Nude Sun Bathing.
The out-of-state couple are camping on the shores of a lake near a tiny
hamlet. The young wife, stunningly built, decides to give the local town
folk a thrill by sun bathing in the nude.
"That's okay with me, honey," says her husband. "I'll go get some wood for
the fire." About thirty minutes later, the husband returns to the campsite
and finds his wife in tears.
One of her breasts has been painted green, the other red and her bottom is
blue. "What on earth happened to you dear?", he asks.
"Some of those rednecks from town came over and told me they don't allow any
nakedness around these parts. Then they gave me this paint job!"
"Those troublemakers! I'll fix them!" the husband shouts. He rides into town
and finds the rednecks in a bar. "Who is the jerk who painted my wife red,
green and blue!" he shouts.
A huge man, about 6' 8", steps forward, a shotgun in his hands. "I did
it," he bellows. "What you got to say about it?"
The husband answers meekly, "I just wanted you to know the first coat of
paint is dry."
*******************************************************
An extraordinarily handsome man decided he had the God-given
responsibility to marry the perfect woman so they could produce
children beyond comparison. With that as his mission he began
searching for the perfect woman. After a diligent, but fruitless,
search up and down the East coast, he started to head west. Shortly
thereafter he met a farmer who had three stunning, gorgeous daughters that
positively took his breath away. So he explained his mission to the
farmer, asking for permission to marry one of them. The farmer simply
replied, "They're all lookin' to get married, so you came to the right
place. Look them over and select the one you want."
The man dated the first daughter. The next day the farmer asked for the
man's opinion. "Well," said the man, "she's just a weeeeee bit, not that you
can hardly notice, pigeon-toed."
The farmer nodded and suggested the man date one of the other girls; so the
man went out with the second daughter. The next day, the farmer again asked
how things went. "Well," the man replied, "she's just a weeeee bit, not that
you can hardly tell, cross-eyed," the man said.
The farmer nodded and suggested he date the third girl to see if things
might be better. So he did. The next morning the man rushed in exclaiming,
"She's perfect, just perfect! She's the one I want to marry!"
So they were, right away. Months later the baby was born. When the man
visited the nursery he was horrified: the baby was the ugliest, most
pathetic human you can imagine.
He rushed to his father-in-law asking how such a thing could happen
considering his parents. "Well," explained the farmer, "she was just a
weeeee bit, not that you could hardly tell, pregnant when you met her."
=======================================
T-SHIRTS FOR WOMEN WHO TAKE NO CRAP:>>> > >
1. I'm busy. You're ugly. Have a nice day.
2. Warning: I have an attitude and I know how to use it.
3. Remember my name - you'll be screaming it later.
4. Of course I don't look busy...I did it right the first time.
5. Why do people with closed minds always open their mouths?
6. I'm multi-talented: I can talk and piss you off at the same time.
7. Do NOT start with me. You will NOT win.
8. You have the right to remain silent, so please
SHUT UP!
9. Don't piss me off! I'm running out of places to hide the bodies.
10. Guys have feeling too. But like...who cares?
11. I don't believe in miracles. I rely on them.
12. Next mood swing...6 minutes.
13. I hate everybody and you're next.
14. Please don't make me kill you.
15. And your point is...?
16. I used to be schizophrenic, but we're OK now.
17. All stressed out and no one to choke.
18. I'm one of those bad things that happen to good people.
19. How can I miss you if you won't go away?
20. Sorry if I looked interested. I'm not.
=========================
French Farmhand
There was once a sheep farmer who had a French farmhand working with him to
help castrate his sheep. As the farmer castrated the first sheep, the
French farmhand took the parts and was about to throw them into the trash.
"No!" yelled the farmer, "Don't throw those away! My wife fries them up, and
we eat them, they're delicious! They're called Sheep Fries!" The farmhand
saved the parts and took them to the farmer's wife who cooked them up for
supper. This went on for three days....and each evening they had Sheep
Fries for supper. On the fourth night the farmer came in to the house for
supper. He asked his wife where the farmhand was, and she replied, "It's
the strangest thing!
When he came in and asked what was for supper, I told him French Fries, and
he ran like hell!"
> A grade school teacher related this tale after another class returned from
> a trip to a working farm:
>
> Little David's Mom asked him if he had enjoyed the trip.
>
> David: "Yes it was great - we saw sheep, horses, goats, and fuckers."
>
> Mom: "Er, fine, fine. I know what the sheep and the rest are, but what is
> a fucker?"
>
> David: "Oh, they're the animals that give us milk"
>
> Mom: "But who said they were called, er, fuckers?"
>
> David: "that was our teacher. Well, actually she called them 'effers,' but
> we all knew what she meant |
