A young man wanted to get his beautiful blonde wife something nice
for
> >> their first wedding anniversary. So he decides to buy her a cell
phone.
> >> She is all excited, she loves her phone. He shows her and explains
to
her > >> all the features on the phone.
> >>
> >> The next day the blonde goes shopping. Her phone rings and it's her
> >> husband, "Hi hun," he says "how do you like your new phone?"
> >>
> >> She replies "I just love, it's so small and your voice is clear
as a
> >> bell but there's one thing I don't understand though."
> >>
> >> "What's that, baby?" asks the husband.
> >>
>> "How did you know I was at Wal- Mart?"
The Motorcycle Accident
There was this guy who owned a very fast motorcycle. His friends would
always tell him, that because he only had one good eye (the other being
a
glass eye) that if he didn't slow down when he rides his motorcycle, he
would someday be involved in a serious accident. But the friend's
warnings
were to no avail.
One day he did get into a terrible accident out on a lonely, rarely used
stretch of highway. The driver and his passenger were both eye doctors.
There was no one around when the accident happened. So one turned to the
other and said, "He just seems to be knocked out cold!". They checked
the
cyclist over and he seemed alright, except he had excessive damage to
his
eye!
The driver then said to his friend, "Why don't we take him to our eye
clinic, fix his eye, and then put him and the motorcycle back where the
accident happened. We put him near to a tree, so that no one will think
that
anyone else was involved in the accident!". So they did just that!
The next day, the local newspaper reported the accident. The Headline
reads, "Mysterious Auto Accident Involving Cyclist with Two Glass Eyes"
Turn about is Fair Play
==========================================
Here nothing.....Smell nothing
A little old lady goes to the doctor and says, "Doctor, I have this
problem
with gas; but it really doesn't bother me too much. You see, my farts
never
smell; and are always silent. As a matter of fact, I"ve farted at least
20
times since I've been here in your office. You didn't know I was
farting
because they don't smell and are silent."
The doctor says, "I see. Take these pills and come back to see me next
week."
The next week the lady comes back. "Doctor, she says, "I don't know
what
the hell you gave me, but now my farts....although still silent....stink
horribly."
The doctor says, "Good!!!" Now that we've cleared up your sinuses,
let's
work on your hearing!"
==========================================
Signs on Church Property
"Free Trip to Heaven. Details Inside!"
"Try our Sundays. They are better than Baskin-Robbins."
"God so loved the world that He did not send a committee."
"Come in and pray today. Beat the Christmas rush!"
"Sign broken. Message inside this Sunday."
"Come work for the Lord. The work is hard; the hours are long; and the
pay
is low.....but the retirement benefits are out of this world."
"It is unlikely there'll be a reduction in the wages of sin."
"Do not wait for the hearse to take you to church."
"If you're headed in the wrong direction, God allows U-turns."
"Forbidden fruit creates many jams."
A singing group called "The Resurrection" was scheduled to sing at a
church.
When a big snowstorm postponed the performance, the pastor fixed the
outside
sign to read: "THE RESURRECTION IS POSTPONED."
When the restaurant next to the Lutheran Church put out a big sign with
red
letters that said, "Open Sundays," the church reciprocated with its own
message. "We are open on sundays, too!"
//////////////////////////
An elderly woman goes to the doctor and asks him to help revive her
husband's sex drive.
How about trying Viagra?" suggests the doctor.
"Not a chance," she replies. "He won't even take an aspirin for a
headache."
"No problem," replies the doctor. "Drop it into his coffee, and he
won't even taste it. Try it and come back in a week to let me know how
things have worked out."
A week, the elderly woman returns to the doctor.
"Well, how did things go?" he asked.
"Oh, it was terrible, just terrible doctor."
"Really? What happened?" he asked.
"Well, I did as you suggested and slipped it in his coffee. The effect
was immediate. He jumped straight up and swept the cutlery off the
table. Then, he ripped my clothes off and proceeded to make passionate
love to me on the tabletop. It was terrible."
"What was terrible?" asked the doctor. "Was the sex not so good?"
"Oh, no doctor, the sex was the best I've had in 25 years, but I'll
never be able to show my face at Burger King again."
==========================================_
Sleep Better Pills
An elderly woman went into the doctor's office. When the doctor asked
why
she was there, she replied, "I'd like to have some birth-control pills."
Taken back, the doctor thought for a minute and then said, "Excuse me,
Mrs.
Smith, but you're 82 years old. What possible use could you have for
birth
control pills?"
