Old Rope
There is a story about a monastery in Europe perched high on a cliff several
hundred feet in the air. The only way to reach the monastery was to be
suspended in a basket which was pulled to the top by several monks who
pulled and tugged with all their strength. Obviously the ride up the steep
cliff in that basket was terrifying.
One tourist got exceedingly nervous about half-way up as he noticed that the
rope by which he was suspended was old and frayed. With a trembling voice he
asked the monk who was riding with him in the basket how often they changed
the rope.
The monk thought for a moment and answered brusquely, "Whenever it breaks."
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The Ultimatum
She yelled at her husband, "You're gonna be really sorry! I'm going to LEAVE
you!"
He responded, "Make up your mind! Which one is it gonna be?"
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When I die, I want to die peacefully, in my sleep. Like my grandfather. Not
screaming in terror, like the passengers in his car.
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"The Farmer" - Rated R
A farmer was sitting in the neighborhood bar getting hammered. A man came in
and asked the farmer, "Hey, why are you sitting here on this beautiful day,
getting drunk?"
The farmer shook his head and replied, "Some things you just can't explain."
"So what happened that's so horrible?" the man asked as he sat down next to
the farmer.
"Well," the farmer said, "today I was sitting by my cow, milking her. Just
as I got the bucket 'bout full, she lifted her left leg and kicked over the
bucket."
"Okay," said the man, "but that's not so bad."
"Some things you just can't explain," the farmer replied.
"So what happened then?" the man asked.
The farmer said, "I took her left leg and tied it to the post on the left."
"And then?"
"Well, I sat back down and continued to milk her. Just as I got the bucket
'bout full, she took her right leg and kicked over the bucket."
Man laughed and said, "Again?"
The farmer replied, "Some things you just can't explain."
"So, what did you do then?" the man asked.
"I took her right leg this time and tied it to the post on the right."
"And then?"
"Well, I sat back down and began milking her again. Just as I got the bucket
about full, the stupid cow knocked over the bucket with her tail."
"Hmmm . . . " the man said and nodded his head.
"Some things you just can't explain," the farmer said.
"So, what did you do?" the man asked.
"Well," the farmer said, "I didn't have anymore rope, so I took off my belt
and tied her tail to the rafter. In that moment, my pants fell down and my
wife walked in . . . Some things you just can't explain."
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The American tourist got the shock of his life when a Mexican with a 6
shooter jumped out from behind a cactus.
"Take my money, my car but don't kill me", said the tourist.
"I no kill you if you do what I say," said the Mexican.
"Just unzip your pants and start masturbating," he ordered.
Although shocked, the tourist did what he was told. "Right, now do it
again" said the Mexican.
The Yank protested but with the gun against his nose, he managed again.
"And yet again, Gringo, or I shoot you dead."
With sweat running down his brow, the yank managed a final effort and fell
exhausted.
"Good" said the Mexican, "now you give my sister a ride to the next
village."
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