A drunk smelling like a brewery got on a bus one day. He sat down next
to a priest. The drunk's shirt was stained, his face was full of bright
red lipstick, and he had a half empty bottle of wine sticking out of his
pocket. He opened his newspaper and started reading. A couple of
minutes later, he asked the priest, "Father, what causes arthritis?"
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A blonde reports for her final examination, which requires "Yes" or "No"
answers. She takes her seat in the examination hall, stares at the
question paper, and then in a bit of inspiration, takes a quarter out of
her purse. She starts tossing the coin and marking the answer sheet
"Yes" for heads and "No" for tails. Within 30 minutes she's all done,
while the rest of the class is sweating it out. Then, during the last
few minutes of the exam period, the blonde again frantically starts
flipping the coin. The moderator, concerned about what she's doing,
stops by and asks if she's okay. "Oh yes, I'm fine. I finished the
exam a half hour ago -- but, " explains the frantic coin-tossing blonde,
"I'm going back through and checking my answers!"
//////////////
/////
On their way to a justice of the peace to get married, a couple suffered
a fatal car accident. Later, sitting outside heaven's gate waiting on St
Peter to do the paperwork, they asked if they could possibly get married
in heaven. St Peter said, "This is the first time anyone has ever asked.
Let me go find out." The couple sat for a couple of months and began to
wonder if they really should get married in heaven, what with the eternal
aspect of it and all. "What if it doesn't work out?" they wondered, "Are
we stuck together forever?" St Peter returned after yet another month,
looking somewhat bedraggled. "Yes," he informed the couple. "You can
get married in heaven." "Great," said the couple, "but what if things
don't work out? Could we also get a divorce in heaven?" St Peter
slammed his clipboard onto the ground. "What's wrong?" exclaimed the
frightened couple. "Sheesh!" St Peter exclaimed, "It took me three
months to find a priest up here! Do you have any idea how long it's
going to take for me to find a lawyer?"
"Mister, it's caused by loose living, being with cheap, wicked women, too
much alcohol, and contempt for your fellow man." "Well, I'll be
damned," the drunk muttered. He returned to reading his paper. The
priest, thinking about what he had just said, turned to the man and
apologized. "I'm sorry, I didn't mean to come on so strong. How long
have you had arthritis?" "I don't have arthritis, father, but I just
read in the paper that the pope does." |
