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Pastimes : Laughter is the Best Medicine - Tell us a joke
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To: Karen Lawrence who wrote (11891)10/8/1999 10:39:00 AM
From: SIer formerly known as Joe B.  Read Replies (2) of 62569
 
Quotes to ponder
>
> > On going to war over religion: "You're basically
> killing each other to
> > see who's got the better imaginary friend."
> > - Rich Jeni
> >
> > "Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can
> fake whole
> > relationships."
> > - Jimmy Shubert
> >
> > "I found my wife in bed naked one day next to a
> Vietnamese guy and an
> > African-American guy. I took a picture and sent it
> to Benetton. You never
> > know."
> > - Franck Dubosc
> >
> > "I got kicked out of Riverdance for using my
> arms."
> > - Gary Valentine
> >
> > On the difference between men and women:) "On the
> one hand, we'll never
> > experience childbirth. On the other hand, we can
> open all our own jars."
> > - Jeff Green
> >
> > "And God said: 'Let there be Satan, so people
> don't blame everything on
> > me. And let there be lawyers. So people don't
> blame everything on Satan.'"
> > - John Wing
> >
> > "What are the three words guaranteed to humiliate
> men everywhere? 'Hold my
> > purse'."
> > - Francois Morency
> >
> > "The Web brings people together because no matter
> what kind of a twisted
> > sexual mutant you happen to be, you've got
> millions of pals out there.
> > Type in 'Find people that have sex with goats that
> are on fire' and the
> > computer will say, 'Specify type of goat."
> > - Rich Jeni
> >
> > "Luge strategy? Lie flat and try not to die."
> > - Tim Steeves
> >
> > "There are only two reasons to sit in the back row
> of an airplane: Either
> > you have diarrhea, or you're anxious to meet
> people who do."
> > - Rich Jeni
> >
> > "My girlfriend always laughs during sex---no
> matter what she's reading."
> > -Emo Philips
> >
> > "What's with squeegee kids? I mean, they don't
> really wash the windshield,
> > do they? They simply redistribute the dirt."
> > - Ken Scott
> >
> > "Clinton lied. A man might forget where he parks
> or where he lives, but he
> > never forgets (oral sex) no matter how bad it is."
> > - Lenny Clarke
> >
> > "My cousin just died. He was only 19. He got stung
> by a bee --- the
> > natural enemy of a tightrope walker."
> > - Emo Philips
> >
> > "I saw a woman wearing a sweatshirt with 'Guess'
> on it. I said, 'Thyroid
> > problem?'"
> > - Emo Philips
> >
> > "Honesty is the key to a relationship. If you can
> fake that, you're in."
> > - Rich Jeni
> >
> > "Hockey is a sport for white men. Basketball is a
> sport for black men.
> > Golf is a sport for white men dressed like black
> pimps."
> > - Ren Hicks
> >
> > "Things you'll never hear a woman say : 'My, what
> an attractive scrotum!'"
> > - Jeff Green
> >
> > "I read somewhere that 77 per cent of all the
> mentally ill live in
> > poverty. Actually, I'm more intrigued by the 23
> per cent who are
> > apparently doing quite well for themselves."
> > - Emo Philips
> >
> > "I discovered I scream the same way whether I'm
> about to be devoured by a
> > Great White or if a piece of seaweed touches my
> foot."
> > - Kevin James
> >
> > "Capital punishment turns the state into a
> murderer. But imprisonment
> > turns the state into a gay dungeon-master."
> > - Emo Philips
> >
> > "My mother never saw the irony in calling me a
> son-of-a-bitch."
> > - Rich Jeni
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