken",
"Master Ken".
These would more accurately reflect my desires and perhaps open
up new markets. And as for Barbie needing bendable arms so she can
"push me away," I need bendable knees so I can kick the bitch to
the curb. Bendable knees would also be helpful for me in other
situations we've talked about this issue before.
In closing, I would like to point out that any further
concessions to the blond bimbo from hell will result in action
be taken by myself and others. And Barbie can forget about having
Joe - he's mine, at least that's what he said last night.
Sincerely,
Ken |
