Great Quotes:
I just broke up with someone and the last thing she said to me was, "You'll never find anyone like me again!" I'm thinking, 'I should hope not? If I don't want you, why would I want someone like you?'
-Larry Miller
A woman broke up with me and sent me pictures of her and her new boyfriend in bed together. Solution?? I sent them to her dad. -Christopher Case
Relationships are hard. It's like a full time job, and we should treat it like one. If your boyfriend or girlfriend wants to leave you, they should give you two weeks' notice. There should be severance pay, and before they leave you, they should have to find you a temp."
-Bob Ettinger
My mom said she learned how to swim when someone took her out in the lake and threw her off the boat. I said, 'Mom, they weren't trying to teach you how to swim.
-Paula Poundstone
A study in the Washington Post says that women have better verbal skills than men. I just want to say to the authors of that study: Duh. -Conan O'Brien
Did you ever walk in a room and forget why you walked in? I think that's how dogs spend their lives."
-Sue Murphy
The statistics on sanity are that one out of every four Americans is suffering from some form of mental illness. Think of your three best friends. If they're okay, then it's you.
-Rita Mae Brown
Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant?? I'm halfway through my fish burger and I realize, Oh my God....I could be eating a slow learner.
-Lynda Montgomery
"I think that's how Chicago got started. A bunch of people in New York said, 'Gee, I'm enjoying the crime and the poverty, but it just isn't cold enough. Let's go west.'
-Richard Jeni
If life was fair, Elvis would be alive and all the impersonators would be dead.
-Johnny Carson
In elementary school, in case of fire you have to line up quietly in a single file line from smallest to tallest. What is the logic? Do tall people burn slower?
- Warren Hutcherson
Every time a baseball player grabs his crotch, it makes him spit. That's why you should never date a baseball player. -Marsha Warfield
I had a linguistics professor who said that it's man's ability to use language that makes him the dominant species on the planet. That may be. But I think there's one other thing that separates us from animals. We aren't afraid of vacuum cleaners.
-Jeff Stilson
"I worry that the person who thought up Muzak may be thinking up something else." -Lily Tomlin
"Some women hold up dresses that are so ugly and they always say the same thing: 'This looks much better on.' On what? On fire?
- Marsha Warfield
Have you ever noticed.... Anybody going slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac?
- George Carlin
I would love to speak a foreign language but I can't. So I grew hair under my arms instead.
-Sue Kolinsky
I'm not into working out. My philosophy: No pain, no pain.
-Carol Leifer
I have a great diet. You're allowed to eat anything you want, but you must eat it with naked fat people.
-Ed Bluestone
The second day of a diet is always easier than the first. By the second day you're off it.
-Jackie Gleason
I went into a McDonald's yesterday and said, "I'd like some fries." The girl at the counter said, "Would you like some fries with that?"
-Jay Leno
The reason most people play golf is to wear clothes they would not be caught dead in otherwise.
-Roger Simon
Don't spend two dollars to dry clean a shirt. Donate it to the Salvation Army instead. They'll clean it and put it on a hanger. Next morning buy it back for seventy five cents.
-William Coronel
Bigamy is having one wife too many. Monogamy is the same. -Oscar Wilde
I am not a vegetarian because I love animals; I am a vegetarian because I hate plants.
-A. Whitney Brown
If a woman has to choose between catching a fly ball and saving an infant's life, she will choose to save the infant's life without even considering if there is a man on base.
-Dave Barry
Our bombs are smarter than the average high school student. At least they can find Kuwait.
-A. Whitney Brown
Maybe there is no actual place called hell. Maybe hell is just having to listen to our grandparents breathe through their noses when they're eating sandwiches.
-Jim Carrey
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