COMPUTERS - GENERAL
* A computer is like the Old Testament god . . . lots of rules and
no mercy. - Joseph Campbell
* Being a computer means never having to say you're sorry.
* Who is General Failure, and why is he reading my hard disk?
* There is an old saying that if a million monkeys typed on a million
keyboards for a million years, eventually all the works of
Shakespeare would be produced. Now, thanks to Usenet, we know this
is not true.
* If cars evolved at the same rate as computers, they'd cost a
quarter, run for a year on a half-gallon of gas, and crash once a
day, killing everyone inside.
* A printer consists of three main parts: the case, the jammed paper
tray and the blinking red light.
* Intel Inside: The world's most commonly used warning label.
MICROSOFT
* "640K ought to be enough for anybody." - Bill Gates, 1981
* Microsoft's slogan should read: "Where do you want to go today? It
doesn't matter, you're coming with us."
* If Bill Gates had a nickel for every time Windows crashed . . . Oh
wait, actually, he does.
* The biggest oxymoron of the 1990's - Microsoft Works!
* Microsoft announced today that the official release date for the
new operating system "Windows 2000" will be delayed until the
second quarter of 1901.
* Windows NT: Insert wallet into Drive A: and press any key to empty.
* The software said Windows95 or better, so I got Red Hat!
* Linux means productivity and fun. NT means 'Not Today'.
PROGRAMMING
* Real programmers don't document. If it was hard to write, it should
be hard to understand.
* Law of Cybernetic Entomology: There is always one more bug.
* Programming today is a race between software engineers striving to
build bigger and better idiot-proof programs, and the Universe
trying to produce bigger and better idiots. So far, the Universe is
winning.
* My software never has bugs. It just develops random features.
* I have yet to meet a C compiler that is friendlier and easier to
use than eating soup with a knife.
DEFINE YOUR TERMS
APATHY ERROR: Don't bother striking any key.
SOFTWARE: Them dang plastic forks and knifs.
KEYBOARD: Whar ya hang the dang keys.
LAP TOP: Whar the kitty sleeps.
MODEM: Whut cha did to the hay fields.
HARD DRIVE: Gittin home in the winter time.
DOWNLOAD: Gettin the farwood off the truk.
MISCELLANEOUS
* I haven't lost my mind, it's backed up on disk somewhere.
* Is reading in the bathroom considered Multi-Tasking?
* Ethernet (n): something used to catch the etherbunny.
* BREAKFAST.COM Halted... Cereal Port Not Responding.
* How do I set my laser printer on stun?
* Error: Sector not found -- search behind couch? (Y/N)
* People usually get what's coming to them . . . unless it's been
e-mailed.
* Character Density: The number of very weird people in the office.
* 1010011010 - The binary number of the Beast
* C:\DOS C:\DOS\RUN RUN\DOS\RUN
* Smith & Wesson: The original point and click interface.
* Is Lever 2000 soap Y2K compliant?
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