The woman responded, "They help me sleep better."
The doctor thought some more and continued, "How in the world do birth
control pills help you to sleep?"
The woman said, "Simple, I put them in my granddaughter's orange juice
every
morning and I sleep better at night."
======================================
TOP 10 SIGNS YOU'VE JOINED A CHEAP HMO
> > 10. Annual breast exam conducted at Hooters.
> > 9. Directions to your doctor's office include, "take a left when
you
> > enter the trailer park."
> > 8. Tongue depressors taste faintly of Fudgesicles.
> > 7. The only proctologist in the plan is "Gus" from Roto-Rooter.
> > 6. The only item listed under Preventative Care Coverage is "an
apple a > > day."
> > 5. Your "primary care physician" is wearing the pants you gave to
> > Goodwill last month.
> > 4. Office dressing gowns have holes in the back AND the front.
> > 3. The only expense covered 100% is embalming.
> > 2. With your last HMO, Prozac didn't come in different colors with
> > little "m"s on them.
> > ??And the Number 1 Sign You've Joined a Cheap HMO:
* > 1. You ask for Viagra. You get a popsicle stick and duct tape
In a land far, far away
a beautiful, independent, self-assurred princess happened upon a frog as
she
sat contemplating ecological issues on the shore of an unpolluted pond,
in a
verdant meadow, near her castle.
The frog hopped into the princess' lap and said: "Elegant Lady, I was
once
a handsome prince, until an evil withch cast a spell upon me. One kiss
from
you, however, and I will turn back into the dapper, young, handsome
prince
that I am; and then, my sweet, we can marry and set up housekeeping in
yon
castle with my mother; where you can prepare my meals, clean my clothes,
bear my children; and forever feel grateful and happy doing so.
That night, as the princess dined sumptuously on a repast of lightly
sauteed
frog legs seasoned in a white wine and onion cream sauce, she chuckled
to
herself and thought:............................................
"I don't think so!!!"
[ I don't know if this is true or not. I desperately hope not ]
To: Superior Health Insurance
ATTN: Claims Review
Dear Sir:
This letter is in response to your recent letter requesting a more
detailed
explanation concerning my recent internment at Methodist Hospital.
Specifically, you asked for an expansion in reference to Block 21(a)(3)
of
the claim form (reason for hospital visit). On the original form, I put
"Stupidity." I realize now that this answer was somewhat vague and so I
will
attempt to more fully explain the circumstances leading up to my
hospitalization.
I had needed to use the restroom and had just finished a quick bite to
eat
at the local burger joint. I entered the bathroom, took care of my
business,
and just prior to the moment in which I had planned to raise my
trousers,
the locked case that prevents theft of the toilet paper in such places
came
undone and, feeling it striking my knee, unthinkingly, I immediately,
and
with unnecessary force, returned the lid back to its normal position.
Unfortunately, as I did this I also turned and certain parts of my body,
which were still exposed, were trapped between the device's lid and its
main
body. Feeling such intense and immediate pain caused me to jump back.
It quickly came to my attention that, when one's privates are firmly
attached to an immovable object, it is not a good idea to jump in the
opposite direction.
Upon recovering some of my senses, I attempted to reopen the lid.
However,
my slamming of it had been sufficient to allow the locking mechanism to
engage. I then proceeded to get a hold on my pants and subsequently
removed
my keys from them. I intended to try to force the lock of the device
open
with one of my keys, thus extricating myself.
Unfortunately, when I attempted this, my key broke in the lock.
The embarrassment of having someone see me in this unique position
became a
minor concern, and I began to call for help in as much of a calm and
rational manner as I could. An employee of the restaurant quickly
arrived
and decided that this was a problem requiring the attention of the store
manager.
Betty, the manager, came quickly. She attempted to unlock the device
with
her keys. Since I had broken my key off in the device, she could not get
her
key in. Seeing no other solution, she called the Emergency Medical
Service
(as indicated on your form in block 21(b)(1)).
After approximately 15 minutes, the EMS arrived, along with two police
officers, a fire-rescue squad, and the channel 4 "On-the-Spot" news
team.
The guys from the fire department quickly took charge, as this was
obviously
a rescue operation.
The senior member of the team discovered that the device was attached
with
bolts to the cement wall that could only be reached once the device was
unlocked. His discovery was by means of tearing apart the device located
in
the stall next to the one that I was in (Since the value of the property
destroyed in his examination was less than $50 (my deductible) I did not
include it in my claim.) His partner, who seemed like an intelligent
fellow
at the time, came up with the idea of cutting the device from the wall
with
the propane torch that was in the rescue truck.
