The following were actual answers to a 6th grade history test:
1. Ancient Egypt was inhabited by mummies and they all wrote in
hydraulics.
They lived in the Sarah Dessert. The climate of the Sarah is such that
the
inhabitants have to live elsewhere.
2. Moses led the Hebrew slaves to the Red Sea, where they made
unleavened
bread, which is bread made without any ingredients. Moses went up on
Mount
Cyanide to get the ten commandments. He died before he ever reached
Canada.
3. Solomon had three hundred wives and seven hundred porcupines.
4. The Greeks were a highly sculptured people, and without them we
wouldn't
have history. The Greeks also had myths. A myth is a female moth.
5. Socrates was a famous Greek teacher who went around giving people
advice. They killed him. Socrates died from an overdose of wedlock.
After
his death, his career suffered a dramatic decline.
6. In the Olympic games, Greeks ran races, jumped, hurled biscuits,
and
threw the Java.
7. Julius Caesar extinguished himself on the battlefields of Gaul. The
Ides
of March murdered him because they thought he was going to be made king.
Dying, he gasped out: "Tee hee, Brutus."
8. Joan of Arc was burnt to a steak and was canonized by Bernard Shaw.
9. Queen Elizabeth was the "Virgin Queen." As a queen she was a
success.
When she exposed herself before her troops they all shouted "hurrah,"
10. It was an age of great inventions and discoveries. Gutenberg
invented
removable type and the Bible. Another important invention was the
circulation
of blood. Sir Walter Raleigh is a historical figure because he invented
cigarettes and started smoking. Sir Francis Drake circumcised the world
with
a 100-foot clipper.
11. The greatest writer of the Renaissance was William Shakespeare. He
was
born in the year 1564, supposedly on his birthday. He never made much
money
and is famous only because of his plays. He wrote tragedies, comedies,
and
hysterectomies, all in Islamic pentameter. Romeo and Juliet are an
example of
a heroic couplet.
12. Writing at the same time as Shakespeare was Miguel Cervantes. He
wrote
Donkey Hote. The next great author was John Milton. Milton wrote
Paradise
Lost. Then his wife died and he wrote Paradise Regained.
13. Delegates from the original 13 states formed the Contented
Congress.
Thomas Jefferson, a Virgin, and Benjamin Franklin were two singers of
the
Declaration of Independence. Franklin discovered electricity by rubbing
two
cats backwards and declared, "A horse divided against itself cannot
stand,"
Franklin died in 1790 and is still dead.
14. Abraham Lincoln became America's greatest precedent. Lincoln's
mother
died in infancy, and he was born in a log cabin which he built with his
own
hands. Abraham Lincoln freed the slaves by signing the Emasculation
Proclamation. On the night of April 14, 1865, Lincoln went to the
theater and
got shot in his seat by one of the actors in a moving picture show. They
believe that the assassinator was John Wilkes Booth, a supposingly
insane
actor. This ruined Booth's career.
15. Johann Bach wrote a great many musical compositions and had a
large
number of children. In between he practiced on an old spinster which he
kept
up in his attic. Bach died from 1750 to the present. Bach was the most
famous
composer in the world and so was Handel. Handel was half German half
Italian
and half English. He was very large.
16. Beethoven wrote music even though he was deaf. He was so deaf he
wrote
loud music. He took long walks in the forest even when everyone was
calling
for him. Beethoven expired in 1827 and later died for this.
17. The nineteenth century was a time of a great many thoughts and
inventions. People stopped reproducing by hand and started reproducing
by
machine. The invention of the steamboat caused a network of rivers to
spring
up. Cyrus McCormick invented the McCormick raper, which did the work of
a
hundred men. Louis Pasteur discovered a cure for rabbis. Charles Darwin
was a
naturalist who wrote the Organ of the Species. Madman Curie discovered
radio.
And Karl Marx became one of the Marx brothers.
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