The fireman went to his truck, retrieved the torch, and commenced to
attempt
to cut the device from the wall. Had I been in a state to think of such
things, I might have realized that in cutting the device from the wall
several things would also inevitably happen. First, the air inside of
the
device would quickly heat up, causing items inside the device to suffer
the
same effects that are normally achieved by placing things in an oven.
Second, the metal in the device is a good conductor of heat, causing
items
that are in contact with the device to react as if thrown into a hot
skillet. And third, molten metal would shower the inside of the device
as
the torch cut through.
The one bright note of the propane torch was that it did manage to cut,
in
the brief time that I allowed them to use it, a hole big enough for a
small
pry bar to be placed inside the device.
The EMS team then loaded me, along with the device, into the waiting
ambulance as stated on your form.
Due the small area of your block 21(a)(3), I was unable to give a full
explanation of these events, and thus used the word which I thought best
described my actions that led to my hospitalization.
Sincerely,
<name withheld on request>
===================================
I've always ordered beverages one simple way: "A Coke, please." Lately,
though, this hasn't seemed to work. Waitresses now often respond, "I'm
sorry, we don't have Coke. We have Pepsi, Diet Pepsi, Sprite or Dr.
Pepper."
Tired of listening to the long list of soft drinks, I thought I'd make
life
easier. So one day I simply asked the snack bar clerk at a movie theater
for
a "dark, carbonated beverage."
The young man behind the counter chuckled and asked, "Sir, would you
like a
cylindrical plastic sucking device with that?"
==========
A Fitting Purchase
A woman was waiting in the check-out line at a shopping center. Her
arms
were laden with a mop and broom and other cleaning supplies. By her
actions
and deep sighs, it was obvious she was in an extreme hurry and was not
happy
about the slowness of the line. When the cashier called for a price
check
on a box of soap, the woman remarked indignantly, "Well, I'll be lucky
to
get out of here and home before Christmas!" "Don't worry, ma'am,"
replied
the clerk. "With that wind kicking up out there and that brand new
broom
you have there, you'll be home in no time.
======================================================
Amazing Disappearing Man
John and Mary were having dinner in a very fine restaurant. Their
waitress,
taking another order at a table a few paces away noticed that John was
ever
so slowly, silently sliding down his chair and under the table, while
Mary
acted quite unconcerned. Their waitress watched as John slid all the
way
down his chair and out of sight under the table. Still, Mary appeared
calm
and unruffled, apparently unaware that John had disappeared under the
table.
After the waitress finished taking the order, she came over to the table
and
said to the woman, "Pardon me, ma'am, but I think your husband just slid
under the table." The woman calmly looked up at her and replied firmly,
"Oh,
no he didn't. In fact, my husband just walked in the front door."
(found on a cubicle wall . . . . )
. . . . . . . . . Serenity Prayer for the Stressed . . . .
Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,
The courage to change the things I cannot accept,
And the wisdom to hide the bodies of those people
I had to kill today because they pissed me off.
And also, help me to be careful of the toes I step on today as......
They may be connected to the ass that I may have to kiss tomorrow.
Help me to always give 100% at work ..... 12% on Monday, 23% on
Tuesday, 40% on Wednesday, 20% on Thursday, and 5% on Fridays.
And help me remember that .....
When I'm having a really bad day,
And it seems that people are trying to piss me off,
That it takes 42 muscles to frown,
and only 4 to extend my middle finger and tell them to bite me.
...... AMEN!
====================================
Three brewery presidents were at a meeting in Chicago and went to lunch
together.
The first, president of Miller, proclaimed to the waiter "Give me a
bottle
of the best beer in the world, a Miller beer".
The second, president of Coors, had to top that. "Waiter, please
bring
me a bottle of the best tasting mountain spring water brewed beer ever
created on the planet-a Coors beer".
The third, August Busch III, said to the waiter, "Bring me a Coke".
The
other presidents stared at Mr. Busch, unable to speak, while the waiter
said
"Uh .. aren't you going to have a Budweiser?"
Mr. Busch replied, "No, if these gentlemen aren't going to drink beer,
then neither will I."
A guy is walking past a big wooden fence at the insane asylum and he
hears
all the residents inside chanting, "Thirteen! Thirteen! Thirteen!"
Quite curious about this, he finds a hole in the fence, and looks in
Someone
inside pokes him in the eye. Then everyone inside the asylum starts
chanting, "Fourteen! Fourteen! Fourteen!"
*
Johnny Cochran was duck hunting in Texas recently, when he attempted to
cross a fence into a field to retrieve a duck he had shot. A farmer
suddenly
pulled up in his pickup truck, jumped out, and asked Mr. Cochran what
he
was doing on his property.
"Retrieving this duck I just shot," he replied. "That duck is on my
side
of the fence, so now it's mine," replied the farmer.
Mr. Cochran asked the farmer if he recognized who he was talking to.
"No," replied the farmer, "I don't know, and I don't care."
"I am Johnny Cochran, famous lawyer from Los Angeles," came the reply.
"I am
the lawyer that got O. J. Simpson off. I'm the reason he is a free man
today. And if you don't let me get that duck, I can sue you for your
farm,
your truck, and everything else you own. I'll leave you penniless on the
street."
"Well," said the farmer, "In Texas the only law we go by is the 'Three
Kicks' law."
"Never heard of it", said Johnny. The farmer said, "I get to kick
you
three times, and if you make it back to your feet and are able to kick
me back three times, that duck is yours."
Cochran thought this over. He grew up in a tough neighborhood and
figured he
could take this old farmer. "Fair enough", he said.
So the farmer kicked Johnny violently in the groin. As he was doubling
over, the farmer kicked him in the face, and when he hit the ground, he
kicked him hard in the ribs. After several moments, Johnny slowly made
it
back to his feet.
"All right, now it's my turn", said Johnny.
"Aw, forget it", said the farmer. "You can have the duck".
A college physics professor was explaining a particularly complicated
concept to his class when a pre-med student interrupted him. "Why do
we have to learn this stuff?" The young man blurted out. "To save
lives," the professor responded before continuing the lecture. A few
minutes later the student spoke up again. "So how does physics save
lives?"
The professor stared at the student for a long time. "Physics saves
lives,"
he said, "because it keeps the idiots out of medical school."
Friends
Two friends, one an Optimist and the other a Pessimist could never quite
agree on any topic of discussion. One day the Optimist decided he had
found
a good way to pull his Pessimistic friend out of his way of continual
Pessimistic way of thinking. The Optimist owned a huntin' dog that
could
walk on water.
His plan? Take the Pessimist and the dog out duck hunting in a boat.
They
got out into the middle of the lake, and the Optimist shot down a
duck...the
dog immediately walked out across the water, retrieved the duck, and
walked
back to the boat.
The Optimist looked at his Pessimistic friend and said, "What do you
think
about that?"
The Pessimist replied, "That dog can't swim, can he?"
A Goldfish Burial
Little Tim was in the garden filling in a hole when his neighbor peered
over
the fence. Interested in what the cheeky-faced youngster was up to, he
politely asked, "What are you up to there, Tim?"
"My goldfish died," replied Tim tearfully, without looking up, "and I've
just buried him."
The neighbor was concerned. "That's an awfully big hole for a goldfish,
isn't it?"
Tim patted down the last heap of earth then replied, "That's because
he's
inside your cat."
"Honey, I invited a friend home for supper."
"What!?! Are you crazy?!? The house is a mess, I didn't go shopping, all
the
dishes are dirty, and I don't feel like cooking a fancy meal!"
"I know all that."
"Then why did you invite a friend for supper?"
"Because the poor fool's thinking about getting married."
Two boys were skinny dipping. One couldn't help noticing the size of the
other's equipment so he asked, "How did ya get it that big?"
"I rub it down every night with lard."
A couple of weeks later they were back at the swimming hole. Once again
they
compared equipment, with the same result.
The first boy said, "I did what ya told me. Every night I rubbed it
down."
"Didja use lard, like I said?"
"No, I used Crisco."
"Well, no wonder! That's shortening!!"
On your way home after work, stop at your pharmacy and go to the section
where they sell fever thermometers. You will need to purchase a rectal
thermometer made by Q-Tip. Be very sure that you get this brand.
When you get home, lock your doors, draw the drapes and disconnect the
phone
so you will not be disturbed during your therapy. Change to very
comfortable
clothing, such as a sweat suit, and lie down on your bed.
Open the package containing the thermometer, remove the thermometer and
place it carefully on the bedside table so that it will not become
chipped
or broken.
Take the written material that accompanies the thermometer and read it.
You
will notice in small print the statement, "...every rectal thermometer
made
by Q-Tip is PERSONALLY tested."
Now close your eyes and say out loud five times, "I am *so* glad that I
do
not work in quality control at the Q-Tip Company!!"
==================
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